To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

THIS

Congratulations on getting the all clear OP. You should feel bloody proud of those scars because they mark an awful time in your life that you have conquered. I don't believe the view that your friend was upset because they remind her of a time when they were worried about losing you. If that was the case she would have said " it upsets me to see them because it reminds me of a time when you were so poorly and I couldn't help" or something similar. In any event you don't get to play top trumps with someone who's been through cancer treatment e.g. Her sensitivities about seeing your scars do not " top trump " your freedom to wear whatever you want. ( even if it was a wardrobe malfunction). As soon as it was established you were happy with the top she should have STFU. And all this nonsense of children being upset be seeing amputees etc is fucking bull-shit. I can't stand it. This is life and we all wear our scars one way or another. Xx

What a nasty piece of work she sounds. I am not surprised you were upset. If she apologizes and MEANS it,I would accept it and let it go. Otherwise,I would be inclined not to bother with her again.

I think your husband should tell the lot of them to piss off.
My DB had a lopsided chest, enlarged heart and massive scar (with stitch marks) from one side to the other. His friends had more common humanity to ever remark on it, but if anyone had ever said to him what that bitch said to you I would have made them pay,

Chin up and ditch them,

If your DH thinks there was no malice in it, maybe he could just ask your friends what lay behind that conversation and whether they felt uncomfortable looking at you. At least that way you'll have a better idea where you are with them.

I can't imagine myself ever saying anything like that to anyone about a scar they had, no matter where it was, and no matter how it made me feel. I think that was very very cruel. In addition to your hurt, I'd also feel humiliated if they had all been discussing it (are you sure they were?) and would probably not be able to see them again just because of the awkwardness of it.

I'm not convinced by some suggestions here that maybe it caused them real distress. If it did, surely they could suck that distress up for one evening rather than humiliate you after everything you've gone through? Surely...?

If they thought YOU were distressed, that's different. But as someone else noted, a good friend would have said nothing more after you declined the vest.

Why, after your 'distress' of dealing with the possibility of death, would anyone think it must now be your responsibility to adapt your pleasures (which celebrate survival) to accommodate their discomfort?

It's totally fucked up, actually. And as the first person who responded said, what would they have done if it was on your face? I think this would completely affect the way I viewed their friendship.

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

I think she was unkind, and I can see why you were so upset.

But I wouldn't want to lose a lifelong friendship group over one thoughtless comment.

i also thought of the amputee analogy. if you had had a prosthetic arm and usually wore long sleeves but on one occasion chose to wear short sleeves exposing more of the prosthetic, would they be justified in saying something about how it looks?

i didn't get the impression that you were baring your entire breast area, just that the edges of scarring were showing more than normal. unless she's somehow sincere that she thought you might be uncomfortable that your top kept slipping and you had to keep pulling it up, i can't see how you can go back from this. the fact that you noticed a change in atmosphere suggests that wasn't it at all.

also tell your bloody dp to stop taking the piss - does he have no sensitivity at all ffs?

If the scar was on your face would they ask you to put a bag over your head?

It might not make them feel comfortable, but that's their problem and they have no right to make you feel self conscious. I think you need to tell them frankly how that made you feel, that you are aren't ashamed of your scar, but you are ashamed of their behaviour.

I am obviously being daft about it but it hurts

OP I disagree, you're not being daft at all. Your friend was very disrespectful, selfish and frankly cruel. You have just come through a terrible ordeal and quite rightly were on a high, it was very unfair to burst your bubble in such a nasty way.

I would be hurt and angry too OP. That was selfish, tactless, unkind, self centred, just awful. But old friends are precious so I would talk to them about it before making a final decision. So what if you cry? Crying is an entirely appropriate response in this situation.

Bear in mind only one woman actually spoke to you about this - she might not represent the group opinion as much as she said she did. I would certainly want to talk to the other people before making a decision.

They were out of order.

You are not being daft, you have been through a lot and you are right to be upset.

It's a shame your "friend" chose to show her ugly side and on your birthday celebrations! If you're that close can you confront it head on? Would be a shame to lose life long friends over a bitchy comment.

That's truly vile behaviour from your 'friends' 30 years is a long time however so I think I'd have to speak to them about it & if necessary tear a strip off them.

I agree with talking about this with your other friends-they may or may not have agreed with her. She may be misrepresenting their viewpoints.

That's so shocking of them! Surely even if your scar was on show it wasn't much on show? They need to realise that looking at part of a scar is a damn sight fucking easier than going through what you've went through.

How difficult for them to have to catch the odd glimpse of something they don't want to see when you've been lucky enough to only go through cancer. And a mastectomy. And on top of that having5o deal with shit friends.

Keep the friends. 30 years is a long time. They are your DH's friends as well.
Talk it through and see if you can understand each other.

I think your friends were thoughtless and cruel and if they had a problem with your scar, then that is their problem, not yours!
I too have a scar, right across my throat - it isn't very attractive, but I'm not sure how I would go about hiding it - except to wear a very tight scarf continually. I don't do that. No-one has ever passed comment - its RUDE!

While none of what the friend said was OK, but the bit I'd find hard to get past is: "We don't want to be looking at that while we're eating." Hard to see how that can be construed as somehow them being upset about the OP's past struggles as has been suggested up thread. It was all about them and reduced her body to the level of a eyesore.

How did they not notice you'd been crying?
Really crass behaviour from them.

Ellla

30 years is a long time, but at least one of those' friends' isnt really your friend.. (sorry).. Have you called out your DH on his piss taking? ?
( I'd be fuming with him also ...)

I'm angry on your behalf... you're not being touchy, daft or overly sensitive.

I have two scars from heart surgery on my chest. One I had for 11 years and as i grew it stretched, so in the end people told me it looked like a giant slug had been sat on my chest... now I've had repeated surgeries, and the scar has been "revised" so it's now thinner, but now longer and bright red/pink despite it being 3.5 years since it was last opened. The other was from one of the three surgeries I had in 18months. It's red, keloid and itchy as fuck... it also sticks up and isn't coverable by anything as i also had big boobs..

I asked for the second one to be visible. They're who I am. They're my story, I wouldn't be hete without them.

But most importantly to this post, my friends and my family know this. I understand if the first time they see them it takes them by surprise. But after that, nope, I aint wearing something to make them feel better. I couldn't have stayed and played dumb to that, I'd have brought it up, or told them I was leaving to ENJOY a meal with my husband, who wont make me feel like I have to be embarrassed and self concious about something which saved my life.

Congrats on your all clear OP. Sorry you had this experience.

Yes your Dh is also being a twit unfortunately. But I'm sure he means well.

Can you show dh this thread and have a talk? Would that help?

If this "friend" had offered the top because you had been continually fiddling with your top then fine, a thoughtful thing to do.

By using the word flaunt, and that comment about not seeing it whilst eating - nope not thoughtful, a bitch.

It doesn't matter that you have known them 30 years, sometimes it takes a particular situation for someone to show their true colours and she just did.

Fuck all the amateur psycho-analysis about their pain vs yours, people use that shit to justify some downright cruel actions and this is one time.

Make some more friends that are worthy of you and tell this lot why, then you'll find out whether it was one or all of them.

I am so angry on your behalf, I'd love five minutes with her to cut her down to size.