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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be that bothered by my friends baby?

119 replies

CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 19:53

We are a group of friends from school (mid 20s) and over the last few years with life and responsibilities we don't see each other as much as we once did.

Friend had a baby about 5 months ago and of course I'm very happy for her.

In a group whatsapp she keeps wanting to arrange meet ups because she wants her baby to be part of our group, grow up with us etc.

I'm just not that bothered. I'm happy to see the baby, give presents at Christmas and birthdays but I don't feel like meeting up with a group of friends for their children.

Am I missing something? Am I a bitch?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 15/01/2017 20:49

The first 6 months in particular you can still be quite hormonal after giving birth. This baby is the most important thing in the world to her and she probably really wants to share her favourite thing in the whole world with her friends.

But then she can't take herself out of that and see that her baby to others is a baby. They do gross things, not as cute to most people as the family seem them, they draw focus etc and they're not that entertaining.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Maybe do the meet but try to arrange it like you are all going out out after or set a second evening date where her lo is not present.

Alternatively wait it out and she might not be that fussed after it turns 1.

It's like wanting your friends to meet your new partner x 1000.

LanaorAna1 · 15/01/2017 20:49

I'm surprised - not that often, thankfully - by people like your friend who think because they find a newborn interesting, so should you. It's a weird sort of entitlement, especially if it's their child.

Unattractive, egoist, and a bit dull, inevitably comes from people who wail 'Now we've had the children no one invites us out'. You don't say. Grin

golfbuggy · 15/01/2017 20:50

I had a group of friends before my had my first baby. I am still (mostly) friends with the same group and my "baby" is 12. I think that most of the group have maybe only seen him 2 or 3 times in those 12 years. My friends and I talk about our children when we meet up, in the same way we talk about many other subjects of conversation. I don't think any of us would consider our children to be a major part of each other lives - it's perfectly possible to maintain an adult friendship without it including your children.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 15/01/2017 20:50

Is she mistaking your polite interest for real interest, and thinks you want to be involved. She may even be thinking of you as ' poor childless Catch (assuming you don't have children), and thinks she is doing a wonderful favour.

pipsqueak25 · 15/01/2017 20:51

catch i'd give up the thread if i was you tbh, do what is best for you, some people on here are reading different things to what you are saying and some are putting words in your mouth.
be the friend you want to be, show the interest that you want to show and no more. other peoples thoughts are their own.

MoreBushThanMoss · 15/01/2017 20:52

Oh my god... Emma is that you?!

Because I could have written the other side of this post. My BF has taken the same approach as you to my 4 mo DS. I am the same age as you, the exact same situation.

I want to take DS everywhere and for him to be part of my circle of friends, because those friends are as (if not more important) to me than my family.

Maybe you should read this as her high regard for you, that she thinks you're important enough to be such a huge part of her sons life? And - even if you have to fake it til you make it- treat her with the gentleness and kindness that her trust and respect warrants?

Otherwise I don't think your friendship will survive, sadly

pipsqueak25 · 15/01/2017 20:53

lana bang on the money [high five]

HerBluebiro · 15/01/2017 20:54

Noone has said you should burn in hell except you.

There have been some forthright suggestions that you are selfish. But so far you haven't explained what is so abnormal here. You plan to buy presents. You plan to see the child at child friendly and non child friendly venues. This is a long term friend talking to a lot of you who have children (perhaps she wants the child to grow up with the other children.... makes more sense perhaps).

So what is the level of input this woman wants from you that you are uncomfortable giving?

ClashCityRocker · 15/01/2017 20:54

I must admit, I enjoy meeting up with friends more without kids (none myself, all bar one of my friends have). It's hard work to have a decent conversation about anything in the presence of a four year old. To be fair, I think most of my friends with kids enjoy meeting without them more too.

But, they're my friends for a reason, and I like being a little bit in touch with what's one of the biggest parts of their life so go along and enjoy seeing the kids when they're present.

I think if couldn't see them without kids, sometimes, I'd see them less. Not because I don't like the kids, but because the quality of time changes - chat tends to be more trivial or child orientated and you can't really reminisce about the time your friend had ten shots of tequila and mooned a coachful of rugby fans or discuss how much of a wanker her DH is for staying out til 3am and going to a strip club in front of a bunch of five year olds.

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:55

some people on here are reading different things to what you are saying and some are putting words in your mouth

Yes you're right.

I just wanted an adult discussion but when it descends into name calling and insults then I'm not interested.

OP posts:
Pestopinenuts · 15/01/2017 20:56

I think you are just in a different stage of your life. My friends had babies ages ago and I wasnt bothered to be honest.
Now I am pregnant and I have younger friends and I dont expect them to be all over me or baby. I love them and I understand they are in a different place.
I will try to make some mum friends in the area and meet my other friends when I can.
I think true friendship comes when you are free to do what you want and I bet if your friend needed ypur support you will be there for her.

But she is the one having baby, you dont have to be all over that.

And I will find it annoying if someone insisted to bring the baby to everything, so I wont do the same.

Not everyone lokes children, it is not a crime

MadMags · 15/01/2017 20:56

People are making assumptions, I think.

Does she want her baby treated differently to the other's?

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 15/01/2017 20:59

I'm a bit confused, so just for clarification;

If you're good with checking in with her and fine with her bringing her baby places, what exactly do you mean by, "being a part of the baby's life"? Is she asking you all to sensory classes with her?

LandLock · 15/01/2017 21:01

YANBU. Carry on as you are doing. I was never interested in friends little kids. I'd say the right things and offer support if needed but I didn't want to hang out with them particularly. It sounds like you are the same.

I probably wouldn't have asked on AIBU though. 😂

goldielookingchain · 15/01/2017 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HerBluebiro · 15/01/2017 21:01

People make assumptions when there is insufficient info to draw a meaningful conclusion.

And to be fair op you posted on aibu. Not known for measured debate.

I'm still confused as to why op has a problem. All her defensive posts keep saying how she doesn't have a problem.... so what is the problem?

Only1scoop · 15/01/2017 21:02

YANBU
I'd do the pleasantries, birthdays etc, but when I meet up with my friends. It's my friends I want to see, not a load of DC.

QueSera · 15/01/2017 21:03

I think you should bite the bullet and at least pretend to be interested. You may not like babies, but you like your friend surely??? If something is so important to her, can you not try to share it, even a little? I totally know where you're coming from - but I've now been on the other (mum) side .... Just try to think how you'd feel if you had a baby x

Motherfuckers · 15/01/2017 21:04

I have kids Cherry but I don't get it! Care to explain? Or maybe you could just accept that some more interesting people have a life and interests beyond their children.

user1484317265 · 15/01/2017 21:04

When you have a child it's not like getting a puppy, it's hard to leave babies behind, they are an extension of you and a good friend would be interested in getting to know them or being involved in their lives beyond a Christmas present

I don't think this is remotely true. I don't see my children as extensions of myself, they are their own people. I don't see why a good friend to me would have to be interested in my children. Lots of people don't get or like children, if they don't have any, why would they want to hang out with mine?

Its this attitude that drives childfree friends away, having expectations of them that are unrealistic.

clementineorange · 15/01/2017 21:05

OP, is she asking more of the group than the others who have kids?

Only1scoop · 15/01/2017 21:06

Agree....My dd is certainly not an extension of me. I'd hate to think like that.

MyBreadIsEggy · 15/01/2017 21:10

You're in different stages of your lives clearly, which is understandable. I had a group of friends from school, we are early 20's. I'm the first to have got married and had two babies. One member of the group who I thought was my closest friend was very involved in my first pregnancy, I saw her all the time. Then a few weeks after DD was born, the novelty of a tiny cute newborn to coo over wore off and she disappeared. Got the odd text here and there...then as soon as I was pregnant again with my son, she shows up again a repeats the cycle. I've had horrible PND this time around, and at a time I really needed her to hold my hand, she's wrapped up in her new boyfriend Sad The point I'm trying to make, is that even if you don't necessarily want to spend time with her baby, she may well need the emotional support of an old friend that she trusts, just to take the edge off.
Being a new Mum, especially the first time, can be a really lonely, isolating and scary time where you just need your friends to help you feel normal.

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 21:11

Yes you are a bitch. You'll realise one day

Takes one to know one babe 😘

OP posts:
Happyhippy45 · 15/01/2017 21:16

I was the first in my peer group to have kids. They came and visited me and baby probably right up till I had baby number 2. They were also there for me when I wanted desperately needed a night off from being a mum.
They were a bit flaky at times, cancelling last minute for activities involving me and dd.....but they were there as friends.
It wasn't until they had kids of their own that they realised what I had gone through.....and what they had put me through. I was there for them when I was pregnant, young baby etc when they were locked out their house at 3am/fallen out with boyfriend of the moment/didn't have money for a taxi and needing bailed out.
I didn't expect them to understand how my life had changed.
Yes it got a bit annoying that they didn't get it.
They thought my dd was the cutest baby ever born but they weren't over the top wanting to spend time with her. Perfectly understandable.
It would be nice if you could take some time out to spend with your friend so she doesn't feel deserted.