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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be that bothered by my friends baby?

119 replies

CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 19:53

We are a group of friends from school (mid 20s) and over the last few years with life and responsibilities we don't see each other as much as we once did.

Friend had a baby about 5 months ago and of course I'm very happy for her.

In a group whatsapp she keeps wanting to arrange meet ups because she wants her baby to be part of our group, grow up with us etc.

I'm just not that bothered. I'm happy to see the baby, give presents at Christmas and birthdays but I don't feel like meeting up with a group of friends for their children.

Am I missing something? Am I a bitch?

OP posts:
FrankAndBeans · 15/01/2017 19:55

You're obviously in a different life stage to her. You don't have to know her kids but expect the friendship to fade if you don't want to embrace friendship changes.

CubanHeels · 15/01/2017 19:57

Do any of the rest of your group have children? It sounds as if she may have had a baby before her peer group, feels isolated and panicky, and is desperate to maintain links with friends who are clearly important to her.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 15/01/2017 19:58

I take it you don't have children OP?

When you have a child it's not like getting a puppy, it's hard to leave babies behind, they are an extension of you and a good friend would be interested in getting to know them or being involved in their lives beyond a Christmas present.

I found after having DD I lost friends who seemed to see my DD as a hindrance because I couldn't go out on the piss, or listen to their problems as easily. They were not real friends in the least.

How about being a good mate and indulging her request, not making it all about you? At the risk of sounding patronising: If you ever have your own you'll get it.

pipsqueak25 · 15/01/2017 19:58

not a bitch, no imo. is it her first child ? do others in the group have young children ? she is still in the honeymoon period with lo and everything is so amazing to her but let's be honest not always that thrilling to outsiders.
she will find she'll need her adult, friends but babies can't always be part of the group, esp on nights out.Grin grow up with us ?? so you are all going to play group and then onto school with them too ? Smile

CubanHeels · 15/01/2017 20:00

It's not about the baby - it's about her wanting to remain friends despite a huge change that's taken place in her life. Up to you, obviously, whether you are hospitable to that, but there are also lots of people on here complaining about how their old friends apparently no longer want to know them after a baby, but are all about new 'mummy friends'. Your friend is sending different signals.

SharkBastard · 15/01/2017 20:00

Not a bitch...I'm a mum, having another child in April and I don't give a hoot about friends babies.

I always go to meet ups alone, I don't drag my DD along cause it's boring for her and for others.

I'm abnormal though apparently but then I'm just not keen on others children, like my own though Grin

pipsqueak25 · 15/01/2017 20:01

meant to say, you will get conflicting views about this, and you will see things differently when / if you have kids but be prepared for the dynamics to change or the friendships to fade out for some of you.

Blankiefan · 15/01/2017 20:02

I didn't engage with my best friend's baby. She has been gracious enough to forget my absolute lack of regard for this enormous milestone in her life some 7 years later when I had my baby.

She has been a pillar of support despite my giving her new motherhood little acknowledgement. She's been gracious about the whole thing. I feel terrible.

I don't know if there's any way I could have supported her without understanding what she was going through. I didn't even try tho.

I don't think you need to bond enormously with her baby BUT your friend is going through a huge life experience - might be a great thing, might be a horrible time (mine was horrible). You either want to support your friend or not - that's what's important. If you don't, bear in mind that if you have kids in the future; you might not be as lucky as I was.

ProudBadMum · 15/01/2017 20:03

Kids are boring. You tolerate your own but other people's are just blah.

YANBU

And I have kids

AthenasOwl · 15/01/2017 20:04

I totally get it. I have kids but I'm not overly bothered about other people's children. Just one of those things.

Floggingmolly · 15/01/2017 20:05

She's probably feeling a bit lonely and left behind. But wanting the baby to be part of the group is a little OTT...

IveAlreadyPaid · 15/01/2017 20:06

I had kids first by many years in my friendship group. I was expected to still be able to make it to boozy evening meals. Now the rest of them have young kids and meet ups are always kid centered. I'm at the stage now where I really could appreciate a boozy evening meal Grin

Strongmummy · 15/01/2017 20:07

It's odd that she wants the baby to part of the friendship group and grow up with you in my opinion. However, you're at different stages of your life and if you want to stay friends with her you'll have to accept that you'll need to accommodate the fact that she won't be able to go out so easily. This may mean meeting up with baby in tow.

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:08

I found after having DD I lost friends who seemed to see my DD as a hindrance because I couldn't go out on the piss, or listen to their problems as easily. They were not real friends in the least.

Yeah because all childless people go out "on the piss" and want to talk about themselves 24/7.

Tbf I rang said friend last night to get her advice on what colour I should paint my nails before going out and getting wasted and to tell her all about my week. Selfish woman was busy feeding her child to listen to me.

I also wanted her to come out that night but she couldn't find a sitter, I suggested the name of the local dog kennels for her and she seemed offended. Sensitive much?

Definitely time to drop that friendship.

OP posts:
teaandbiscuits18 · 15/01/2017 20:09

Maybe she is lonely being on mat leave and as her friend she is reaching out. Her whole world now revolves around her baby. They may be boring to you but they are not to her. You lose a lot of friends after having a baby. Perhaps you're not the friend she thought you were.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/01/2017 20:12

YABU. So because she now has a baby, you cba with her as a friend, that's how I read it. You hear about this so often. Do her a favour and ditch her so she can find herself some real friends who will value her for her, not people who can't be bithered with her because her life has changed.

lemondropcake · 15/01/2017 20:12

Now I get this...
I have a six year old and I don't take her to meet with friends because I enjoy socialising just friends and doing grown up stuff.
at one point in my life when she was a baby I took her to toddler groups, coffee shops, soft play with like minded mums.
now she is older I'm past all that.
I had a friend who wanted to meet up but rejected bars and restaurants unless she could take her one year old. She wanted to do child friendly stuff all the time. I just couldn't take to the set up and the friendship faded out.

I enjoy child friendly stuff with my child and as a family but I try to keep my friends seperate because I enjoy just being around adults once in a while.

Yanbu

MargaretCavendish · 15/01/2017 20:14

On the one hand, I totally know what you mean about not being interested in the baby as such. I think I'd have felt the same at 25ish; I certainly know that my reaction to a friend saying they were pregnant would have been sympathy rather than congratulations! But don't you still want to see her? That's probably going to mean seeing the baby by default, especially while it's so little. Are you really saying you'd rather not see her at all than meet up for a coffee when she has the baby in tow?

Showgirl109 · 15/01/2017 20:14

I'm going to go against the grain and say YABU. It's a baby not a dog, she is probably trying in a light hearted way to stay involved. I'm mid 20s and most of my friends now couldn't give a shit now I've had a baby. Makes me really sad when I think about it. So don't give a fuck about her or her baby, but don't expect your relationship to continue or any help or support from her when you need it.

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:16

YABU. So because she now has a baby, you cba with her as a friend, that's how I read it. You hear about this so often. Do her a favour and ditch her so she can find herself some real friends who will value her for her, not people who can't be bithered with her because her life has change

Well you've read it wrong then. I'm happy to go out for coffee/lunch whatever with the group and children, partners etc

I just don't understand the wanting her son to grow up with us and be such a huge part of our lives.

I would post the texts to give more context but that would be very identifying.

OP posts:
PleaseNotTrump · 15/01/2017 20:18

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mistermagpie · 15/01/2017 20:19

I've got a baby and another on the way and still don't particularly relish the thought of hanging out with my friends babies. I only really like my own child! It doesn't make you a bad person. It sounds like you are at different stages, but she clearly want her baby to be important to you and your group, so if you love her then I think you should try to get on board. There is a bit of a honeymoon period with babies where you don't want to leave them ever but that passes. At five months post birth I would have been the same, but now 18 months later I would love a child-free night out. Give her some time and cut her some slack, one day it might be you with the baby so think how you would like to be treated and do that.

formerbabe · 15/01/2017 20:20

Yabvu. It's really hard to be the first in your friendship group to have a baby... particularly when everyone else is at a different stage in their life. Be a little kinder and coo over her baby, even if you're not bothered!

CactusFred · 15/01/2017 20:20

I'm struggling to find a reason she would want to keep you in her life or have you around her son. You're a real keeper.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 15/01/2017 20:22

Defensive much op?

Had she actually said "I want my son to be a huge part of your lives"? It's hard being the first to have a baby in the friendship group and TBH it does sound like you're not interested now she has a child.