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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - To feel sad and disappointed about my baby shower?

300 replies

user1483385529 · 17/01/2017 06:38

I'll start off by saying I'm pregnant and emotional and probably overthinking this but....

My sister kindly offered to throw me a baby shower at the end of Jan (DS1 is due in Feb). I gave her a list of people to invite in early Dec. Everyone has said they can't come except two colleagues, two neighbours (who are a couple) with one of their mums that I know, my mum and sister (MIL lives up North and can't make it down). Now bearing in mind people had notice and I only have a couple of friends with children, AIBU to be feeling very unpopular that hardly anyone is coming? I just feel like calling it off but I know my sister will have put effort in, but it's really upset me. To give a bit of back ground I've never had lots of friends, I'm quite a home bird but I just thought those people I did class as friends would make the effort (I do live about an hours drive away from some of them and others would have to get the tube). AIBU and should I stop crying over this?

OP posts:
DayToDayGlobalShit · 17/01/2017 10:24

The whole baby shower mania makes my toes curl.

It is a hideous idea. Be thankful that your friends agree .

Kskifred · 17/01/2017 10:36

I would try not to get too upset about it - as pp's have said and the opinion of the majority here I would guess its more the event than you personally for sure.

I did have a babyshower for DS (surprise one though that I had no involvement in) and it was lovely, I was overwhelmed by the people that had come tbh, although my sister and a few friends that live 3+ hours away didn't come (I would NEVER have expected them to either)

Have you thought that maybe some of your friends may be secretly ttc and so far not successful? This could also be a factor...my sister struggled for years before she had DD1 and at one point turned down her closest friends showers because it was just too painful and she wouldn't have been able to hide her feelings.

Either way I think you need to try and not take it personally - go along and enjoy what your sister has enjoyed doing for you. Sometimes it is the ones you never expect that come but I'm sure it will be a nice afternoon so just go with it.

pipsqueak25 · 17/01/2017 10:38

sorry but baby showers are tacky imo and i'd never go to one either, it always seems to be an excuse to get more presents and 'show off' a pregnancy, have lunch out with your friends instead, it'll be better received and you'll have fun.

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/01/2017 10:42

The baby showers in American films/TV programmes always seem huge and overblown - lots of people, piles of presents, which does make them seem crass and materialistic. A smaller gathering of seven or eight is much nicer, and more intimate, and could be a very enjoyable event if you confine it to food, drink and chat and accept any presents discreetly without the ghastly ritual "opening" ceremony! Make of the event what you want and it could be a lovely event to remember. Don't compare it to what we see on TV - that's what puts people off!

Helbelle75 · 17/01/2017 10:43

Just to add as well, that I had a MMC earlier in the year and being around anyone with children was difficult, never mind someone who was pregnant. This could be a reason for some people, they just don't want to discuss it.
I went to a friend's hen do (afternoon tea) about a month after the mmc and to my horror, someone was there with their newborn. It was an incredibly difficult 2 hours. No one was to know and I certainly didn't make a fuss or bring it up, but it was a very difficult 2 hours for me.

apostropheuse · 17/01/2017 10:43

Apart from them being tacky and grabby, which I think they are, I don't like them due to family circumstances. My sister was stillborn at full term and one of my brothers was also stillborn at full term. I would much rather celebrate when the baby is safely here.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 17/01/2017 10:45

I think people are being a bit anti-American here.

Yes baby showers are a cultural import here in the U.K. We've kind of magpied it without the etiquette or reasoning behind why they are popular in the states. In context they are neither grabby nor rude.

I think America there is no real tradition of gifts when the baby is born. So I can see how having a shower in a country where there is a traditions of gifts after birth looks quite grabby, you're essentially creating another opportunity to squeeze stuff out of people. Many people here are uncomfortable with gifts in advance of a baby, there's quite a prevalent superstition round this which will put a dampener on a shower. Also as a pp said, there is much less state support for a new mum (no grants and minimal maternity/paternity leave) so it is more of a helping the mum to be get what they need for the baby with minimal effort.

Even if you were my best mate I'd give a baby shower a swerve I'm afraid. No reflex on you. Must not something I'd feel comfortable with.

Backt0Black · 17/01/2017 10:47

I'd likely not attend. They're just not my thing as many people have said. And I'm pregnant Wink

candycoatedwaterdrops · 17/01/2017 10:48

YANBU to feel sad. Baby showers are totally not my thing but I'd do for a good friend. I'd suck it up and smile for her.

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/01/2017 10:59

I'm sure a lot of real-life American baby showers are fine - not too "overdone" - and also in keeping with their own tradition if they don't give additional gifts after the baby is born. It's the ones we see on TV/films, - huge, materialistic affairs with inevitable comparisons between people's gifts, and "competitive" giving - that give baby showers a bad name.

clumsyduck · 17/01/2017 11:01

Iv been to baby showers , weddings and hen dos that have required more effort than I would normally put in to something I don't actually enjoy but I go because I care about the people who have invited me

Mollyringworm · 17/01/2017 11:03

I've never been to one but always think it seems a bit like expecting a present before the baby is born and then one when they're actually born??

Such an americanised notion I think they should be banned. Along with proms and the dreadful debacle that Halloween has turned into.

I am a bit of a miserable cow though

alltouchedout · 17/01/2017 11:05

I've never been invited to one, thankfully, and I probably wouldn't go to one. I dislike the thinking behind them, it's as if you are demanding presents- because that's the whole point, isn't it, that the people who attend buy baby stuff. Let people decide for themselves if they want to buy you or the baby a present and don't hold a daft party to try and make them do it.

MonanaGeller · 17/01/2017 11:11

Thankfully baby showers have bypassed my social circle, which is a relief because I find the concept teeth-itchingly awful.

Is the point just to get presents from people and be the centre of attention for a day, or are they supposed to have some deeper significance?

paxillin · 17/01/2017 11:12

It isn't about your popularity. I have turned down all baby shower invites. I always turn up with gifts after the baby is born.

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/01/2017 11:12

I agree with PPs though that I would definitely go to a baby shower for a good friend even though I wasn't keen on the idea in general. I don't blame this OP for feeling a bit hurt if these people are good friends who she sees regularly. But she should definitely go ahead with it now as other people have accepted and I think she has a good number of people with seven or eight. As someone else said, she actually have the chance to talk to them all!

Bettercallsaul1 · 17/01/2017 11:13

she'll

BillSykesDog · 17/01/2017 11:15

Seven people coming is fine!

sj257 · 17/01/2017 11:32

Another one here who doesn't get baby showers....I'm pregnant with number 3 now and they were never a thing when I had my older children. I think they are a bit greedy personally....please come and bring presents for my baby? Unless I'm missing the point? It's not even like the baby is there....maybe a meet the baby party would be a better idea lol

Lunde · 17/01/2017 11:39

The British tradition is to give gifts after a baby is born - so the American idea of "showering" a mother-to-be with gifts can confuse people and appear grabby as people don't know how many gifts are expected - are shower gifts instead of British baby gifts or are people expecting 2 sets of gifts?

There is also a tradition in some parts of Britain that it is unlucky to have things for the baby in the house before birth - my SIL believed this so any baby gifts she received before DN's birth were kept at my house

cottencandy55 · 17/01/2017 11:42

Don't take it personally I didn't go to one of closest friends baby shower she actually suggested and arranged it herself Confused it's just not my thing and I have dcs.

Coastalcommand · 17/01/2017 12:00

I didn't plan a baby shower or a hen do. As it was, friends took me out for afternoon tea for both (I love tea and cake!). But I think a lot of people dislike the whole shower/hen thing. It's not personal.

coldcanary · 17/01/2017 12:48

Whether baby showers are your thing or not, not going to one just because you disagree with them is just rude and rather self centred. It's not about You, it's about the new baby and expectant Mum!

GeekyWombat · 17/01/2017 12:48

Cancel it and go out for a lovely afternoon tea / spa day with pregnancy friendly treatments / something else instead.

Agree with PP about not being keen to come all that way for a kind of event they might not actually feel that strongly about. I didn't have a baby shower and have only ever been to one and found it utterly cringe making. If it were me I'd be definitely waiting until you had the baby to do the round trip to bring you a gift and say hello (and get cuddles!) then.

clumsyduck · 17/01/2017 12:51

cold I agree
I wonder how many people slagging baby showers off as grabby ( I never had one and wouldn't in future by the way ) have had hen dos weddings etc etc that people had to make a real effort to attend ? Well shocker ... Not everyone is always thrilled by the cost and Effort involved with those either but still go because it's what you do for your friends

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