Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to date a tory?

382 replies

VladmirsPoutine · 17/01/2017 14:57

I know you don't have to date anyone you don't want to. But I'm currently dating someone who's told me he's a tory. He's a good person and I like him but I can't really get to grips with his ideologies about things. I'm politically aware but not active iyswim? I'd basically be ending the relationship purely because he's a tory but he's not actually a bad person so I feel a bit ridiculous.

OP posts:
BroomstickOfLove · 19/01/2017 17:40

For all that I wouldn't want any sort of long term romantic relationship with a Tory, I do know several who are nice, kind and thoughtful people. In the same way that I find it strange and bemusing that anyone wouldn't want to pay taxes to ensure that everyone has access to good quality health, education, transport, infrastructure etc, they find it strange and bemusing that anyone might not work to create a community in which people voluntarily care for the weakest members. As a general tend, kind Tories tend to value hard work highly, whereas lefties tend to place more value on relationships and nurturing, but the general ideal society we tend to imagine doesn't look all that different. I don't think that the current government hold those views, though, and I would find it hard to share my life with a supporter of benefit cuts and sanctions and the dismantling of the NHS.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 19/01/2017 17:43

YABU
DH and I have completely opposite political views. I am talking almost anarchist vs very conservative.
We found that having to defend your ideas all the time helps us to keep an open mind and not brand any idea good/bad just because it comes from a party we don't support.
We have been together 12y and still happy.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/01/2017 18:54

manicinsomniac We met through a mutual friend's birthday party - I got drunk and told him how awful Tories are. He laughed and engaged me the whole evening. Swapped numbers and have been to dinner and drinks many times since.

OP posts:
Somerville · 19/01/2017 19:14

Well mutual friends in advance of getting together is one of the things that makes a relationship more likely to work out in long term - so it'll balance out differing political positions!

How you met reminds me of meeting the first love of my life. Student union bar, my friend knew his, and told me he was a trust fund brat so I took against him. I also thought fancying him madly meant that he was a womaniser who I must resist at all costs! I was horrendously rude, he was fascinated, and then we went to bed together and I basically never left.
The trust fund was because his dad died just prior to that. I was a twat.
It came in very useful for deposit on a house a few years later!

Anyway, he wasn't a young conservative but he was from a much more monied background than me and private school and all that. It didn't matter in the level playground of uni and not in adult life either.

Have you asked your mutual friends about him? Is he kind and thoughtful or a twat with charm? It is easier for people with an excellent education to fake being a decent sort, but that doesn't mean they're all faking. Lots are very nice.

Unfortunately the first love of my life passed away. The second, who is a wonderfully kind and loving step father to my children, is also a posh boy. (Writing this I realise I have a type Hmm). Went to one of Those boarding schools, even. Probably friends with yours! Grin
We met through work so I could easily find out that he was a good sort, to confirm my own intuition on that.

Sugarlightly · 19/01/2017 19:35

DP voted conservative at the last GE but when we talk about politics, doesn't seem to identify with them at all. I haven't pushed as to whether he regrets voting that way, but the reason he said that he did was because as a white, middle class male, it was in his interest. Since we've moved in together (he moved from parents) and he no longer identifies with the "middle class" (and has to pay lots of tax/bills etc) his opinion seems to has changed.

derxa · 19/01/2017 20:11

I love talking to posh boys. They don't give a shit and neither do I. I hate people who are overly concerned about how they come across.

derxa · 19/01/2017 20:13

Look Vladimirs I think it's all good. Forget about this Tory rubbish. Do you fancy each other? Yes! OK

Somerville · 19/01/2017 20:16

Plus on top of fancying each other, derxa, they have mutual friends. Which means stuff in common, lots to talk about and that they know already that that they're on similar wave lengths since they like the same people. Don't you think? Thats always been my experience, anyway.

BonnieF · 19/01/2017 20:19

I'm a liberal leftie ( I.e. not a Trotskyite) and DP is a moderate Tory ( I.e. not a hard-right xenophobic racist).

It's fine. We agree on some things, eg same-sex marriage (pro) and Brexit (anti), but disagree on others, eg immigration or who should run the rail industry.

Where we disagree, we discuss things. Sometimes one person's views challenge the other's to the point of changing views, sometimes we agree to differ. This seems to both of us like a reasonable way for two well educated adults to behave.

If he was very religious, however, that could be a deal-breaker...

WantToRunAgain · 19/01/2017 20:22

Not a chance. Never.

If they voted Tory that would say so much about them, their attitudes etc. They would not be someone I would want to date in case it became serious. I couldn't have a life partner who was a Tory - I come from a family of teachers and nurses, I couldn't live with someone who voted for a government responsible for destroying both the NHS and state education, I'd struggle to remain civil!

VladmirsPoutine · 19/01/2017 20:48

derxa You're 100% right and I just need to get over myself.

OP posts:
TheresAGhostYouFools · 19/01/2017 20:50

Could be worse, I recently discovered my best friend, (30 years of friendship), votes UKIP, and thinks Nigel Farage would 'make the most fantastic Prime Minister'. ConfusedAngrySad
I've started to honestly wonder if I ever actually really knew her at all.

GraceGrape · 19/01/2017 20:58

My parents have been married for 40 years and have completely opposing political views. Both have quite strong opinions but they just don't talk politics to each other. I don't know how they do it - politics is the only thing my Mum and I argue about and I just try to bite my tongue. Not sure I could do that on a daily basis. They do have several other things in common. I suppose it depends how active a role politics takes in both your lives.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 19/01/2017 21:02

Could be worse, I recently discovered my best friend, (30 years of friendship), votes UKIP, and thinks Nigel Farage would 'make the most fantastic Prime Minister'. confusedangrysad

How could you not have intuited something was far, far wrong with her before now?? Shock

She may as well make it the unholy triptych and admit to being a Trump fancier now too.

TheresAGhostYouFools · 19/01/2017 21:25

Sounds like a cliche, but she's changed. She always used to be very smart, switched on and questioning of everything. Now she's gone total Little Englander. Looking on the bright side, she hasn't professed any admiration for Trump.....yet.

OlennasWimple · 19/01/2017 21:31

I'm a liberal lefty married to a true blue Tory...

Like a pp said upthread, our values are pretty aligned in terms of what is important to us, to our family and in life. We differ in wider issues of public policy and how best to achieve the right outcome, but I like being with someone who has different views to be TBH. I wouldn't want to live in the echo-chambers that some of my friends (on both sides of the political spectrum) have with their DP, and I like that at dinner we have some really interesting conversations with the DC and have real differences of opinion.

wigornian · 19/01/2017 22:16

Do you think he is having the same doubs about you and your left-wing tendencies, or is he more tolerant of opposing views?

WantToRunAgain · 19/01/2017 22:35

Olennas, if far rather live in a So-called echo chamber than live with someone who voted for a government that was destroying everything I value.

BroomstickOfLove · 19/01/2017 23:17

I'm wondering if the people talking about tolerance would be happy to date a supporter of the BNP, or SWP. Voting isn't about theories and debates. It's an action with foreseeable consequences, and I would be influenced by how some some voted in the same way that I would be by how they treated the people they interact with each day.

And I would fully expect to be rejected as a possible partner by someone who had a very different worldview to me - I would be a terrible girlfriend for a religious fundamentalist, or soneone who was really into identity politics or who put profit ahead of people or who was a climate change denier, and if they had any sense they wouldn't date me.

ateapotandacake · 19/01/2017 23:22

My DH is a true blue conservative. I'm a massive feminist leftie/socialist.
It's fine. We can row over politics so don't discuss it too deeply as Mrs T has caused us to stop speaking before.
He's great apart from his politics Grin
I do think if you think it's an issue you probably should stop dating him!

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/01/2017 23:31

I'm sure it's all great at the moment but listening to someone who has only ever known comfort and privilege tell me they thought that benefits should be slashed would soon irritate the fuck out of me.

The success of a relationship between political opposites all depends on ensuring the debates never get personal and being able to draw a line under certain subjects once both party's views have been stated.

TBH I too would rather be in a relationship echo chamber than be with someone whose values I didn't share. There are plenty of people in my life who challenge my views, family members, friends etc. I'd just rather share my bed with someone I agreed with more often than I disagreed.

You do seem quite taken with the idea of his wealth.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 19/01/2017 23:32

A supporter of the BNP would limit their dating range and as who they want to mix with isn't about political ideology it's ones ethnicity

One wouldn't be interested in myself and is likely to only be interested in people who have such views as they want to islolate themselves

SWP supporters is different as it's a political ideology that all are supposedly welcome to join

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 19/01/2017 23:40

We're Scottish and voted to remain part of the U.K and I think the downturn in Labour up here has pushed him more towards the throws because we are not (and never will be) SNP supporters

I could not date an SNP supporter.

Liberal Tories, centrist Labour and Liberal Democrats are all fine. Socialist Workers, UKIP, BNP and the like, no.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 20/01/2017 01:30

I could not date an SNP supporter.

Oh dear. You will never be mine.

Back to the drawing board...

HelenaDove · 20/01/2017 02:41

wig he could have posted a thread somewhere for all you know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread