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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date a tory?

382 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 14:57

I know you don't have to date anyone you don't want to. But I'm currently dating someone who's told me he's a tory. He's a good person and I like him but I can't really get to grips with his ideologies about things. I'm politically aware but not active iyswim? I'd basically be ending the relationship purely because he's a tory but he's not actually a bad person so I feel a bit ridiculous.

OP posts:
MrsBlennerhassett · 20/01/2017 03:13

I wouldnt date anyone who had or intended to vote Tory no. Never in a million years.
I suppose its just down to how much it means to you personally?
I worked in the NHS and my family live across europe and i have close relatives who are disabled. Id feel it was a personal betrayal if someone who i was in a relationship with voted Tory.

FlorisApple · 20/01/2017 04:18

Would definitely be a deal breaker for me. But, that said, I do think that definitions of Left and Right in politics are breaking down somewhat. I'm pretty far left, but I disagree with many of the positions of the left these days.

From everything you've said, I would be very wary. I've come across many men like this before and I think there's a danger in the dynamic that develops whereby they try and convert you, find it a turn on to be with someone different to them, who is willing to espouse views they don't come into contact with that often, then wear you down until either they feel they have "won" or you are just arguing all the time, which becomes tedious and hurtful. Here is a cautionary tale: I have a friend who I went to university with. She was a strong feminist lawyer; left-wing, feisty, charismatic, confident. She had a whirlwind romance with a Tory, ex-public-schoolboy. Their whole relationship was founded on disagreements about politics, but I think she was also drawn in by his money and alpha-male persona. Within a few years, she had given up work and was a SAHP, feeling utterly trapped in a situation she felt was out of her control. The dynamic of debate has degenerated into arguing over everything, and she has moved a long way to the right in her political views. Now that he has worn her down over so much, he has no respect for her, as she is no longer the "feisty, independent lawyer" he married. (BTW, I am a SAHP myself, and totally dependant on my DH's income, but that is even more reason to choose a man who values equality and caring work - if he didn't have a totally egalitarian view of what we both do and it's value, then this wouldn't work at all.)

For me, the most important characteristic in a partner is empathy. The biggest turnoff: materialism, greed and selfishness.

OlennasWimple · 20/01/2017 08:21

Yy, Floris.

I am seriously struggling right now to find a party that actually represents my views (cannot vote Labour, with their casual acceptance of anti-Semitism, misogynism and / or terrorist sympathisers; cannot vote Lib Dem as they are still trying to work out who they should be; cannot vote Tory as I don't agree with the dismantling of the NHS and wider security net we have spent 80 years putting in place; cannot vote Green as they don't organise in my constituency; often cannot vote Independent as they stand on a single issue ticket and I don't agree with them). I think the left / right wing distinction is increasingly meaningless other than at the extremes.

BNP / SWP is as different to conventional mainstream right / left wing politics as Islamism to Islam or the KKK to the Episcopalian church

SusanneLinder · 20/01/2017 08:39

We have an SNP MP up here who's partner is a Tory Councillor. Would love to be a fly on the wall in their house...Grin

MitzyLeFrouf · 20/01/2017 08:50

Especially when they're discussing her financial irregularities...

BadKnee · 20/01/2017 09:02

OlennasWimple - you are completely right about the difficulties of voting for a party now and the meaninglessness of the L/R definitions.

If I want to vote, and I do, I have to choose. And if I have to choose I have to look at the individual and his/her voting record. The name calling helps no-one.

BadKnee · 20/01/2017 09:11

FlorsApple - also agree with your analysis of a relationship - have experienced it myself - when the disagreements and debating become arguing. It wasn't a left/right thing though. I think it is not uncommon when a woman gives up work or when there are kids in the picture.

Crinkle77 · 20/01/2017 09:52

My partner and I sometimes have differing views on things but you have to accept that you will have different opinions and move on.

loobyloo1234 · 20/01/2017 10:16

I worked in the NHS and my family live across europe and i have close relatives who are disabled. Id feel it was a personal betrayal if someone who i was in a relationship with voted Tory.

I cannot believe my eyes on this thread honestly. Its infuriating. So no one who voted Blue works for the NHS? Confused And no one who voted Tory has any compassion for disabled or people less privileged? Utter bollocks quite frankly

Hope you give him a chance anyway Vlad - as I've said up thread, Im a lefty, but I would never judge a person on who they voted. It's what they think about the things that were important to me that I'd worry about

CatWithKittens · 20/01/2017 10:24

I have, just, resisted the temptation to start a thread asking if it would be unreasonable not to want to date a self-righteous lefty, but I would ask the OP, on the assumption that there is more to her relationship with the Tory than sex, to consider two simple questions: do you love him? do you believe he loves you?

PinguForPresident · 20/01/2017 10:54

I think it's less the fact he votes Tory, and more that he's suficinetly invested in it to identify himself as a Tory. And the "thinks benefits are excessive" thing is just horrible.

I could be tempted to go out with someone on the centre-right of the political spectrum, if they had some common views with me (I'm a lefty liberal, swinging more towards liberal at the moment. Husband is a green), but if someone came out with that line about benefits, it'd be off!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 20/01/2017 11:10

I wouldn't want to either.

In fact, I bought a 'Never kissed a Tory' tee shirt during the last election Grin

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 20/01/2017 12:46

I have, just, resisted the temptation to start a thread asking if it would be unreasonable not to want to date a self-righteous lefty

Indeed.

BroomstickOfLove · 20/01/2017 12:50

But the 'sanctimonious lefties' wouldn't be offended, and would post, like they have done here, to say that if there are aspects of someone's life that you really disapprove of you shouldn't get seriously involved with them, so there wouldn't be much point in starting the thread.

Pooky77 · 20/01/2017 12:54

Not U to not date someone for any reason that puts you off. Personally I'd be put off by someone so blinkered and narrow minded that they can't comprehend yet alone begin to see things from a differing view point to their own.

ManonLescaut · 20/01/2017 13:43

And no one who voted Tory has any compassion for disabled or people less privileged? Utter bollocks quite frankly

If they do, they're voting for the wrong party. How do you justify the treatment of the sick and disabled since the Tories came back to power? The sanctions, the food banks. The Kafkaesque ESA and PIP tests. The numbers of people who have died after being declared 'fit to work'. And the 14,000 disabled who've had their motability vehicles taken away?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 20/01/2017 14:32

Pooky- who says OP (or anyone else) can't see the opposing view? It's the being in total disagreement that is the problem. I can appreciate, understand and still be in disagreement, surely?

Also, I totally support anyone saying they wouldn't date a liberal leftie, why wouldn't I Confused. Just because I wouldn't date a Tory doesn't mean I'm incapable of critical thought.

loobyloo1234 · 20/01/2017 14:33

You know foodbanks increased 20 fold under the last Labour government don't you Manon?

loobyloo1234 · 20/01/2017 14:34

Don't to de-rail this thread any more Vlad - hope you got the answers you needed anyway and I hope you continue to have great sex and interesting conversations Wink

ManonLescaut · 20/01/2017 16:21

You know that the original trigger for increase in foodbanks was the financial crisis? Which was not caused by the Labour government.

Subsequently, the increase was caused by Tory austerity policies, benefit cuts, and benefit sanctions.

Prior to 2008, food banks were rare. In 2005 the Christian charity that runs the biggest % of food banks had 2. The financial crisis caused a sudden increase in demand, and by 2008 the charity had 22. By August 2012 they had 252. According to their records, the charity helped 346,992 people in 2012/13.

Benefit sanctions are the most common factor in food bank use. Nearly 25% of JSA claimants were sanctioned at least once between 2010-2015.

I don't think this is derailing the thread actually, as they're all good reasons not to date a Tory. Particularly one who thinks benefits are too generous. I'd make him do a month on JSA. He'd never talk such shit again.

Pooky77 · 20/01/2017 16:23

Felicia I think a lot of people appear incapable of this. I don't really see why disagreeing politically would be a reason not to date someone then if you can see their POV, surely as adults you could just agree to disagree? My DH and I don't vote in the same way to each other we also don't expect the other to change their view point, we do discuss our opinions though.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 20/01/2017 23:39

For some people, smoking is a deal breaker. For others, it's politics. Neither is wrong.

Bit rude to say that because someone has a different cut off point than you they must be narrow minded or blinkered.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 20/01/2017 23:40

And a lot of people might seem like that but I wouldn't necessarily say a Mumsnet thread would be the place to find such people!

Pooky77 · 21/01/2017 09:06

Actually I think MN is a great cross section of people and is exactly the place to find both acceptance and narrow mindedness. I think intolerance of others view points leads to censorship which I find narrow minded in my opinion it's better to challenge what you disagree with than to cut it off.

GloriousGusset · 21/01/2017 09:28

If you don't want to date a cosseted Tory who thinks benefits should be slashed well then you don't want to date a cosseted Tory who thinks benefits should be slashed.

It doesn't make you an intolerant person to want to share your bed with someone who has the same beliefs. I'd never 'agree to disagree' with a Kipper and the thought of exchanging bodily fluids with one makes me want to hurl.