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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - To feel sad and disappointed about my baby shower?

300 replies

user1483385529 · 17/01/2017 06:38

I'll start off by saying I'm pregnant and emotional and probably overthinking this but....

My sister kindly offered to throw me a baby shower at the end of Jan (DS1 is due in Feb). I gave her a list of people to invite in early Dec. Everyone has said they can't come except two colleagues, two neighbours (who are a couple) with one of their mums that I know, my mum and sister (MIL lives up North and can't make it down). Now bearing in mind people had notice and I only have a couple of friends with children, AIBU to be feeling very unpopular that hardly anyone is coming? I just feel like calling it off but I know my sister will have put effort in, but it's really upset me. To give a bit of back ground I've never had lots of friends, I'm quite a home bird but I just thought those people I did class as friends would make the effort (I do live about an hours drive away from some of them and others would have to get the tube). AIBU and should I stop crying over this?

OP posts:
MM2017 · 18/01/2017 09:57

I would love to come to your baby shower.
I am so sorry you're feeling down. However, if the people you invited are making excuses then they aren't worth bothering with.
Can't believe the negative comments here. If you want a baby shower then it's not up to anyone else to judge you.
You can have a small and intimate party with the people who are able to come and those are the ones you really want around you. Those who will probably pitch up and help you with your baby afterwards instead of just being there for parties.
Hope you feel better soon.
Don't listen to negativity. You're having a baby. Cherish every second of it.
You'll be a wonderful mum!!!

AnguaResurgam · 18/01/2017 10:17

"'Showers have evolved over the last 10 years. Many are mixed with men and women and kids and are often a luncheon. No more games. It's like a birthday party"

I disagree. The party element can be exactly what the honouree would like and games (tacky or otherwise) were never a required/expected part.

Showering of gifts is required - if no gifts then call it a party.

But as it's a women's rite of passage celebration, I would find it distinctly odd for men to be invited. Or children other than babes in arms.

AuntieStella · 18/01/2017 10:21

"Have a babymoon Hmm (we used to call it going on holiday while we were pregnant)"

Indeed, because the term babymoon always was, still is and I expect will continue to mean the period after you take the babyish home when you cocoon yourselves closely together for a while.

I really, really dislike the manipulation of perfectly clear, in--use terms for a totally different meaning. (Knee-length skirts being described as midi being my other bugbear!)

MrsRobinson79 · 18/01/2017 10:35

Lots of people don't like baby showers for all the reasons already mentioned. I didn't have one but I did have a girls get together - my thinking was I wouldn't have lots of opportunity to spend time with them post baby so we would do something nice together before baby arrived. We went out for afternoon tea - no games or presents etc just a lovely afternoon together. Perhaps you could invite your friends who can't make the shower to something like this? If you're all in different parts of London you could meet in the middle?

OhhBetty · 18/01/2017 11:00

I only know one person who has had a baby shower. It was her second baby too and she's really well off. I didn't go as I was working. But also I just can't afford to get 2 gifts which is what everyone else got for her and she expected. I much prefer to send a gift once the baby is born too as I don't like the idea of tempting fate, having had a late miscarriage myself.

OhhBetty · 18/01/2017 11:02

MrsRobinson79 what you did sounds lovely!!

Rachel0Greep · 18/01/2017 11:03

I was invited to one in the last few years. I couldn't attend anyway, but really I don't particularly like the idea of them. A get together with a few friends a while before the baby arrives, no presents expected, would be a much nicer idea, IMO.

bloodyteenagers · 18/01/2017 14:18

If people have a tantrum and drop other people because they don't want to spend money on gifts then that says a lot about grabby person.
If declining means not only do I save
Money and get dropped by a grabby 'friend' win win.

Boudiccaiceni · 18/01/2017 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 18/01/2017 14:46

You can have a small and intimate party with the people who are able to come and those are the ones you really want around you. Those who will probably pitch up and help you with your baby afterwards instead of just being there for parties.

I don't understand this. Are you saying that the people who come to the party are more likely to help with the baby?
Or are you saying the people who don't come to the party are more likely to help, as they are the sort who aren't "just being there for parties"?

BottleBeach · 18/01/2017 18:42

I went to one once where there was no expectation about presents, but we were each asked to bring a blessing/prayer, or a piece of advice. We sat in a circle and tied a length of wool so we were each connected by a bracelet of wool, and we took it in turns to say a few words. Lots of funny and honest anecdotes about things that often don't get talked about. Lots of reassurance and love for the mother to be.

Then we cut the wool so were each left with our little bracelets, and we kept them on as a way of keeping the mother and baby in our hearts until the baby was safely delivered.

38cody · 20/01/2017 00:59

Aw sorry - I would have come! Lots of people probably just don't want to buy a gift. especially one that will be opened in front of all the other guests and many people are either broke or mean.
You don't want a tiny one with no guests do you? I would feign flu and cancel.
Then go out to tea somewhere lovely with your thoughtful sis.

noeffingidea · 20/01/2017 01:15

bottleBeach lol, that sounds different. I think I would have burst out laughing.

BottleBeach · 21/01/2017 14:21

I know! It sounds excruciatingly un-British doesn't it?! But it was actually really lovely.

MagicChicken · 22/01/2017 05:15

Bottle that sounds like my worst sort of nightmare. My toes are curling at the very thought of it. I think I would rather be forced to buy a present and see someone cut one of those baby coming out a vagina cakes than have to be part of all that Eat, Pray, Love nonsense.

Chops2016 · 22/01/2017 06:05

Wow, there are a lot of judgey misery-guts on this thread!

I had a baby shower and it was wonderful. I got to see some friends I hadn't seen in ages and had afternoon tea. I couldn't have cared less whether people had brought gifts or not, what mattered to me was seeing friends and family, and celebrating a major milestone in my life with them.

beargrass · 22/01/2017 06:22

Dunno why everyone hates baby showers so much. Men have had 'wetting the baby's head' (ugh) since forever and what did we get? Fuck all and social isolation as a flourish. It's nice to be able to see your friends before the baby is born. Afternoon tea - already suggested - is great. YANBU. I feel bad for the OP. Have a nice afternoon out. It'll be your last for some time!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/01/2017 08:46

Dunno why everyone hates baby showers so much. Men have had 'wetting the baby's head' (ugh) since forever and what did we get?

Main difference is that in the second instance the baby is safely here and you know the mother is ok, for starters.

NellysKnickers · 22/01/2017 09:19

I'm always 'busy' when invited to baby showers. Worse than hen nights as you can't even get drunk to ease the pain!

Marmalade85 · 22/01/2017 09:48

Bottle that sounds horrendous. Baby showers are awful, although I did attend one in a pub and the heavily pregnant woman was drinking wine.

Beeblossombee · 22/01/2017 09:50

My sister will be throwing me one too and I am in a similar position regarding friends without babies of their own.

I just spoke to my friends and promised it will be a get together with wine (for everyone but me) and a chance for me to have a catch up and nice afternoon with everyone before I am a sleepless zombie wreck - I think the stereotypical 'baby shower' thing can rub people up the wrong way and in my case it's not an event that is being thrown with gifting in mind.

Perhaps go to your sisters event, but also speak to the friends on your list that are not attending and say you'd like to have a small get together before the baby arrives and you'll be busy and out of it for a while?

user1484226561 · 22/01/2017 09:51

never been to a baby shower, never will do, don't know anyone who has had one

SpringerS · 22/01/2017 11:31

Afaik, baby showers (like Halloween) did not originate in America. They are are and amalgamation of various mostly Eastern traditions like the Hindu Godh Bharai/Seemantham/, the Persian Sismooni, the Bangladeshi Sadh, the Nepalese Dahi Chiura Khuwaune etc. Immigrants to the US still celebrated it in their new country and over time it caught on with the general population. Now it's spreading to Europe.

I'm not a huge fan of them but if you don't do the stupid games and it's just a bunch of friends meeting for food and a chat, it's nice. Sure gifts do tend to be given and I'm really not wild on that. I usually knit/crochet a baby cardigan when I get a shower invite. (I start well and then end up cursing my ambition and slow crafting speed that has somehow meant that I'm up until 1am the night before finishing it off.) I don't give another gift after the birth/at a Christening because so far the only showers I've been at have been as part of a friendship group where that's the norm.

ClockKeeper · 22/01/2017 11:38

Haven't read the 11 pages, sorry!

However, a get together with your friends before the baby is a lovely idea and sorry for you that there aren't as many people coming as you'd like.

However, having never been to a baby shower, do you bring a present to the baby shower and give a gift after the baby is born?

Think that's too much and bit greedy.

Catiemack · 22/01/2017 17:00

They are called "baby showers" for a reason...so that the guests can shower the woman with gifts.

All very well to say, "Well, I don't expect gifts....just a get together with me mates" but if you still call it a "shower" then your expectations are clear whether you admit it or not.

I would refuse to go to one for this reason.

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