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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find visiting child greedy and rude?

270 replies

user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 03:41

I might be unreasonable and I might not. Either way, I'm sure you will all tell me.

I want to know what to do in this situation.

DD is 8 and has a little friend who is very close to her...also 8. The friend, every time she visits which is quite often, walks in and immediately asks for food.

She will usually ask DD who then asks me....I offer lunch or snacks as normal but this child is simply never full....if you offer her a biscuit tin, she will take 6 biscuits...a handful...I've stopped offering her...I just give her two biscuits now...but DD will sometimes sneak the tin out on this child's request. I've spoken to DD about it and she says the kid just goes on and on about it

.DD is allowed to get herself a cracker or something and does so without asking as she never eats anything really unless she's hungry...but this child will literally eat ALL the crackers there are...so two packs of cheesy crackers...just bought and meant for snacks for DD for a week are now gone.

I made them pasta and cheese which they like...with a side salad and ham.

The visiting child will say "Can I have more cheese? A LOT more?" in a way which I find rude...she'll expect half a block!

I don't give it...cheese is frigging expensive here and it has to last as I"m on a budget.

What do I do about the constant demands/requests for food/more food?

I usually just say "That's enough for now" or similar but then literally five minutes later, she will be whispering to DD "Get the cakes out of the freezer!"

And DD doesn't like saying no but knows it's unreasonable and so will ask me then get upset/concerned that her friend hasn't got what she wants.

I DO feed them....not small portions...but this is not ok with me and I just know what to do about it! I don't want to appear mean but I also don't want this child eating what would usually last for a week in one day!

OP posts:
SmellySphinx · 15/01/2017 14:46

Argh! That's supposed to be a Grin! Fucking CAKE emoji??!!??!! Way to rub it in MN Hmm

SmellySphinx · 15/01/2017 14:46

Argh! That's supposed to be a Grin! Fucking CAKE emoji??!!??!! Way to rub it in MN Hmm

SmellySphinx · 15/01/2017 14:47

*A GRIN emoji. Fucks sake, stupid stupid app

SmellySphinx · 15/01/2017 14:47

*A GRIN emoji. Fucks sake, stupid stupid app

SmellySphinx · 15/01/2017 14:50

Sorry about those fucked up repeated messages. Going to give up using the app I think!

YouTheCat · 15/01/2017 14:58

I don't get this obsession that a child must be full. Why?

A lunch and a snack over a few hours is plenty. This child does not need to be full up. It's not like it's the only meal she'll be offered all day, is it?

Chippednailvarnishing · 15/01/2017 15:04

Wow, you learn something new everyday.

  1. Unless you have an endless food budget you should not invite a child over for a play date in case they are hungry.
  2. A child visiting your house for 3 hours should be given an endless supply of carrots, cocktail sticks, cheesecake and caviar.
  3. Unless you thank every single poster on a thread, you are rude.
  4. Your portions are clearly inadquate, because someone, who can't see what you have served says so.

So glad I stick to fruitshoots, gregs pasties and cocaine on playdates, never a complaint yet

noeffingidea · 15/01/2017 15:15

Agree with youthecat. Nobody needs to be snacking continuosly. Whatever next, a nosebag?
In fact I have seen it recommended (by dentists) that children should have no more than 5 'oral intakes' per day - that includes drinks other than water. So, a maximum of 3 meals and 2 snacks per day. Any drinks other than water to be taken at the same time as food.
Seems quite adequate to me, and a good eating pattern to get into.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 15/01/2017 15:44

OP, have you tried talking to her parents about it?
I know there's no easy way to say it, but maybe something along the lines of "i'm teaching dd how to eat healthy/cooking basic nutritious dishes and your dd has shown an interest (even if she hasn't). Would it be ok to include her in that?"

Her parents are being neglectful and they're letting her down.
She's an 8 year old child and no one is concerned about her health enough to talk to her about it.
Instead she's being labelled 'fat and greedy', names that she is and probably will get called often.

A previous poster said Nothing will fill this child up as they are not eating because they are hungry

I agree.

I've read all 9 pages and so far no one has mentioned the possibility that she could have an undiagnosed medical condition.
Maybe her parents are in denial/can't be arsed dealing with it and are choosing the easier option of constantly feeding her to avoid facing it?

OP, you said If I let her eat as she wanted to, she'd literally eat everything
This reminds me somewhat of a bulimic - uncontrollable eating.
Even plain 'greedy' people get full at some point.

OP, if it were me i would have a chat with her.
Ask her if she is genuinely feeling hungry when she asks for extra food, if so what was her last meal and at what time?
If you feel it's due to habit, then you already know how to handle it.

You could help her by talking about/teaching healthy eating and cooking, or give them an activity to do which involves them learning.
Or get to play some high activity game before or after so her body can burn those calories/tire her out so her mind is preoccupied with something other than food?

If there's anything you can do to help the child then do it.
I knew a girl from when i was in junior school, went to high school and college with her. She'd always get called 'fat and greedy', her parents took some sort of weird pride in it Hmm

It was only when she kept missing P.E lessons that the school took an interest and spoke to her parents.
Turns out she had a thyroid condition, i'd never heard of such a thing before and asked one of my teachers - she didn't know what it was either. It became the buzzword of the year among our year group tho!

i know by the end of our college years she had lost a lot of the weight. I didn't ask how she did it but it was good to see.
It all came about because one person - our P.E teacher - was concerned enough to enquire further.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 15/01/2017 15:56

Forgive me, I'm pregnant and every time someone mentions lovely stuff it becomes a craving haha

You know what i saw on the reduced shelf in the supermarket?
CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS 12 months matured for 50p each!!!!
Pudding n cream, pudding n custard. pudding n ice cream....mmmmmmmmmmmm!

Grin Grin

JackLottiesMum · 15/01/2017 16:03

I suggest you have a considered chat with her mum/dad about it. There is a chance she may have in the past eaten lots at home but if she's putting on too much weight maybe she is getting restricted.
My daughter had a friend who not only constantly asked for chocolate but started taking it out of my cupboard without permission. Had a chat with her mum and turns out she was not allowed chocolate at home. So once I knew that I could tell the girl her mum doesn't want her to eat that much chocolate I felt I was going to have more success in dealing with problem.

Berthatydfil · 15/01/2017 16:54

Why is it the ops responsibility to educate this child In Healthy eating ? Or establish if she has an undiagnosed medical condition.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/01/2017 19:36

Chipped Grin

SmellySphinx · 15/01/2017 19:58

@CouldntMakeThisShitUp

BEHAVE YOURSELF!! Wicked, so so wicked! Grin

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 15/01/2017 20:28

It isn't her 'responsibility' but i would assume it's the decent, caring, human thing to try and do something to help a child who behaves like that?

Even if all it involves is asking the parents to send her with snacks/lunch etc

BlueHumbug · 15/01/2017 20:29

Cut the play date down to an hour or two after lunch and don't feed them anything during that time. If she asks your DD for food tell her the kitchen's closed. Only thing you can do if you can't afford to host her and don't want to reduce the visits.

bumsexatthebingo · 15/01/2017 21:26

Yes the child certainly sounds like they like their food and their social skills could do with a bit of refining! I'd just put a fruit bowl on the table and direct them there any time they said they were hungry. And supervise well so they can't pinch stuff from the kitchen. If you can't afford the fruit she's going through then you'll have to meet up with her parent there to pay for her food.

tierny · 15/01/2017 21:58

I'd say "Right girls, you've had your lunch, nothing else now until snack time" then at snack time say "There you go, 2 crackers each and that's plenty, no asking for more". Make both things final, make it clear there is no more.

I'd be mortified if I thought my kids were going somewhere asking for food constantly, so maybe best to try and put a stop to it yourself rather than speaking to the parents.

I have a very dear longtime friend who's 2 sons always constantly ask for drinks, crisps, sweets, biscuits - and anything else they can think of, but in front of her. And she just says "make sure you say please" 😫
I'd be saying "stop asking for things its rude !". But she doesn't, and although sometimes I do say that I have run out of something, they just find something else they want, and I don't have the heart to tell her it's getting a bit much !

Bejazzled · 17/01/2017 16:50

Just "that's enough fatty"

Should do the trick

hifi · 17/01/2017 17:33

DD has a friend like this, shes very overweight. Constantly asking for food, ive stopped inviting her.

QueenCarpetJewels · 18/01/2017 03:16

Couldn'tMakeThis You know, you might be on to something mentioning your friend who had a thyroid issue. It's perfectly possible to get over/underactive thyroid as a child! Mine's underactive. I was getting fatter and fatter but my (mostly good) diet hadn't changed, although I was feeling hungry ALL THE TIME. Then I was diagnosed. As the medication has been brought up to the right level I've started losing weight (and reasonably quickly!) So this is entirely possible. And I'm no longer constantly hungry.

Despite posting early on in the thread, I haven't read much of it up to here, but has anyone said the child might just be thirsty? Apparently it feels the same as hunger and we often say we're hungry when actually a drink is needed.

Peanutandphoenix · 18/01/2017 03:54

Could the little girl possibly have prader-willie syndrome if she acts exactly the same at home that condition does make them constantly hungry and they really don't know when to stop eating. I'm not trying to make excuses for her just saying that could be a possibility or she's just a really child.

Peanutandphoenix · 18/01/2017 04:01

It could also be a problem with her thyroid like another pp suggested but I think a quiet word with her parents might be in order because there could be a serious underlining cause for her over eating and constant hunger.

TitaniasCloset · 18/01/2017 04:01

Are two crackers really a snack? Mine are teenagers now, but from what I remember and other peoples Dc at my house that seems tiny.

Stitchfusion · 18/01/2017 04:16

Restricting food?
I find the OP's attitude to food a lot more strange than the visiting childs.