To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

So sorry that this happened OP, but I agree that you shouldn't assume that the other 5 people at the table agreed with the friend who spoke to you. I don't think that you can really tell how the others felt without talking privately to each of them. I wouldn't believe that your "best" friend knew what was in each of their hearts...

I also think that writing a letter might be helpful, even if it ended up unsent. I also think I would want to tell such a good old friend how she had made me feel, if I could gather my strength enough to have that conversation.

Those scars show how you battled cancer and won! Some battles aren't worth entering into, your so-called-friend would be one of those instances...

Maybe she'd of been better served shoving her vest top into her own gob to stem the flow of verbal diarrhoea that was spewing from it!!!!

Congratulations on your all clear :)

Is this the first time they've seen the scars?Because while I'm not defending any comments in the slightest here, the reality is that for many people the first time they see severe scarring can come as a bit of a shock. If it's something you usually keep covered by virtue of the position that it's in, added to that the fact that you kept pulling your top back up and therefore drawing further attention to it, and it's perhaps slightly understandable that they may have felt uncomfortable, even if the comments were uncalled for.

Let's face it, we live in a society where the expected response is to want to cover or obliterate scarring. Products like bio oil have been brought to the market for precisely that purpose.

I have a fairly prominent appendix scar. In fact it looks like I popped down to the local horse doctor to have it done rather than having gone into an actual hospital. it doesn't bother me in the slightest, and I have worn bikkini's on holiday. And while I don't feel that I should have to cover up for anyone else' s benefit, I also don't think that anyone who caught sight of it could be blamed for wincing and thinking "OMG."

IMO it's the comment that is uncalled for rather than the reaction iyswim. But perhaps get your DH to have a word to gain a better understanding of what people were thinking before you ditch a life-long friendship. Sometimes people say things and it all comes out wrong. It doesn't justify anything, but equally we are all human, and people can say the wrong thing which they thought was well intentioned when they don't themselves know how to react to something.

Mabey they had all been discussing you when you and dh went to the bar, as the atmosphere changed, something was off, this lady took it upon herself to be the spokesperson. If they are good friends, I would talk to them, tell them how hurt they made yiu feel, how horrid friends comments ruined yiur birthday night! They need to know. Carry on wearing what yiu want! If it creates issues and causes yiu to fall out with them, they are not the friends you thought.

I think your DH knows exactly how bad this is and is joking/minimising because if he admits the truth to you he knows the very old friendships will possibly be over.
Which despite one friends appalling behaviour may not be what you would both choose.

Sorry not read the whole thread, but was so angry at your friend. Wear what you want, tell friends if they are uncomfortable tough they don't need to come out.
I have a cancer scar on my body and would never think I had to cover it up.
It's a part of who I am now.

I think your DH knows exactly how bad this is and is joking/minimising because if he admits the truth to you he knows the very old friendships will possibly be over.

Sorry, call me U if you like , but if I was on the receiving end of something like that from and 'old friend' and at my celebration dinner d like to think that I think my DH would consider the friendship was over.. and if he didnt I'd want to know why he didnt

How unbelievably rude and insensitive. I have no idea what was going through her head. Just awful. I hope she apologises and means it.

Holy crap. What vile creatures. Absolutely no excuse. Mind you my DD was born with ' abnormalities' so my tolerance for this sort of behaviour is zero, I'd have put her straight if I'd been at the table.

Miss Val the ucla gymnastics coach talks about her cancer in a couple of videos. One part of it that always stuck with me was "We get to have chemo. Rather than we have to have chemo." When she talks about how lucky she was with treatment.

You got to have surgery. You got to have treatment and it worked. Those scars can only be seen because it worked. That isn't something that should put anyone off their food.

I just read your latest post and saw the comment was about a reconstruction scar - the same operation (diep/tramflap) I had in 2008. The pale line of my scar is visible, improves in summer when I get a bit of a light colour. I would be devastated if anyone said that to me particularly a close friend and also can't see how anyone would lose their appetite looking at it. How hurtful can anyone be, you can only assume they didn't realise because surely they wouldn't have said it but the language used was so direct. What was she thinking? I have thought
about what I would do and I would have to talk to her about it, see what her reaction was and take it from there. I don't think my DH would be as charitable as yours but not seeing the friendship group together could upset you more in the long run.

YANBU

But don't assume it's the whole of the group of your lifelong friends, it may just be this one particular friend who behaved insensitively.

Not much advice but this post has really affected me. I lost my aunt to this bastard illness on Wednesday, she was one of my favourite people in the whole world, leaves behind her husband & 8 year old son, as well as completely devastated friends & family. I would tell them they're bloody lucky to still have their friend in their lives, I'd give bloody anything to have my wonderful aunt back, & she could wave her scar round all she bloody well wanted!

I think if you've had a reconstruction then it's a different thing and they are VVU. You should be able to wear what you always did, non? I have to admit that if the scar was where a boob should be following a mastectomy and no reconstruction it might make me a bit uncomfortable. I'd never say anything to the person, obviously, but I could understand them being a bit discomfited. But post reconstruction? They're very immature.

(My BF died in her early 20s from cancer; as part of her treatment she lost a limb. For a long time after I had a physical reaction to seeing amputated limbs, they would just bring me right back to that horrible time. But I hid it as best I could, as it just wasn't about me. So if that is a part of their reaction, it's maybe understandable, but again - not about them, they should suck it up.)

If you've been close friends for 30 years, don't throw that away just yet. Talk to whichever one you feel most comfortable with and take it from there.

YANBU.

I honestly cannot get my head around why anyone would be bothered by a scar, let alone to the extreme that this so called friend was bothered.

I'd message them all in a grouo message and ask them exactly why they were bothered by it. See if any of them come back with "I'm not" answers and you will know its just her. It will also give them a chance to apologise or explain themselves. Only then would I make a decision what to do about their friendships.

Bearing in mind her comment about not wanting to look at the scars whilst eating, I think she was being squeamish as opposed to feeling bad for you. I think she was obscenely rude. As a pp said, had it been facial scars, should you have worn a fucking bag over your head? She should've shut up the minute you declined the vest top. Someone with half an ounce of sensitivity would've immediately blushed and backed off.

My scars make people very uncomfortable and I do keep them under wraps, but good friends don't make comments about not wanting to look at them whilst eating. I think she was being a cow, OP.

So people who have gained a scar on their face should wear a bag on their head?
YANBU. Carry on as you are and more power to your elbow.

Very rude. I don't care what their motivations were, to tell you that your scars make them uncomfortable is revolting. You are owed a massive apology.

OP,
How dare they treat you like that. I would be very upset, too. And they call themselves friends. Strangers would have treated you better and they wouldn't have been gaping at you, either. I despair.

I reckon you should buy her the Scar Project book for her birthday :)

www.thescarproject.org/

Loads and loads of pictures of beautiful women and their equally beautiful scars.

That must have been awful for you and I think they were being extremely insensitive. I remember after qualifying as a beauty therapist at the age of 18, massaging a lady who had recently had a double mastectomy. She thanked me at the end for not reacting to her scars and said that it had given her confidence to not hide them away from her husband. I was 18 and knew that this was how to treat someone who had gone through such a difficult experience. They should know better

You know we love you, she's appointed herself spokesperson for the whole group. That single phrase left me cold.

Back in Nov., my friend of 30yrs used this phrase before she used my childhood traumatic experiences I'd confided in her against me to justify her verbal abuse of me & crap behaviour. I'll wager there's a pattern of this type of behaviour against you OP from this one female. Dressed up as " you know we love you". I've identified a pattern between us now that I've detached. She leaves me feeling cold now. Maybe in the future I might feel different. For now, I'm happy I've cut her out of my life.

I'm glad you've had the all clear.

I'm sorry this has happened OP xx

I just wonder if they felt they were looking at your breasts, or what they now regard as your breast. A bit like when July finnigan top slipped? I would regard that area as private as a breast. Maybe? Not sure I'd say what she said though.

That's disgusting!! You were not sensitive. You need to tell them where to go!