To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

emmyrose, nice friend is the one who didn't know what was going on at the time but was appalled when he found out. The person you're talking about is presumably nice friend's wife.

Nice friend,is one of the nasty friends dh, who did not know what was going on, when found out, had a go at his nasty wife.

That's the only nice friend in all this, the rest are disgusting

No they wanted Ella to cover up because it was putting them off their dinner, not because it reminded them of how close to loosing opthey came. Yes it's times like this, that separates the wheat from the chaff.

What? FFF (former fucking friend) is deranged. You look lovely in the photos OP.

Sometimes, when something tricky happens in life, it actually has the affect of separating the wheat from the chaff friendship wise - I would consider this a success, that you have got rid of some nasty pieces of work from your lives xx

Glad your feeling better, as others said I was imagining much, much worse than the picture!! Even if it had of been than still wouldn't have been ok for them to comment.

I still can't help but wonder if she would have asked someone with amputated limbs to cover up their scars.

You should probably tell her that it may be best for her to stay indoors from now on, so as not to inflict her nasty mind on other people. Just as a kind piece of friendly advice.

What a bitch.

When someone shows you who they are believe them. Ella this woman has shown her true colours. There is no remorse, it is all about her.

I've had a mastectomy and remember having a discussion with one of the breast care team, who was lovely in every way, but wore very low cut tops to work, showing off her impressive bosom. I told her one day that her way of dressing was a bit insensitive considering where she was working and that part of her job involved talking about prothesis with patients. She told me she had never ever thought of it. Now whenever I see her, she is dressed much more appropriately. She amended her behaviour having considered the circumstances. Your friend is playing the martyr card as it is all about her.

If only any of us knew who these awful people were we could email a link to this thread! Would be a great fly on the wall moment.

Oh Ella your scar is nothing like I'd imagined after that email from that 'friend' .... I hope they quickly see what fuckin morons they're being!!! blimey I've much much Worse psoriasis patches on my arms which I 'flaunt' every day!!! Naughty me I didn't realise it caused such an issue, I'll carry smelling salts from now on for those hoards of people fainting at the sight 😮

So your friends were upset by a scar and a pale patch of skin! Would they have reacted the same way to someone with a tattoo on her boob,or would that have been "acceptable"? Stupid twits.

First of all well done for getting the all clear. Secondly I think that email is an absolute load of crap. The argument used would only apply if you were actually showing something embarrassing which you were not! Scars and different coloured skin are not an embarrassment at all in any shape or form . Would they tell someone with birthmarks or scars on their face to stay in the house in case they embarrassed them? I can believe someone actually sat down and wrote that email. I think they should be the ones hiding away not you. It is a lovely top and to be honest they are either just idiots or jealous in some totally weird way. I don't see how you can get back from this to be honest . And as for playing the cancer card , don't even get me started it's one of the most incomprehensible and ignorant remark I think I have ever heard. Sending hugs , onwards and upwards without most of them I think have a lovely holiday and post loads of pictures of yourself having lots of fun wearing whatever you feel like .

Amazing! You have known these people 30 odd years and they talk like that... they acting like toddlers
Well done on getting the all clear there is nothing wrong with anything that i can see in thise pics and i bet they wouldnt dare to have said anything to a stranger.... i would ditch the lot tbh... assholes...
I have a friend (who is 22) who has had life saving surgery from 4 weeks old, her most recent op was another heart bypass about a year ago, she has extensive scarring on her chest (from like where your chin would touch, down), round her back, under her boobs, on her arms and on a leg from the ankle to her groin.. she has shown me these scars many times from straight after surgery and old ones. I will not lie and they are very big scars but honestly, i dont even see them, we regularly go swimming together and she wears a bikini! (Jealous as i dont have the confidence) For me the only time i see her scars is when she points them out to me, the rest of the time i see my best friend and hero who i love.
Your 'friends' shouldnt have bitched like that... you sound like a great person so dont let them get to you

aworldofmyown

"You should probably tell her that it may be best for her to stay indoors from now on, so as not to inflict her nasty mind on other people. Just as a kind piece of friendly advice."

That would be my advice to her too. Horrible person.

I agree, those 'friends' have shown you who they really are, shame it took 30 years to hide. The one that's 'nice' really isent, she went along with it, colluded in the nastiness towards op, hasent even contacted her to,apologise. The only one that's nice is one of the nasty friends dh, who stuck up for her and had a go at his nasty wife!

I don't do a lot of posting on MN but I've read this whole thread and felt compelled to post.
Firstly Ella you sound like a total warrior, you posts speak of a strong, brave lovely lady.
Secondly your scars are your story, they are the words in your diary, the pictures in your albums and your footsteps on the sand, they say where you have been and the battles you have fought, they are you and absolutely no one has the right to try and diminish their meaning or what they represent in any way, how dare they.
Thirdly the fact that anyone could send such an appalling email and expect it to be accepted as an apology is almost more hurtful than the original conversation. It was spineless and self serving. You do not need people like that in your circle and I'm so very sorry that you've been subjected to such unpleasantness.
Finally your DH, I think he might be a keeper
I do hope you can salvage your friendship with lovely friend and his wife (if she can grow a pair and get in touch with you) and although it's not the mumsnet way I'm sending you a very large virtual hug x

Hi op I read your full thread and wondered how you were?

I was wondering this morning how you were xx

On p15 atm so haven't yet read the whole thing. Just felt I needed to add my voice to others.

That's not an apology, she's just trying to justify her appalling behaviour and as for the 'playing the cancer card, etc' lines, I think I'd have to smack her one for that, although I wouldn't really waste the effort on her. It really beggers belief.

Their behaviour says everything about them and nothing but good about you. You handled yourself with grace and decorum.

Thank goodness one of them saw the behavior of the others for what it is and stuck up for you.

From their reaction I was expecting to see that you had your entire breast on show down to your waist/lower ribcage!

With regard to the photos:

If I'm honest, on first glance it just looked like you were showing a tan line (and even then, only slightly). On looking more closely, I can make out the scars, but they seem very minimal (don't mean this to undermine what you've been through) and appear to have healed beautifully. You look lovely and very presentable in both shots, and if your so-called friends can't see that then they aren't worth your time.

I wish you the best and hope that you continue to remain clear of cancer

Your 'scar' is the visible price for you're still being here. A price worth paying and decent friends would just be grateful that was the case.

Bitches.

How completely graceless of them. And just odd and f'ed up really.

My dad had a zipper scar up the centre of his chest and you could see the top few inches. That scar came from life-saving surgery. Even if it was, say, a scar on your arm from tendon surgery it would be extremely peculiar and rude to ask someone to put it away.

Hurray for the nice husband.

Sorry this happened. When the dust settles - although you'll be better off without them of course - it'll still be a bit sad for it to end on that note, by finding out they are mean-spirited and rude.

I am just at your so called friends! What horrible, horrible people.
I cannot believe anyone would act the way they have. They really are the very worst of human kind.

Not only are all of the as bad as each other but the fucking husband who didn't want to take sides and 'if you couldn't take a piece of well meant advice you shouldn't meet up with them again' is a different level cunt altogether!!!

If you feel you can it would be great if you could link them all to this thread, I for one would like them to know how utterly disgusting their behaviour is.

You have been so brave and dignified throughout. You look lovely in your top and really good on your Husband for kicking some arse!

What an utter pair of bitches. You look lovely. Even if you didn't, there is absolutely no excuse for her disgusting comments.

You deserve better friends.