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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - To feel sad and disappointed about my baby shower?

300 replies

user1483385529 · 17/01/2017 06:38

I'll start off by saying I'm pregnant and emotional and probably overthinking this but....

My sister kindly offered to throw me a baby shower at the end of Jan (DS1 is due in Feb). I gave her a list of people to invite in early Dec. Everyone has said they can't come except two colleagues, two neighbours (who are a couple) with one of their mums that I know, my mum and sister (MIL lives up North and can't make it down). Now bearing in mind people had notice and I only have a couple of friends with children, AIBU to be feeling very unpopular that hardly anyone is coming? I just feel like calling it off but I know my sister will have put effort in, but it's really upset me. To give a bit of back ground I've never had lots of friends, I'm quite a home bird but I just thought those people I did class as friends would make the effort (I do live about an hours drive away from some of them and others would have to get the tube). AIBU and should I stop crying over this?

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 17/01/2017 09:45

Awful concept. I might go if it was round the corner but I certainly wouldn't put myself out to go to something I think is stupid. Happy to give a gift after the birth, but not before.

Kr1stina · 17/01/2017 09:47

Computer - do you think it's ok for women to have their own opinion about what constitutes a " nice occasion " ?

Dahlietta · 17/01/2017 09:50

I understand why you're upset, OP, but I think everyone is right that it's not about you, but the event. Quite possibly each friend thought they'd be the only one who didn't want to go and wouldn't be missed. They wouldn't have wanted the event to be a washout and upset you.

aaahhhBump · 17/01/2017 09:50

I've had babyshowers arranged for both of mine but no gifts was on the invite. I just really wanted an opportunity to meet up with family before the baby was born. A family occasion that wasn't a funeral. As that had been the only time we seemed to see family.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 17/01/2017 09:50

Computer Grin

I don't get why they're so horrible?! It's one of the first things when a friend announces they're pregnant 'ooh we get to organise a baby shower!'
I've been to surprise showers, girls only showers and ones where the lads are all invited too. Those ones are fun and usually involve beer and a BBQ Grin

I'm not American nor do I live in America either Smile

user1484317265 · 17/01/2017 09:53

It's about putting your friend first Kiss even if it means doing something you don't ordinarily want to do

People on here often have very unrealistic expectations of friendship, which is why they are so often disappointed.
I don't expect my friends to do whatever I want because they are my friends, and I certainly don't. That is not friendship, thats over dependent weirdness.

And baby showers suck. Nobody wants to go them. Don't take it personally, and don't be so unfair to your friends.

specialsubject · 17/01/2017 09:54

Just arrange to meet with local friends. With respect, a baby bump isnt interesting to anyone else. A baby is.

A shower looks grabby in the UK because here we give presents to a baby, not a foetus - so it looks as if you want two lots. Also like hen nights they have a reputation for all sorts of revolting tackiness.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 17/01/2017 09:54

Of course I do, Kr1stina - I just find it baffling that people are so mealy-mouthed about other people doing something nice for someone else. Or even for themselves for that matter.

PootlewasthebestFlump · 17/01/2017 09:56

I've just been to a baby shower for the first time, for a good friend. It was arranged by the same people who arranged her big bash hen do.

I was a bit surprised that the meal was to cost £20 and there was a list of presents like at a wedding - baby bath, bottle thingy, baby stuff. It cost me around £50 and I've still bought little bits for when the baby is born.

I think my working class roots dictate that a parent offers to buy a cot, or pram, etc but it's not expected for all friends to furnish the parents-to-be with everything they need.

I adopted my child and I didn't expect people to buy the bed, toys, school uniforms....why would they?

What's more my friend earns far more than I do so it all seemed a bit...unnecessary?

I went because she's my friend and it was quite fun (hate the games...) but it makes me very uncomfortable to celebrate a baby 2 months before its due, because of my own family history and others friends' experiences.

If people want to chip in and help get stuff after the baby is born if the parents are hard up, fine. But buying everything they need up front? Weird.

But like I said, I went for my friend. And she was not bothered about the gifts. It was about friendship.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 17/01/2017 09:57

MrsDr 17 years ago my workmates organised a lovely get together (with gifts Shock ) to mark the beginning of my maternity leave. Nut then I'm tacky and grabby Grin

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/01/2017 09:59

I think a get together to celebrate a woman becoming a mother is a lovely idea. No idea why the hatred of them is so strong.

Maybe because women like me have very personal reasons not to want to do this until the baby is safely here and the mother is ok.

CaraAspen · 17/01/2017 09:59

Baby showers are American. People in this country shouldn't do this sort of tacky thing.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 17/01/2017 10:04

I went to one where the mum-to-be had organised it herself. She made a huge fuss and invited over 40.

Needless to say nobody could be arsed and there were 6 of us in a massive function room with so much food wasted. (I had to go, family member)

I hate the idea of giving baby gifts before the baby is here. Then you have to get another gift once the baby is born.

Naff games and you can't even get rat-arsed because it's all meant to be proper. Such fun Hmm

17 years ago my workmates organised a lovely get together (with gifts shock ) to mark the beginning of my maternity leave. This is totally different. Everybody makes a fuss of a work colleague when they are leaving to have a baby.

cauliflowercheese14 · 17/01/2017 10:05

Same here piglet, in the context of my own and others experiences it would be a deeply unsettling experience.

LauraLovesDaisy · 17/01/2017 10:05

I've had something different but similar happen to me and it hurts. Treasure those people who are making an effort to attend. Others have their reasons for not coming, but try not to take it personally.

user1484317265 · 17/01/2017 10:06

I think a get together to celebrate a woman becoming a mother is a lovely idea. No idea why the hatred of them is so strong

For some of us, being pregnant does not mean we become mothers.

cauliflowercheese14 · 17/01/2017 10:08

Although I notice in my wider family there is now an excruciating trend of signing Xmas cards from an unborn foetus.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/01/2017 10:09

We don't like people organising nice occasions on MN, MrsDrSpencer - see also proms, weddings and hen parties. And if that nice thing is seen as an American import then it's all holds barred on the vitriol front

Hmm
WineIsMyMainVice · 17/01/2017 10:10

My DS lives in the US and has told me some horror stories about these baby showers. A lot are held in a function room of a hotel with lines of chairs conference style. The expectant mother and her closest friends and family, sit at a table up at the front. Then each gift is opened in front of everyone and held up for all to see. When your gift is being opened you have to stand up - and depending on how nice/expensive the present that you've bought is, depends on how much applause is given!!!
The only reason I've told you all of this is that firstly it may make you chuckle and cheer you up! But also may explain why so many previous posters have said they are not keen on baby showers. . Personally I hope that we never embrace them to this extent. It sounds hideous!
Don't take this personally op. You have 2 choices don't you - cancel it. Or go with it and decide to have a nice time with the people that are there.
Good luck with your pregnancy/baby etc x

cauliflowercheese14 · 17/01/2017 10:11

Absolutely user.

MumW · 17/01/2017 10:15

Sorry, but I too would try and find a way out of going.

Baby Showers are an American thing and, as I understand it, they don't have maternity leave/grants etc so it is a way for friends and family to set up the expectant couple with essentials.

Traditionally, in the UK, we give gifts when the baby is born and I prefer to go down that route. I also feel that by having a baby shower, it is practically demanding a gift. Maybe that makes me an old fuddy duddy.

Kr1stina · 17/01/2017 10:17

Computer - you seem to be missing the point that not everyone thinks they are " nice " . I don't mind anyone organising one andinviting me, but I don't feel obliged to go because they think it's nice.

I'd rather spend a day weeding the garden or running. I don't expect you to join me because I get that it's not everyone's idea of fun. I don't accuse people of being full of vitriol and xenophobic just because they don't like running or gardening.

HotNatured · 17/01/2017 10:19

I've been to one babyshower and would never go to another one. I was bored out of my mind. Silly games, endless talking about babygrows and nappies, friend's boring random colleagues 'from work' to make up the numbers, no alcohol and endless tea and cup cakes are not my idea of fun. Very grasping and very American.

Timeforteaplease · 17/01/2017 10:19

I would decline a shower invite too. I can't think of anything more boring.

Rubies12345 · 17/01/2017 10:21

OP, have you thought about rebranding it as a baby get together or a tea party? I'm sure your friends would come if you did. Make it clear no gifts needed

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