To ditch lifelong friends, or am i being 'touchy'? Long, sorry!

[ElllaKeat]

This story has been festering with me for a couple of days now, so sorry for the long tale, but need proper feedback.

Backstory is i have a prominent and ugly mastectomy scar. Usually it is covered, but to be honest it does not bother ne if it is revealed, i dont flaunt it, but do not feel embarrassed if it is visible. It is just part of me and after 2 seperate mastectomies, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and delayed reconstructions, i am just happy to be healthy and still alive!

Me and DH have 6 lifelong friends - three married coupes. We have known them all for over thirty years and our social lives mainly involve them. We meet up roughly once a month, for everyones birthday, at Christmas etc. We have always gotten on well, had the usual niggles with each other, but as a crowd, we have all been accepting of each others quirks.

On Friday it was my birthday. We all got together for a meal on Friday night and i wore a new top that i loved. Slightly lower cut than normal, it still covered my scar.......until it kept slipping down had a bloody life of its own. If and when i noticed, i hitched my top up again and thought nothing more of it. DH and i went to the bar whilst waiting for the starters to be served to organise some bubbly and when we came back the atmosphere had changed, i knew something was not right. Things just felt a bit off.

Chatting was fine, on the surface, everything seemed okay, but i just had a feeling that something was wrong.

Anyway, after main course, i nipped to the loo and the woman i would consider my closest friend followed me in. She offered me a clean vest top she had in her gym bag in her car, to wear under my top because she said she could see i was uncomfortable during dinner.

I thought she was being thoughtful and said no, i was fine, it really didnt bother me. She then said 'well it may not bother you, but it bothers us. We dont really want to be looking at that whilst eating - not like you to flaunt it in our faces Ella. You really should think of covering it up. You know we love you, just want everyone, including you to feel comfortable '

I went back into the cubicle and bawled my eyes out, i felt so crap.

Went back to the restaurant but could not make eye contact with anyone and made an excuse to leave as soon as the meal was over.

DH kept asking if i was okay and when i told him he thinks i took it the wrong way and it was concern for me that prompted the loo talk. But it wasnt, i know that. He says if he thought for one minute our friends were that shallow he would firstly tell them what shits they were then never speak to them again, but he cant believe there was any malice in it. But there was. WHY would anyone, let alone a 'friend' tell me to cover up my battle scars?

Or have i really got it wrong?

I fluctuate between being embarrassed, angry and hurt and have lost the plot as to which is the appropriate emotion.

Help me sort this out please.

Another one agreeing.

A very close friend's child is going through some awful treatment which means they are currently quite disfigured (deliberately short in detail) and it hurts me to my bones and heart every time I look at them.

I absolutely keep this to myself. I generally have a cry on the way home after I see them. I will do everything in my power to make sure they never, never know about this or see it.

And - appearances matter fuck all. What actually matters is that the child is getting treatment and is getting better.

The same to you op

Thank you all again!

Top is from sale rail in Topshop btw.

Nothing much to report, nice friend clarified a few points today.

So called 'best' friend is peed off because her husband and nice friend are appalled by what happened and her husband has had a go at her about it apparantly.
Nice friend and his wife are ok. He was angry with her because she knew what was going on on the night and encouraged best friend to have a word. He says she feels crap about it, that she just agreed with others without thinking and she felt awful about it now.
The telling thing for me though is that she has not been in touch, not even an email.

Third husband says he has no idea what was going on, could not begin to describe what i was wearing but that he has no intention of taking sides and that his wife had said she thought i was over reacting to what had been a piece of well meant advice and that if i felt that strongly about it i did not need to bother meeting up in future.

So, it seems that it is two women that i have the main problem with.

DH has told nice friend that he will meet up with him for a pint in a couple of weeks time, but we have agreed not to waste any more time or effort on the others. I apparantly have some flowers en route from nice friends wife although i suspect they are from nice friend really but i really feel i need to have some time away from them all for now. I wont be responding at all to any further messages.

Thank you, for the last time, for the wonderfully supportive messages. My boob does look better on the pic than it does in real life, but it is not the horror show i probably made it out to be in opening post 😆

@Derxa - pitchforks at the ready
Solis love your letter, wish i had seen it before taking my vow of silence!

Thank you all, MN at its very best on this thread - you have no idea how low i felt when i made my first post and how strong i feel now, due in no small part to YOU

!

So glad you are feeling stronger now.

(It seems to me that at least two of the women were in cahoots about it.)

I think you are going about things the right way. Take it cautiously with the nice friend's wife. Wishing you well!

Ella what utter vile individuals, your best off away from the 3 of them, they are dragging you down, not even an apology from any of them, tells you all you need to know. It wasent well intentioned advice, it was bloody insults, so patronising. I am glad yiur dh and nice dh are going to be friends, he sounds lovely. The rest, a bunch of witches around a Coven. The nasty insults that came after that, what was the excuse for them. Sorry you wasted 30 years on this lot! Oh well onwards and upwards Ella.

That top is fabulous, wish I coukd fit into Topshop😢😢.

hi again ella

im so sorry it ended like that others dont sound any bettr really-like u said where are emails messages sayiing how sorry they are if thats true

mn can be a lot of things b ut its threads like these that make me think what a great bunch of people there are-just beyond the screen

Third H and his wife sound like a nasty couple as well. As far as they are concerned you over reacted and get stuffed in future.

At least you know who your real friends are.

They are worth so much more than the others.

Given nice friend's wife actually feels bad about it now, and she has a decent DH who has stuck up for you, I'd consider giving her a chance again in the future. On the evening it sounds like it was driven by 'best' friend and the bitch from set 3 is no better given her attitude now. Nice friend's wife sounds like she got a bit swept up in it and now realises it was a mistake, unlike the other 2 who really don't get it.

I agree with HarryPottersMagicWand.

Very glad the OP is feeling better about it all.

Hi Ella, I've been a long-time loiterer here but first time posting. I've just come back from a screening of the documentary film 'Embrace' and wanted to post because as I watched it, I kept thinking of you and those loathsome, cunty 'friends' of yours...

Firstly, a massive congratulations on kissing your Oncologist goodbye after 5 years. I can't begin to imagine the relief you felt! Secondly, a belated happy birthday!

As hard as it is to go through and survive a life-changing illness (mild understatement alert) there is one really useful part to the whole experience. They're a FANTASTIC shithead filter! As hard as it is to stomach and feel all the emotions you've had since Friday, that scar of yours has done you another massive extra favour. It's shown you who actually deserves to be part of your life - from now on.

Granted, sometimes friends can struggle with what to say or how to act around people who are/have been ill but cunty friend has shown herself to be a Grade A Bitchface - even more so with her subsequent email. She doesn't deserve your friendship or your energy.

Our scars are the signs of the battles we have fought hard and won. It takes time for us to get used to them but as we are learning how to LIVE with them, we should be surrounded by loving and supportive people, just like your DH. If it wasn't for my heart surgery, I wouldn't be here to watch my daughter grow up. I was recently asked to come in by her Year 3 teachers and do a little talk about hearts and how they work. At the end, their hands shot up to ask questions. What did they all want to know?

"Can we see your scar?!"

So, if a bunch of seven and eight year olds know how amazing a scar is, I think we can safely say that cunty friend can FTFO!

Ella
Glad you are feeling a bit stronger now. Glad we all helped just a little bit.

Do what works for you, take your time and decide if you can face that last 'friend' again, on your terms not hers.

Be loud and proud, grab life by the throat and do it your way, you dont have to take any shit from anyone, for fecks sake you are a Grade A survivor, you fought the bastard cancer and won. You are amazing, every particle of you.

YANBU.

The longevity of a friendship is no reason to hang on to it.

The fact is, these people are no longer in your corner and if they aren't then there is no reason to continue a friendship.

Our closest friends should be in our corner.

I would definitely be upset! Especially since they know what you've been through. It would be different if she thought you were uncomfortable then offered you a top and then when you declined she left it there. That would have been fine but the fact that she said they shouldn't have to look at your scars etc. is horrible!

I'm absolutely astonished by your so called friend's remarks. Even if you had a hideous messy scar, which you don't, so what? It's thanks to that battle scar you're still here to tell the tale and not something to be ashamed of. As it is, it's a really tidy job and I'm amazed anyone really noticed, except if they did to marvel at your surgeon's neat handiwork! Yes, it's a slightly different colour - do people usually freak out when they see people with tan lines on display? Your frenemy's email just added insult to injury. Ditch the bitch and anyone who takes her side, she is really no friend of yours.

The two women sound like bona fide shit stirrers. Wanting to bring you down a notch, no true friend would do this, and doubly so on your big celebration.

Hope it all settles down with those friends you may or may not wish to keep as friends.

Agreed the email was a manipulative effort to save face by victim-blaming. "Oversensitive" is a word loved by people who are acting nasty and don't want to be called out on that.

All the best to you and your DH Ellla

It looks like a fucking tan line! Not that it should matter a shite if it didn't.

Your friends are cunts.

I hope that is helpful in some way! 😆

And she did this on YOUR birthday celebration! Grr, am raging at the cunt.

Glad you have felt supported by Mumsnet, Ella. What you told us about the behaviour of these women, made everyone feel total outrage. Onwards and upwards.
xx

Just saw the pictures and think your friends totally over reacted. The skin tones are different colours but by no means offensive. It's more like my Dd when she fake tans and misses a bit.

It's a shame they will not take responsibility for upsetting your birthday! I also think they were jealous of how good you looked.

Be yourself and always be proud of who you are!

I don't think I've ever been so disgusted when reading AIBU, I'm disgusted in the way your "friends" of 30 years have treated you.
at an age when they've had friendships exist for 30 years, SURELY they can see past a bit of scar tissue? I've skipped through the thread. Fuck it, fuck them!

The way they've deal with it since, has honestly been just as bad... possibly worse! Emotional blackmail? The cancer victim card?
Have they ever been this vile to anyone else in your presence?

Sorry but I think your "friend" was a thoughtless bitch! If she was so fond of you that seeing the scar revived fears of losing you then that very fondness would prevent her from ever saying anything so disgusting no matter how squeamish she or the others may be.

They should have just gotten on with their meal and averted their eyes for god's sake. As someone else said, if it was a facial scar would they expect you to put a mask on??

It beggars belief and I think your dh should stand square with you on this one. Unless you get a grovelling apology for being an arse (or arses if this was a joint thing) I would be finding some new more supportive and kind mature people for friends.

Have read the thread, and am disgusted with your 'friends' as well. I would have thought from the photo that you had a difference in skin pigmentation, I wouldn't have assumed it was a reconstruction. Congratulations on your 5 years cancer free, and your birthday. Your scars are part of you, and mean you are still here.

Lucky escape from that clique of cunts op!
Maybe you should have head butted her and used the cancer card?

Onwards and upwards

Ella, if nice friend's wife is the kind of avoidant person who can't stand up to two bullies, then it may be she hasn't contacted you because she's in an agony of torment that you might be angry and she can't face the potential conflict. I don't think it excuses her initial tolerance of nastiness at all, and I'm not sure I could ever respect her, but I can see how she's passively got herself into a horrible place. Tough.

I think you're right to take a break from them. It seems pretty clear to me that 'best' friend is really really not your friend at all. Her behaviour and 'apology' reminds me of vicious petty bullying at high school.

Like everyone else on this thread, I really can't see what the big deal is about your scar at all. My mums reconstruction looks similar and I was very impressed with the surgeons work. I truly hope you can move in from this feeling stronger and deservedly proud of everything you've managed to get through. It's clear from the thread that MOST people do not think like those women.

There's only light ahead of you now. x

"Nice" friend isn't nice, or your friend. It's still all about me, me, me (her). She CHOSE to go along with the initial nastiness, and to send the vile email.

It's too little, too late, don't let the door kick you on the way out.