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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date a tory?

382 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 14:57

I know you don't have to date anyone you don't want to. But I'm currently dating someone who's told me he's a tory. He's a good person and I like him but I can't really get to grips with his ideologies about things. I'm politically aware but not active iyswim? I'd basically be ending the relationship purely because he's a tory but he's not actually a bad person so I feel a bit ridiculous.

OP posts:
Original poster
VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 15:13

5 Everything about us is different / opposing. Different cultures, views, work/life experiences. He's the total opposite to me and I wonder if when the novelty fades away I'll just end up hating him.

OP posts:
TheProblemOfSusan · 17/01/2017 15:16

I just couldn't. The outlook is so selfish and I just don't like that in a partnership. Same as dating someone who wasn't a believer in equality in word and action.

harderandharder2breathe · 17/01/2017 15:16

Long term I think it would be really hard to be with someone with opposite views on anything important.

I think it would depend how he handled himself if challenged on his politics, and whether you're both political minded people

MLGs · 17/01/2017 15:17

I couldn't. Sorry. Even though I have lovely friends who are a bit Tory Grin

I did have a Tory boyfriend at Uni but I wouldn't again.

Gwenci · 17/01/2017 15:17

Dh and I have different political views. Brexit was fun in this house!

Same here! We have to agree not to talk about it anymore.

I'm very much a leftie. DH is not 'a Tory' as such; he reads policies and informs himself as much as possible and then votes accordingly. Last election he voted Conservative.

It would depend for me how 'right wing' someone was. If we shared absolutely no political views whatsoever then no, I wouldn't date them not because they were Tory, but because we clearly wouldn't have enough in common.

As it is, whilst I don't agree with DH's current political affiliation, I know it is his informed choice and I respect it. And we do overlap on many issues, just not who we think is best equipped to deal with said issues.

Only you can know whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

LaContessaDiPlump · 17/01/2017 15:17

I went out with someone (in his defence, he was only 20 and very naive) who thought that the BNP had got it absolutely right and that Britain should be British and those in power clearly deserved said power etc. He was, oddly, very nice to any actual people he met from a foreign country. It didn't last between us, put it that way.

He subsequently became a raging Tory. Now every time I meet a Tory, I wonder whether they started out as a Tory or had to soften their beliefs to get there.....

So it would be a no from me.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 17/01/2017 15:17

It depends what his views are exactly, how he arrived at them, and how he responds to you having different opinions.

Tory voter can cover a huge range of opinions.
I've met people who voted Tory because their own experiences - running a small business, for example - have led them to think a small state is good. I've met other Tory voters who basically don't like paying more tax on their huge wealth. Depends what his reasons are.
Also is he respectful of your opinions? Interested in them? Can you have a conversation about an issue without an argument?

thekingfisher · 17/01/2017 15:19

i'd love to read the responses if the OP was Tory and struggling with dating a leftie!

KathArtic · 17/01/2017 15:20

Does he know you're not a Tory?

wasonthelist · 17/01/2017 15:21

For me, it would be more of deal breaker if a prospective partner wasn't interested in listening to other views, including ones they don't share.

kittybiscuits · 17/01/2017 15:21

I think you deserve better Vladmirs

5moreminutes · 17/01/2017 15:21

Then I'd say keep the relationship casual but expect it to run its course and don't get comfortable, definitely don't move in together... But tbh if you want to break up then you should, don't stay in a relationship because your reason feels silly! Plenty of people break up in the early stages of a relationship because the other person leaves toast crumbs in the butter or likes cats instead of dogs - you don't have to tell anyone it's specifically because he's a Tory, just say"we're too different" or some similar non specific waffle BlushSmile

FrankAndBeans · 17/01/2017 15:22

Don't ask me Vladamirs we don't talk about it Grin
In all seriousness though, he's a high earner, parents were middle class, never known anything but comfort. He is a good man, but votes in a "bigger picture"/works what is best for him. We agree on a lot of labour policies but it's not viewed as realistic in the actual world in his eyes.

Original poster
VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 15:22

kath yes, I've made it patently clear. Our debates are fun now but I sometimes wonder how someone can be so wilfully obtuse. But he isn't as he's very clever and astute so I'm always a bit confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 15:24

But he does listen to my views - doesn't ridicule them, just replies with his arguments.

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5moreminutes · 17/01/2017 15:25

LaContessa there are absolutely loads of people like that - the "Oh I don't mean you" raging racist/nationalist/xenophobes. In fact I suspect it's hundreds or thousands of times more common than the unredeemable ones who actually carry through on their rhetoric.

FrankAndBeans · 17/01/2017 15:25

Also he works in a world politics job, he knows more about things than I do so I cba to argue about it.

5moreminutes · 17/01/2017 15:26

Vlad I think wason meant you WinkShock

irregularegular · 17/01/2017 15:29

Depends what kind of Tory. It might not be absolutely impossible. But UKIP, or a Trump fan - no way. But I can't imagine we'd even get as far as thinking about it tbh.

As an atheist I think I'd struggle with someone religious too.

FrankAndBeans · 17/01/2017 15:31

A disclaimer that my DP definitely doesn't support Trump or UKIP and is very liberal on social issues Blush

nixnjj · 17/01/2017 15:31

Single for 12 years but did date a Young Tory member when much younger, back in the Maggie days. Invited me to a ball and gave me money to buy a nice gown. Got a lovely red one was dumped shorty after.

DonaldStott · 17/01/2017 15:31

Couldn't date a tory. Just couldn't do it. If you don't have similar beliefs at your core, can their be any future?

HobbitTankard · 17/01/2017 15:33

I think it is sad to think like this but since I used to myself I can't judge!

All I would say is often politics depends on life experience and upbringing and no one party has a monopoly on ethics or kindness.

Look at the bigger picture.

lovelearning · 17/01/2017 15:33

There is nothing less sexy than a Tory.

FootBone Grin

loobyloo1234 · 17/01/2017 15:34

Well I think YABU. It surely depends on his views on the things that are important to you? I was brought up in lefty household but both parents have swayed over the years. I don't love them any less and over key issues we agree

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