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Original poster

To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

547 replies

ElllaKeat · 16/01/2017 18:45

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

OP posts:
KeepCalm · 16/01/2017 20:18

And they haven't been in touch since Fri to grovel apologies?!??? ShockAngry

Absolute feckers.

Well done on your all clear Op & many happy returns Flowers treat yourself to some new friends.....

CommunionHelp · 16/01/2017 20:19

OP, poor you, having to listen to that from someone you considered a friend.

In your boots, I'd walk away, long term friendship or not. Your friends must have really how crap they made you feel. I would admire anyone for trying to find a way to help the friendship recover and move forward, but personally, I would struggle enormously to ever feel the same way again.

You are not not not being daft. Flowers

MycatsaPirate · 16/01/2017 20:19

Not read all the replies but have read op's posts.

we don't want to look at that while we are eating or whatever she said was fucking rude.

My suggestion?

Next time, wear the same top. Get your husband to find a black sharpie and draw a great big arrow to your scars and write my battle scars across the top.

And then tell the rude bitch to fuck right off.

Stonewash · 16/01/2017 20:20

I think she might have been speaking for herself, not the others, despite framing it as "We don't..." Sounds like she appointed herself the spokesperson for the group, but actually they might not have agreed with her, or even known anything about it. I'd speak to the others individually and find out what she said to them, as they may not have had any input at all.

happypoobum · 16/01/2017 20:21

This is utterly shocking and you are not being over sensitive.

Is it possible that whilst you were at the bar, this "friend" said something shitty about your scars, and that is why the atmosphere had changed? Is that more likely than the idea they were all being bitchy and cunty?

I really hope so - it's bad enough one of them would be so awful.

Is there anyone else in the group you feel you could speak to and try to find out what was actually said? If you can't get a satisfactory answer I would ditch the lot of them Flowers

MycatsaPirate · 16/01/2017 20:21

pretty I love that story!! Well done to you and your friends, I bet that made her feel utterly wonderful.

haveacupoftea · 16/01/2017 20:23

I wouldn't cut them all out...I doubt your other friends would have chosen those words, if they even agreed. Perhaps the atmosphere changed because Bitch was talking about it and everyone else felt uncomfortable with what she said? Seems more likely to me.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2017 20:23

So they all discussed this behind your back, and om instead a spokes person to tell you, how nice. Yes it would make me think that bit less of them, that their feelings trumps your battle scars, evidence of your survival. What if you had a facial,scar, as somebody pointed out, woukd they ask you to cover it up, or a stoma, or amputation. Good friends just do not do this. It shoukd have stopped at yiu saying no thanks to the top, but she carried on! Would make me think what else are they saying about me! Are they true friends!

Hissy · 16/01/2017 20:25

Oh love! I'm heartbroken for you! That 'friend' was really bloody awful!

How dare she/they make you feel like that!?

You're an amazing woman, with true courage, strength and bravery! People who love you also love your scars because they are part of you, part of the amazing woman you have proven to be.

My son has burn marks, we love them because they are part of him, and actually showed him and me just how brave and strong he was.

I wanna scoop you up and hug the bejeezus out of you xx

GimmeeMoore · 16/01/2017 20:25

Oh my,you needed your friend to tell you you looked great,compliment your top
On this occasion she failed to do that.and I understand that hurts
I don't know why she reacted so badly.but if you can I'd talk to her before ending a friendship
And on basis of how she reacts,what she says,consider what you want to do
I'm not excusing her,at all.but sometimes folk do say inappropriate things and it's inexplicable.

MissNosey · 16/01/2017 20:28

I agree with hmcAsWas - who of us would think to make such a comment, and offer of an alternative top to cover up, to a friend? A friend wouldn't give a damn what you looked like.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/01/2017 20:28

That 'friend' was nasty, to use those harsh and nasty works, like flaunting, and, not wanting to look at that when we are eating, not even trying to be sensitive. That woman would go in my book. Mabey arrange to meet the others, or call them to talk about it, and how hurt horrid friend made you feel.

Original poster
ElllaKeat · 16/01/2017 20:28

Thank you all so much for your replies, just reading through them all now,

Just a quick response - DH is being lovely, he just (usually) knows me well enough to know that very dry humour is the way i deal with most things. One suggestion (amongst a mutitude) was to have ODFOD tattooed just above where my nipple once was, just in case my top slipped down again!

I do have two reconstructed breasts. The problem is that i had skin taken from my stomach to create the breast, so it us actually a different colour, much paler, and the outline is clear.

And lastly, just before i go and read responses properly, you may right. I assumed that everyone had been talking about it at the table and 'friend' was trying to act as go between. But i could be just making that up, perhaps it was just her?

Will read and be back, but thank you so much, it means a lot, reading your lovely replies.

OP posts:
themorus · 16/01/2017 20:30

I would write a letter, get it all out, how they made you feel, how hurt you are when you've helped them over the years. It can be very cathartic.

You don't have to send it, but whether you do or don't send it your feelings towards them will never be the same. Only you know if you could move on and still act the same in their company. They were very insensitive, as others have said what if the scar was on your face? Or you had lost a limb? If they cant handle it, it is their problem not yours.

Can your DH really not see how hurt you are? It doesn't really matter whether there was malice behind the comment. You were feeling supported by your friends, now you feel judged. Friends shouldn't do that to you.

Chocolatecake12 · 16/01/2017 20:30

I think in time you need to tell them how their comments made you feel.
Was the women who spoke to you speaking on behalf of the others? Maybe don't vilify just her but the whole group.
An email to them all could be a good way of telling them how you felt without the face to face confrontation.
30 years is a very long time and I'm sure there have been other arguments or niggles in the past that you have got through.
Give this time. Hopefully you can move on from this.

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/01/2017 20:30

What utterly rude twats. My mother had a mastectomy and I would never have dreamed of asking her to cover her scars up.

In fact, she also had back surgery when I was little. I remember loving the times that I was allowed to sit there running her scar better. It wasn't scary; it was part of her.

Your friends have behaved very poorly op Flowers

PleaseNotTrump · 16/01/2017 20:30

Congratulations on getting the all clear!

Even if your friends were squeamish her view was insensitively expressed. How disappointing for you, after such a long friendship and after being given the all clear.

I would give yourself some space for a bit and try and make other friends too.

NC1nightstand · 16/01/2017 20:31

Wow, unbelievable.
You've all known each other since you were young, do they look the same? Or have they gained/lost weight, gone grey/bald etc? People change, it shouldn't change the way we treat them.
I honestly think that in this day and age, with breast cancer being so prevalent the sight of a mastectomy scar is hardly shocking. In fact I find scars quite beautiful, they are an outer sign of inner strength. Every woman with scars like yours are a wonderful reminder of the fact that you can battle the worst and win.
I cannot get past what she said to you, the only thing I would want to know is what the others thought. Did she raise her stupid views while you were in the toilet and the rest of the group were not in agreement and their embarrassment of her small mind was the undercurrent you perceived when you came back to the table?
You won't know until you or dh asks.
She owes you an apology, maybe they all do.
But after 30 years of friendship, if they can't handle the visual reminder of what you went through and overcame, it may indeed be time to move on.

tillytown · 16/01/2017 20:32

Happy belated birthday op, sorry your friend tried to ruin it Flowers

HappyFlappy · 16/01/2017 20:32

(although who the Jeff has a clean top in their gym kit on a night out?).

This is EXACTLY what I was going to post Craic - glad I read further in the thread.

I wonder (horrible as the prospect is) if this has been planned - maybe knowing what type of clothes Ella likes to wear, and how comfortable she is in her own skin, perhaps they were worried that they might have to see a glimpse of scar tissue?

Whatever the ins and outs, it was a cruel and selfish comment to make.

Ella - you, and other women like you, are remarkably brave and an example to us all. There is no shame in your "battle scars" and no-one should make you feel embarrassed about them - on the contrary! You are showing people that it's possible to come through an experience that most of us would dread, and still be the person that you always were. You haven't changed. You have just seen a side to your friends that you never knew existed, because they had never had to show it to you before.

themorus · 16/01/2017 20:33

Sorry cross post bout DH, I an do dry humour too but maybe this time the feeling you have cuts down too deep. I would be hurt and angry too,I am on your behalf!

HappyFlappy · 16/01/2017 20:34

an outer sign of inner strength

Beautifully put, Nightstand

GimmeeMoore · 16/01/2017 20:34

You do have a scar,it's prominent cause it tells a story. Like cartography on a map
That scar doesn't define you,its a landmark,visual reminder of your journey
Be kind to yourself, you're here,scar and all.

Sickofthisnow · 16/01/2017 20:36

She was wrong. YANBU at all. That is horrendous. I am so angry in your behalf. My best friend has a scar right across her chest and if anyone said anything to her about it to make her feel uncomfortable and as though she should be ashamed I'd be tempted to swing for them!

Liiinoo · 16/01/2017 20:36

And congratulations on the five year all clear. What great news. Flowers.