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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - To feel sad and disappointed about my baby shower?

300 replies

user1483385529 · 17/01/2017 06:38

I'll start off by saying I'm pregnant and emotional and probably overthinking this but....

My sister kindly offered to throw me a baby shower at the end of Jan (DS1 is due in Feb). I gave her a list of people to invite in early Dec. Everyone has said they can't come except two colleagues, two neighbours (who are a couple) with one of their mums that I know, my mum and sister (MIL lives up North and can't make it down). Now bearing in mind people had notice and I only have a couple of friends with children, AIBU to be feeling very unpopular that hardly anyone is coming? I just feel like calling it off but I know my sister will have put effort in, but it's really upset me. To give a bit of back ground I've never had lots of friends, I'm quite a home bird but I just thought those people I did class as friends would make the effort (I do live about an hours drive away from some of them and others would have to get the tube). AIBU and should I stop crying over this?

OP posts:
user1484317265 · 17/01/2017 12:54

Hen do's don't involve presents, and those and weddings are traditional British events.
A baby shower is not, its specifically an event to gain presents. That is the entire point, that is what the word shower actually means in this context.
You don't just go to anything your friends ask you to just because you are friends. Thats called being a sheep.

clumsyduck · 17/01/2017 12:59

No maybe not presents for a hen but expense for night out /away / everything paid for for bride etc

And while I agree they are traditional events it seems that in recent years they've got much bigger and more expensive . It's not a night out anymore it's a long weekend abroad etc etc for a hen do ( not always obviously ) weddings abroad or miles from the hometown etc all involving much more expense than a couple of hours at a baby shower and taking a small gift along

And I don't do everything my friends want but when they have major life events they want to celebrate with me I'm happy to partake even if it's not my cup of tea

user1484317265 · 17/01/2017 13:05

And many people don't go to hen nights either.

A baby is a major life event, a baby shower is not.

If you judge the quality of your friends by how many inane events they go to and how many presents they bring, you aren't going to have many friends.

PenguinsandPebbles · 17/01/2017 13:07

I would never attend a baby shower, I could be invited by a best friend or a close family relative and I still wouldn't attend.

Because me sitting there a sobbing crying mess would not be good for me and I don't expect that the person hosting would want that either. I'd go for a lunch, I would send a gift after the baby was born but no I would not attend. That doesn't make me a bad person or a bad friend it makes me a human being with a lot of pain surrounding multiple miscarriages at various stages, with no live births.

You cannot put things like hen-dos (which I think have become way over the top) in the same category, you have no idea why a woman wouldn't want to come to a baby shower a lot more people have problems with infertility of miscarriage than you would ever imagine, regardless of how good a friend you are sometimes you have to put yourself first, it's a case of self preservation.

Chickydoo · 17/01/2017 13:08

Baby showers???
I have had 4 babies, they were never a thing,
Only a recent commercial load of tosh!
Cancel.
Go & have a pamper session instead.

Chickydoo · 17/01/2017 13:09

I didn't have a hen do either

clumsyduck · 17/01/2017 13:09

Yes I agree to some extent and I am really not a fan of baby showers personally however just seems the general consensus on here is they are tacky and grabby and yet can't see that some weddings and hen dos are also that and lord knows there are enough posts put in AIBU about people getting annoyed by the amount of cost and time expected to partake in the above and the general consensus on those threads seems to be that they are not being unreasonable and the whole wedding /hen / stag do thing has got out of hand

Amethyst81 · 17/01/2017 13:11

You're preggers and emotional and I know that I would have felt exactly the same as you. Why not change it to a tea party, lots of lovely cakes and sandwiches and chatting with your guests. As others have said the term baby shower may not be popular but afternoon tea seems nicer.

MargaretCavendish · 17/01/2017 13:20

I wonder how many people slagging baby showers off as grabby ( I never had one and wouldn't in future by the way ) have had hen dos weddings etc etc that people had to make a real effort to attend ? Well shocker ... Not everyone is always thrilled by the cost and Effort involved with those either but still go because it's what you do for your friends

You're really not comparing like with like here. The wedding equivalent of a baby shower isn't a hen do, or the wedding itself, it's a bridal shower. I am absolutely confident that a bridal shower would get an even harder time on here than baby showers do.

user1484317265 · 17/01/2017 13:24

Some weddings and hen do's have got out of hand, yes. That doesn't justify anything re baby showers. If you think the former is too much that is all the more reason to not encourage the spread of baby showers.

The point of weddings is to celebrate love and marriage. A gift is a minor part.
The point of hen do's is to celebrate the end of single life. No gifts.
The point of a baby shower is to get presents. And play some silly games with nappies, apparently.

If you can't tell the difference.....

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 13:24

Op you say very few of your friends have children-do you know if any of them are struggling to conceive? Baby showers are horribly hard if you're wanting to be pregnant and you aren't. I'm absolutely amazed your sister wanted to organise it when she can't have kids.

NavyandWhite · 17/01/2017 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2017 13:26

I wouldn't drive tor two hours in an evening to go to one...

user1484317265 · 17/01/2017 13:28

Depends. One or 2 friends, I might, if they wanted me to that badly and there was booze. Others, no way.

And a couple of years ago, not for anyone, if you paid me.

CommunionHelp · 17/01/2017 13:30

Another vote for the lack of guests being about many people disliking 'Baby Showers' rather than you, OP!

shockthemonkey · 17/01/2017 13:30

There's a lot of sniffiness here directed at Americans.

It's just not warranted

NotCitrus · 17/01/2017 13:31

I've been to one baby shower in my life, which was organised as a joke for one of my best friends. Any others I've avoided, but scheduled some time to have dinner/hang out with the woman, "before your free time gets taken up".

Though really not many I know have had them (other than American family, which is very different as they have been skint and saving up for more than 2 weeks of maternity leave. Even if they are signed off sick after the two weeks, that's unpaid. They need every penny they can get from anyone! I think one cousin is still paying off her Cesearian and the child is about 12...)

coffeetasteslikeshit · 17/01/2017 13:33

I think that if it had been billed as Afternoon Tea then you would have got a lot more takers, true Amethyst.

CommunionHelp · 17/01/2017 13:35

There's a lot of sniffiness here directed at Americans

I think it's purely about Baby Showers, not Americans!

Most people can grasp that it's an accepted 'thing' in the US, but it's not exactly universally popular here.

Dahlietta · 17/01/2017 13:38

Oo, this thread has made the Daily Mail. I didn't think it was that salacious.

CiderwithBuda · 17/01/2017 13:41

I hadn't realised baby showers were becoming a thing here but i suppose it was bound to happen.

I'm not keen but have to admit I had one! DS is 15 now. We lived overseas and in a country where most expats left to have their babies as the medical facilities were not great. Baby showers were a regular event but very low key. Either a lunch or tea and cake at someone's house and some little gifts. Mine need up being a joint one with another couple of friends who were pregnant at the same time. Gifts would be simple. Nice picture frame or nice smellies or a little toy or baby towel or bibs of similar.

I think a pre baby get together with cake is a lovely thing to do but calling it a baby shower and playing games etc is off putting to many people.

CiderwithBuda · 17/01/2017 13:43

Bloody hell. Wouldn't have posted if I'd known it would be DM fodder. Should have guessed. Oh well another reason to lurk only.

KitKat1985 · 17/01/2017 13:44

Oh fucking Daily fucking Mail.

Go and do some real journalism you lazy twats.

OP - I understand why you are upset. But I agree that a lot of people don't like baby showers, and certainly wouldn't make a lot of effort to attend one. I wouldn't take it personally.

JanuaryMoods · 17/01/2017 13:45

There's a lot of sniffiness here directed at Americans.

It's just not warranted

They elected Trump president, of course it's warranted.

Original poster
user1483385529 · 17/01/2017 13:48

Is it bad that I laughed that the DM has put this up as a story? I know I was upset but it's hardly news?!

OP posts:
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