To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

If they make you feel crap, tgey are not the friends you thought, friends accept you warts and all, that scar is the result of the incredibly hard and difficult journey you have been and survived. For me it woukd not have cared less.

I'd be offended as well, so it's not just you being unreasonable. I too have cancer scars. One is on my neck and can't be covered up. Nobody has ever expressed revulsion. I have several others. They are a part of me and I expect people to accept me as I am.

Might it be as Birds suggested? Was your cancer a difficult time for them? Did they live through it with you, so they might not want to be reminded? Or are they putting their petty squeamishness ahead of allowing you to wear something you love, that makes you feel good?

I'd also want to be sure it wasn't just the one friend who was odd? Could your husband try to find out what was said, or could you ask one of the others?

Anyway, whatever you do, I'm sorry your meal was spoiled. Hopefully you can do something with your DH to make up for it.

I would message the woman who approached you and reiterate the fact that you were not remotely uncomfortable about your scars being on show, and ask what her issue with it was, seeing as she continued her 'suggestion' despite being reassured by yourself that there was no discomfort on your part? And then take it from there. She will need to voice an opinion other than looking out for you, because you've already ruled that out, and then you can show your dh and decide from there.

Fenella since she said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. ' I doubt that's the case.

OP that's awful. It's easy to say ditch them but if they are your main group of friends that's hard. I would certainly say something and give them a chance to apologise - you can then decide whether to forgive or not.

Christ on a bike op, what a bitch (her, not you obv) My dh had a brain tumour, he has a scar right over the top of his head from ear to ear. And he's bald as a coot. What should he do? Wear a hat at all times?

Honestly, this makes me properly angry. Was it just her? Did the other people in the group say anything or said anything since?

I think there's something very different about one friend sharing that she's feeling uncomfortable, vs them all having talked about it together, in terms of how you then feel as part of that group. They've behaved badly. Likely not out of nastiness if they are good friends and usually more considerate, but perhaps because they didn't know how to raise it. Doesn't excuse them though, or make you feel any better. :(

DH has started taking the piss out of me now to try and jolly me out of my funk.

Thats even more shocking .... he should be backing you up.. if you were upset , its for a very good reason .. and he should acknowledge that

Very shallow! I would ask the opinion of the other members of the party. I can't believe that they were all offended or uncomfortable. Good friends would not have even noticed it. Next time you go out get one of those fake scars to put on your cheek. See whether that offends them.
I have a thyroidectomy scar which has faded but I have never covered it up because I hate things around my neck. Nobody has ever offered me a scarf to cover it up.

How can the op have taken We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella any other way than to be floored with hurt and maybe shame.

After everything you've been through and they have chosen to put their own feelings above yours. Disgraceful behaviour. Personally I wouldn't want to know them.

I'm so sorry about what you've been through, My initial reaction was the same, of how awful is she, dump her. However on reflection is it a scar where your breast was? I don't know how to put that more politely. If it is that may make people feel uncomfortable, just as uncomfortable if it was your breast, and for some it would be a reminder of the pain you've been through,

She's you're closest friend and you've known her decades, this snd uour husbands opinion must count for something here. 💐

A good friend would have stopped after the op declined the use of the vest top.

Sorry I feel this is just a case of some people not knowing what a real problem is and being unbelievable rude and insensitive. Op deserves a heart felt apology. There she was feeling strong and healthy and sexy in her new top surrounded by friends she loves and your woman drops that on her.

Does your friend have form for being very blunt Op? If so I would be more likely to forgive her.

I'd be hurt too. If you're brave enough, ring your closest friend and tell her how hurt you are and maybe ask her to explain.

I honestly can't believe friends would behave like that to you.

Congratulations on the all clear and Wear what the heck you want.

Jings!

I'll never forget when my friend told me she had been approached in the swimming pool by a woman who asked if my friends DS (aged 4) could keep her artificial leg on during swimming lessons because her daughter was freaked out. I do not know how she didn't throw that woman into the pool!

Might make you uncomfortable to look at, what a lovely perfect world to live in where everyone is "flawless" barbie replicas and nothing bad happens.

I suspect it's a reminder of the fragility of life. But tough shit.

They are battle scars and people should just be flaming greatful they don't look at them in the mirror.

Very childish.

I think your 'friend' was incredibly unkind.

I agree Birds is giving her too much credit. As a child you might be upset by your dad, but that's a child, not an adult.

I've had lot of surgery and there are a couple of people (whom I'd thought of as friends) who've looked appalled in the swimming pool changing room and I found it very very hurtful.

It's selfish and cruel and your 'friend' needs to be told how upsetting that kind of behaviour is. Your illness is not about her. It's you that went through it, not her, however kind she was at the time. It sounds as if she wants to pretend you aren't actually scarred.

I would message her again and innocently ask of she had a problem with your scars so you caake sure you're aware and considerate around her in future. Mention that you're sure it's not a popular opinion but you know it can squick some people out more than others.

"Obviously when I look at my scars I see an amazing 5 years since and the final discharge and I can feel nothing but pride at my battle scars. I know you were trying to help me but I really got the impression that it was bothering you personally and I wanted to give you the opportunity to talk about it."

And then if she comes back ans says how it was mentioned at the table when you were at the bra that everyone was talking about it then you know what to do. If she explains that she finds the scars disgusting you can thank her for showing you what a conceited bitch she is. I'd like to give her a little bit of room to show how nasty she is. You can respond appropriately once she reveals!!!

That is appalling.

I'm guessing they (although I'm wondering whether they ALL felt you needed cornering in the toilets?) can't deal with your scar because of where it's situated and what it signifies. Because I can't imagine many people behaving so horribly over a surgical scar on a limb, etc.

Their problem, not yours.

I'm not surprised you're re-evaluating the friendship. Supportive friends don't shame someone for "flaunting" a reminder of their cancer at a dinner table. Jeez, who does that?

When you were at the bar not bra haha. What a freudian slip! Also I meant "can make" not caake...

you have been friends for 30 years so I assuming this is out of character for your friend? I would get in contact and explain how upset it made you see if there was something else going on which while still unfair on you op may help things make sense of what happend then it's up to you if you want to forgive them or not

I don't think it might be the scar per se, but the location. They may feel uncomfortable that part of your chest is bare or simply being reminded that "she's missing a boob", which we're all constantly being told is an important part of our femininity. I am not so generous as others to think that this is related to them being worried about you or thinking back to a scary time, and more about them being prudish and pearl clutchy and thinking this is "not how a woman should behave".

Now i might be uncomfortable too, but would I say anything to you? No! It would be my problem, not yours. The way she dealt with it was absolutely disgusting. Fair enough offering the top (although who the Jeff has a clean top in their gym kit on a night out?). Whilst of course it's hard to tell what her tone was like, from what you've written OP it doesn't sound like this was a kind word in your ear. They're angry words, like you've been shoving it in their faces or something. Mates don't get on like that, and they certainly don't allude to whispered conversations about how you're upsetting everyone by not covering up and daring to want to have some degree of choice in your clothing. There were so many other ways they could have dealt with this rather than sneer at you like that.

I'm sorry, all that might make you feel worse. But you're not the problem here and your husband needs to wise up and support you in this. I think he needs to believe you when you tell him what was said and how it was said.

Wow - nice 'friends'. My friends would never,never,never say anything like that (or even think like that) I cannot understand it. Even if I didn't have a scar to feel self conscious about and my boob was peeping out of a low cut top the most anyone would say would be a jokey "cover yourself up you hussy" kind of thing.
Can't understand how anyone could be so insensitive. They shouldve swallowed their own feelings out of respect and compassion for you.
It doesn't sound like your friend even tried to word it kindly.

If someone said that to me, I'd tell them to FOTTFSOF. When FIL told me to cover up my large surgical scars on my arm 'because it made him feel queasy' I lost all remaining respect for him. And cried at home because I thought I was doing so well with my new body image.

So what if it 'stirred up uncomfortable memories' for them. The OP is the one that had cancer, lost a breast etc, and is the ONLY one to decide if she shows her scars or not, and since she lives with that every moment of every day, only her feelings on the subject matter.

What a damn shame op. It's entirely your decision if you want to stay friends but no one would blame you if you ended the friendship now after insensitive and ignorant behaviour like that. It's really no different from asking an amputee to pretend that their limbs aren't missing. I hope you're ok

I have a scar on my tummy from a laparotomy.

Day to day it's obviously covered.

However I have no issue with wearing a bikini on holiday. I have been asked why I don't wear a swimsuit in the past

It's my body, my scar and I'd be dead if it wasn't there.

I don't give a shiny shit if it makes people uncomfortable. It says far more about them than me.

What are people with facial scars meant to do? Would your "friends" expect them to wear a balaclava in their company?

I wouldn't be upset if I was you - I'd be bloody angry.

I think their behaviour was appalling and I'd tell them so. If that meant I lost their friendship then quite frankly I'd be happy to live with that.