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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be that bothered by my friends baby?

119 replies

CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 19:53

We are a group of friends from school (mid 20s) and over the last few years with life and responsibilities we don't see each other as much as we once did.

Friend had a baby about 5 months ago and of course I'm very happy for her.

In a group whatsapp she keeps wanting to arrange meet ups because she wants her baby to be part of our group, grow up with us etc.

I'm just not that bothered. I'm happy to see the baby, give presents at Christmas and birthdays but I don't feel like meeting up with a group of friends for their children.

Am I missing something? Am I a bitch?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2017 21:21

I want to take DS everywhere and for him to be part of my circle of friends, because those friends are as (if not more important) to me than my family.

I am happy for my friends to bring their babies when we meet up. I'm happy for them to talk about them when we meet up without them. I do not want children as part of our friendship circle. Neither do my friends. You are still a person in your own right. You don't have to be friends with your friends' children to stay friends with them.

judybloomno5 · 15/01/2017 21:23

Perhaps she likes you as a person and wants her DS to have you in his life? I think its lovely she wants you to be involved. Most of my friends who had kids when I was childless were in their own little perfect bubble of loveliness and they couldn't POSSIBLY do anything else but hang out with other mummy friends. Yuk. I would sometimes get invited but found the whole look at my wonderful baby look really quite nauseating (one person in particular). I wasn't that interested in kids either if I'm honest.

Roll on 5 years and I've got 2 of my own. I like to think I'm not as nauseating but I get where she is coming from and I want my kids to have relationships with my friendship groups mainly because my DC's family are ABSOLUTELY USELESS and Id like them to have adult role models other than me and DH. Plus, since I've had my own, Ive found that actually, I do like most people's little ones.

QueSera · 15/01/2017 21:24

Takes one to know one babe

You asked if you are being a bitch, got an answer you didn't like, and then get assy about it - so why did you even ask?? Act as you want, it's your perogative, be proud of yourself - but don't expect your friend to continue to be your friend, YABTU and YABAB

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/01/2017 21:25

Well this has descended into a bit of a mess. Not really any need for name calling, the OP is just giving her opinion. Also no need for your takes one to know one though op. Doesn't make you look clever or mature, rise above the silliness.

judybloomno5 · 15/01/2017 21:29

PS. I'd love for one of my friends to love me enough to want me to be close to their DC like family. Thats such an honour. I'd be a fab pretend god mother.

RockyBird · 15/01/2017 21:32

Kids are like farts, your own are okay.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/01/2017 21:35

Nide to know that most people have said YABU but you are still standing by what you think. Don't know why you asked tbh.

And are you Emma?

SalemSaberhagen · 15/01/2017 21:36

Please tell me you are Emma, catch. I love shit like this

MadMags · 15/01/2017 21:38

Do most people think she is BU? I would have said it was the other way around...

ItsyBitsyBikini · 15/01/2017 21:39

I'm the first out of my group of friends to have a baby. They like seeing my son when we can get together and I'm sure they'll be part of his life so I don't see the issue you have. I have hardly any mummy friends so maybe she's clinging onto your friendship for dear life. If you want an adult only catch up, tell her! She'll probably be glad of it more than you realise I love my son but I love my monthly child free tea night with the girls too

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2017 21:39

Nice to know that most people have said YABU but you are still standing by what you think. Don't know why you asked tbh.

I don't think that's an accurate characterisation of the thread. Plenty of people have understood where the op is coming from, including parents.

pictish · 15/01/2017 21:39

I think some posters are deliberately misunderstanding you.

Yanbu. I'm not bothered about other people's children being a notable part of my life. I certainly don't mind them being there and often meet up with friends and their kids and have a great time...but I'm not motivated to become involved beyond 'mum's friend' level...an occasional benign and positive presence in their lives. Certainly not a 'factor' like your friend seems to want.

I have three kids of my own btw. I had very little interest in children before I had any. She's asking for the moon on a stick.

MissDreanor90 · 15/01/2017 21:40

I'm not a baby person. Just because my friends have children doesn't mean I should or need to be overly interested in them.

As much as some of you mothers think your child is an extension of you, it isn't. He / She is their own person and it's ok for people to not be interested.

I still love / like my friends who've had children and will meet up with them and their children but I do like to meet them without their kids as well. Because I like them.

Saying they're not real friends because they dont want to be around your kid 24/7 or don't want your child to come to every social gathering is ridiculous. And TBH if you think your kids should always be attached to your hip, I bet your friends, even ones with kids of their own - are like thankgod when they or you decide to stop making the effort to meet up.

I've found when I go out with my friends and they bring their child / children with them that 80/90% of the conversation revolves around their child.

Hearing the same topic over and over ... especially when you're already updated on everything via group messages/facebook gets abit boring/tiring.

TinselTwins · 15/01/2017 21:41

I think some posters are deliberately misunderstanding you.

Hard not to.
OP:
"I ask after the child and see it and give it birthday and christmas presents and that's fine"
Also the OP:
"we're not even close and I don't understand why friend thinks I'll be part of child's life"

pictish · 15/01/2017 21:46

I'm not seeing the confusion with those statements. Both ring true?

Aspiringcatlady · 15/01/2017 21:47

I get where you are coming from OP, I had my son as a teenager and now he is growing up and my friends are now having children. We are just in completely different stages of our lives now and although I like meeting up with them I don't necessarily want a screaming baby there too. It doesn't make you a bad friend or person at all. You just have different interests etc.
I have one friend who had a baby last year, never really bothered with us but as soon as she was on maternity leave suddenly wanted to meet up all the time and involve herself and baby in everything despite not being interested in our friendship before. I think she was just bored of being at home all day with baby after being used to working all the time.

Original poster

CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 21:50

Why are you quoting sentences that I didn't say Tinsel?

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/01/2017 21:50

Nide to know that most people have said YABU but you are still standing by what you think.

I wouldn't say that was the case at all!

MrsNuckyThompson · 15/01/2017 21:51

You don't have to give a hoot about the baby but you do have to give a hoot about your friend. Sounds like she is keen to see you and she might be feeling quite isolated. Why not make the effort to meet for a coffee or something? It'll be an hour or two out of your week when you have tons of free time and for her it could be a lifeline.

TinselTwins · 15/01/2017 21:52

I was paraphrasing OP!

If someone was giving my kids gifts, remembering their birthday, seeing them and asking after them etc…. I'ld be counting them as part of their lives too, why wouldn't you?

sleepachu · 15/01/2017 21:53

Where's she said she's got tons of free time?

pictish · 15/01/2017 21:54

So if I buy my friend's kid a birthday present and ask how they are, I am obliged to attend bonding sessions with them? Really?

TinselTwins · 15/01/2017 21:58

So if I buy my friend's kid a birthday present and ask how they are, I am obliged to attend bonding sessions with them? Really?

why would you buy gifts for a kid you want nothing to do with?

I have friend's who's kids I'm not particularly attached to, I don't have their birthdays in my diary but when it pops up on facebook I message friend and say "hope x had a nice birthday, how are you" etc. You are "part of their lives" if you're close enough to give them gifts.

and the OP already sees the child in person

PurpleDaisies · 15/01/2017 22:02

You are "part of their lives" if you're close enough to give them gifts.

I don't agree. If my friend is a close friend I buy their children presents because of that, not because I've got any particular attachment to their child.

Damselindestress · 15/01/2017 22:04

I think some people are being very negative to OP! She's happy to buy the child gifts and visit but just doesn't want to assume the very involved role her friend seems to be expecting, especially since they're not close friends. It's not as if she has cut her friend off for having a child, she's happy to spend time with them. I think her friend is expecting a higher level of involvement and responsibility than you would normally expect from someone unrelated. It makes me wonder if she's not getting enough support at home.

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