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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be that bothered by my friends baby?

119 replies

CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 19:53

We are a group of friends from school (mid 20s) and over the last few years with life and responsibilities we don't see each other as much as we once did.

Friend had a baby about 5 months ago and of course I'm very happy for her.

In a group whatsapp she keeps wanting to arrange meet ups because she wants her baby to be part of our group, grow up with us etc.

I'm just not that bothered. I'm happy to see the baby, give presents at Christmas and birthdays but I don't feel like meeting up with a group of friends for their children.

Am I missing something? Am I a bitch?

OP posts:
HerBluebiro · 15/01/2017 20:23

What is your objection?

You say you are happy to meet up in cold friendly places. but then in danger breath you don't want the child to grow up with you?

I think without the context we aren't going to understand.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 15/01/2017 20:25

It sounds like she feels like she's losing her friends and this is her way of trying to hold on to friendships, via her son - who may not be ofninterest to you, and that's fine, but to her he is the moon and stars and if you want to maintain the friendship you need to respect that

ninenicknames · 15/01/2017 20:25

Do her a favour and ditch her so she can find herself some real friends who will value her for her, not people who can't be bithered with her because her life has changed

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

HerBluebiro · 15/01/2017 20:27

I suspect she is lonely. The first months are so very empty. I'd cling to old friendships too.

Fortunately I had good friends who felt that because something was important to me it was important to them too. They have interests in not interested in. I listen. I engage. I find out more. Because that's what friends who have a long history do. They keep going.

Or they stop. Some friends I ended up with nothing in common with any more. So I stopped seeing them. No big deal. People move on

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:28

Yabvu. It's really hard to be the first in your friendship group to have a baby... particularly when everyone else is at a different stage in their life. Be a little kinder and coo over her baby, even if you're not bothered!*

I never said she was the first and she definitely isn't the first. One of them has a 4 year old. There's 4 children in the group at the moment.

OP posts:
BravoPanda · 15/01/2017 20:30

Within my peer group only a few of us have kids. For those of us that don't (I'm next though as due in May) we have always welcomed their kids during meet-ups, lunches and dinners, even house warming parties. Why? Because it's a kid, just a young person who wants to play clap hands or eat from a boob. No big deal. And because we understand it's hard to find someone to mind them sometimes or hard to want to leave them. We also have nights out where everything is as it was years ago before them and everyone gets drunk and has a ball. If you can't be accepting of your friend's kid in some circumstances then maybe you shouldn't be her friend anymore. Maybe it's because we're all in our 30's now so slightly older and different priorities, but I deffo think YABU.

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:30

Just thought I would put this in capitals -

SHE IS NOT THE FIRST IN THE GROUP TO HAVE A BABY.

OP posts:
BravoPanda · 15/01/2017 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:33

I think people think I want to banish her and keep her child hidden.

I don't mind in the slightest of she brings her child to any meet up. Take thd baby out clubbing if you need to.

I just don't feel like I need to be a huge part of the baby's life. A lot of my friends have children. I've just never had it seemingly forced that they should be a huge part of my life ... like a niece or nephew would be,

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 15/01/2017 20:34

catch you do what is best for you, be friends but i get that you don't always want kids tagging along to everything when you get together.
i've had 6 but other people kids ? no i'm not over interested although i'll show interest because i am but, first and for most it's good to spend adult time together, your friend is still abc not just mum.

Believeitornot · 15/01/2017 20:34

Did she say she wanted the child to be a huge part of your friendship?

Or did she say the child is a huge part of her life? Which it is?

Limitededition7inch · 15/01/2017 20:35

If you were that good a friend you would want to see her, child or no child. You will probably just have to tolerate it if you want to stay friends.

That said, YANBU to not be interested in her child and while I tolerate other people's children, I really dislike the fact that some of my friends can't avoid bringing their child EVERYWHERE. I have DS who is 3 and another on the way and while DS comes with us for most things, he doesn't come to everything for the sake of my sanity. And my friends'.

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:36

Actually after reading your replies OP I suspect maybe you're just a bit of a horror to be honest hmm

What kind of arse can't just pretend to be interested for her friend's sake.

Yes I'm an arse that should burn in hell. But at least I don't go around insulting strangers.

I show a lot of interest. I just don't feel like I need to be so hugely involved. When we rarely saw each other before the baby was here.

OP posts:
sonyaya · 15/01/2017 20:37

YANBU not to be that fussed about the child, but in the interests of the friendship I think you should pretend to be whenever you meet up and the baby is there.

Is she one of these people who thinks that because her life now revolves around her baby, other people's should too?

Adnerb95 · 15/01/2017 20:39

Some people are just not "baby" people - at least not until they have their own!

I wasn't ever that interested. I was still very much interested in my friends and interested in their lives and understood that their new PFB was just that to them. But I admit I wanted to talk to them about other things and struggled with things being - at times - a little too baby-oriented at times.

Of course, once I had my own DC I understood better -although I liked them better once they were past baby/toddler stage-

Some PPs are being a little harsh OP!

Original poster
CatchTheRainbow · 15/01/2017 20:43

in all seriousness - those that have gone ham at me and want to burn me alive, can you honestly say that every single baby a friends of yours has had ... has been a major part of your life?

This goes beyond the normal interest of checking in with friend, seeing how they and the baby is, going over for coffee, offering to babysit. Meeting up for lunch and buying presents for the birth, christening etc

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 15/01/2017 20:44

She's sensing what you think you're not saying to her face, that's why she's seeking reassurance with the comments about wanting you to be part of the child's life. She's over compensating because your attitudes are shining through but you're also sending mixed messages by sometimes faking interest in the child. Please stop doing that, it'll eventually come out in the wash that you don't care for her child, and it'll hurt more down the line after years of you faking an interest.

TinselTwins · 15/01/2017 20:46

can you honestly say that every single baby a friends of yours has had ... has been a major part of your life?

The ones I give birthday and christmas gifts to are.

Mixed messages OP… she's testing how you feel because you're confusing her

Showgirl109 · 15/01/2017 20:46

So you rarely saw her before...
You show a lot of interest... but you don't want to be involved.
Possibly if it's a group watsapp it actually isn't directed at you. Either way you seem confused about your "friend" that you have known along time but rarely see and obviously barely care for.

DonaldTrumpsWig · 15/01/2017 20:46

I don't blame you, OP. I'd be well pissed off if a friend wanted to bring her child along to adult get togethers. Then it becomes all about the child and not about what the rest of the group of adults want to do.

Since there are other friends in the group with children who may be happy to meet up for occasional child-centred activities, maybe she can bring her baby to those (which you don't have to attend if you don't want to) and get a sitter for more grown up occasions. If she's a friend it's nice to show an interest in her baby, but there is a time and a place and maybe someone should tactfully point that point that out to her.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/01/2017 20:46

I think you sound a bit selfish tbh. You're at a different stage in your life though. I suppose that I was just lucky that when I had my son as a teenager the majority of my friends were massively supportive and actively made an effort to bond with him. All people are different though, perhaps my judgment is clouded because of my own experience.

Rattusn · 15/01/2017 20:48

You don't sound particularly nice.

When I had my first dc I lost a lot of friends as they didn't want to see dc/only wanted to go on nights out. It did hurt.

Welshrainbow · 15/01/2017 20:48

Does she have a lot of family support around her? If her baby only has a very small family she may be looking to make sure that there are a larger number of people to support/care for her and him. I'm not sure I really see the problem to be honest, you are important to her and she wants you to be important to her child as well.

Showgirl109 · 15/01/2017 20:48

Also 5 months old, she is still getting used to everything as a mum, i only buy gifts for close friends and family at Christmas and would only send them for a birthday for the same (unless I was going to a party) so yes they would be a major part of my life.

clumsyduck · 15/01/2017 20:48

I'm close to a handful of girls and we all have dc now we do things with and without having the children were all close and the kids are too and its lovely being around them . Help out with childcare on occasion etc . Wouldn't have it any other way