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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - To feel sad and disappointed about my baby shower?

300 replies

user1483385529 · 17/01/2017 06:38

I'll start off by saying I'm pregnant and emotional and probably overthinking this but....

My sister kindly offered to throw me a baby shower at the end of Jan (DS1 is due in Feb). I gave her a list of people to invite in early Dec. Everyone has said they can't come except two colleagues, two neighbours (who are a couple) with one of their mums that I know, my mum and sister (MIL lives up North and can't make it down). Now bearing in mind people had notice and I only have a couple of friends with children, AIBU to be feeling very unpopular that hardly anyone is coming? I just feel like calling it off but I know my sister will have put effort in, but it's really upset me. To give a bit of back ground I've never had lots of friends, I'm quite a home bird but I just thought those people I did class as friends would make the effort (I do live about an hours drive away from some of them and others would have to get the tube). AIBU and should I stop crying over this?

OP posts:
Mysty · 17/01/2017 07:55

Cancel it and suggest a meal out instead ! X

LunaLoveg00d · 17/01/2017 07:56

I'm another one who thinks the problem is most definitely the grabby baby shower and not the OP.

I have only been to one of these "events" and it was excruciating. The host expected us to taste baby food and work out what it was, guess the weight, birth date, name, some ridiculous guess who the celeb is as a baby game, but we drew the line when she produced toilet rolls and expected us to put "nappies" on each other with the loo roll. It was awful from start to finish and there wasn't even booze to get me through it.

Never, ever again. And certainly not driving an hour to get to one.

I'm sure the response would have been very different had the OP's sister asked some friends round for afternoon tea or a casual lunch without mentioning the "shower" word.

JustSpeakSense · 17/01/2017 07:58

It's not you Op, baby showers are tacky and grabby. Playing embarrassing games and begging for presents....it's most people's idea of hell.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/01/2017 08:02

It just seems strange to me to celebrate a baby that hasn't actually arrived yet.

^ this

Personal experience means I would never attend one. If they were 'really friends' they should understand that.

MLGs · 17/01/2017 08:05

Sounds like plenty to me.

StealthPolarBear · 17/01/2017 08:06

Agree navy.

" PostTruthEra

I wouldn't go to a baby shower. Sorry! I'd pop round with a gift and some food for the parents after the baby is born, but I don't like baby showers."
Even if the mother wpuld prefer that you came to the baby shower than popped round with food after the birth?

ProfYaffle · 17/01/2017 08:07

Def seen as unlucky to give gifts before the baby arrives. Friend of mine who's older than me had her dc in the late 80s, when she bought a pram the shop literally refused to let her take it home before the baby was born. She had to send her husband back in after the birth.

RaeSkywalker · 17/01/2017 08:07

Sorry OP, but I guess the "it's an invite, not a summons" thing applies here. Please don't be hurt- if it's not their 'thing', it's just not.

I've been to 1 baby shower and hated it. If I'm honest it did feel grabby, and I don't like giving gifts before a baby is born. I would attend the shower of an extremely close friend (there are maybe 3 friends I'd do this for).

What about a nice alternative? Just an afternoon tea/ chat? You could still have the cake if your sister has organised one, but without the implied emphasis on gift giving that a baby shower brings. I've been to a few events like his (pre-baby social events), and really enjoyed them.

Pluto30 · 17/01/2017 08:08

Where my DH is from, it's a no-no to give a gift to a baby who hasn't been born yet.

I don't like baby showers. If I was invited to one by a friend/family member, I'd go, but it's not something I'd put before other plans or look forward to going to. As it stands, I've only been to two.

I put it in the 'very American' basket, along with smash cakes, awful newborn photo shoots, obnoxious headbands on babies etc. Not my cup of tea.

RaeSkywalker · 17/01/2017 08:08

Prof my parents had the same thing when buying a pram for me in the late 80s.

ShatnersWig · 17/01/2017 08:15

OP said Now bearing in mind people had notice...

Maybe 6 weeks notice, based on what you said. If it was a Saturday or Sunday, I don't have one free until March, so I wouldn't have been able to come. You don't know for one minute that some of the people invited genuinely aren't able to come due to something else. You say most of your friends don't have children, which means they are far less tied to the home and may well have lots of advance plans; most childfree or childless people I know are the hardest to get together with because they can do what they want when they want and they have the time to be busy.

Although for most of them, it will probably be the fact that it is a shower. If your sister had said "just thought it might be nice to have a get together for a takeaway at her place before she pops" you might have had one or two more acceptances.

You said you really weren't fussed and it was more for your sister. If that was true, I don't understand why you are moaning. If you were disappointed for HER after she'd pit in a lot of effort (although she hasn't), that would make sense.

So I'd put it down to hormones, you're being unreasonable, and you will just enjoy the shower with a smaller (and actually perfectly sensible) number of people.

shockthemonkey · 17/01/2017 08:16

I'm a very "normal" person and, already at the wrong side of 50, I have never been to a baby shower (and never had one). This is in spite of having lived for four years in the US.

Baby showers are a recipe for hours of awkwardness. Maybe your DSis could re-brand the event, as others have suggested, and turn it into a fun outing. Or at least text everyone and say something like "just to be clear, expectant mum requests NO presents please". That way anyone demurring for grabbyness reasons might reconsider.

I'm sorry this has upset you

Kr1stina · 17/01/2017 08:19

Aonits a two hours round trip and most of your friends would have to drive , so they can't even have a glass of bubbly ? And they have to eat cake and play games ? < cringe>

Sorry I'd not be going unless you were my sister and there was 3 line whip. For everyone else I'd be busy too.

It's not about you, it's about the event.

BarbarianMum · 17/01/2017 08:20

In the UK baby showers are overwhelming considered grabby and rude. I wouldn't like it if my friends treat me in a grabby, rude way and so wouldn't feel obliged to support them by attending one.

diddl · 17/01/2017 08:21

It wouldn't be fair to the people who have accepted to now cancel, would it?

The thought of games/activities would put me off, plus buying something for an unborn baby.

If it was just a get together then I'd go.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 17/01/2017 08:21

I wouldn't go to a baby shower either, even if it was around the corner, let alone an hour away. There is the expectation to shower the mum to be with gifts. Sounds grabby and entitled to me and still not the done thing in the UK. Whatever happened to giving a gift after the baby is born, because you want to, not out of duty because you have been invited to some excruciating, tacky event?

Crumbs1 · 17/01/2017 08:22

i thought they only happened on television sitcoms like Friends. I have never been invited to one. Have never imagined my life less complete because of this lack of experience. I always thought all thinks baby were not really celebrated until after the birth when we have Baptism or Christening or non-Christian alternative.
Don't be upset, it's not a big deal.

Yura · 17/01/2017 08:23

Also depends on cultural background - i would never accept an invite as celebrating a baby before it is born is considered to be wishing you bad luck and evil (just bad taste is the best possible connotation really). if they are not all british/american, this could be part of it.

Trills · 17/01/2017 08:23

I agree with Stealth

If I were invited to a baby shower by my friend, I would expect to have a nice enough time, because I'd be spending time with my friend and I wouldn't expect my friend to choose to do anything that I'd hate.

BarbarianMum · 17/01/2017 08:24

Going out to lunch/coffee to get excited about the baby would be lovely though.

littledinaco · 17/01/2017 08:27

I wouldn't attend either, sorry. I always wait until baby is here safely before buying presents. Even if invite stated no presents, I would be too embarrassed to turn up empty handed so would make an excuse.

At least you know it's the baby shower and not you. Your sister sounds lovely and she's obviously putting a lot of thought into making it nice for you so I'd just enjoy it for what it is and catch up with your friends another time.

Newtssuitcase · 17/01/2017 08:27

Sorry I agree with the majority. In the UK baby showers are not an established "thing". As such they are considered tacky and grabby. I too would find any excuse to get out of going to a baby shower.

This is about the event not about you. Cancel, go out to lunch with your sister and mum and if your DSis has spent money on a cake eat it and enjoy it.

Longdistance · 17/01/2017 08:30

Get together with everyone once baby is here.

It's much nicer, and everyone can have cuddles and baby can be passed around whilst they coo over him/her.

I never had a baby shower for any of mine, and they're 5 and 7, people just came over to visit and have cuddles/give me a break.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 17/01/2017 08:32

I honestly can't think of a worse event than a baby shower.

My cousin was having one, very very soon after me finding out I will never have children. Oddly enough, I didn't really fancy it and received no end of grief over declining.

I have no interest whatsoever in sitting talking about children and playing baby games. I'll happily send a gift. I'm also about an hour away. I'll only make the trip home now for something I actually want to do, as it otherwise takes over my entire day and evening.

I also find the concept of a social event constructed purely for giving gifts to be a little crass.

KitKats28 · 17/01/2017 08:33

I never understand the attitude on here that you're "not a good friend" if you don't drop everything for every friend every time they summon you.

Most people have their own lives, and do their own thing with their own families. If a friend invites me to something, I go if I can/want to and don't if I don't. It doesn't define the friendship.

As for baby showers, if a friend lived an hour or more away, I would want to see the baby, not play stupid games with a bump. I've never understood why baby showers are not held after the baby comes, so people can meet it.