AIBU to find visiting child greedy and rude?

[user1477282676]

I might be unreasonable and I might not. Either way, I'm sure you will all tell me.

I want to know what to do in this situation.

DD is 8 and has a little friend who is very close to her...also 8. The friend, every time she visits which is quite often, walks in and immediately asks for food.

She will usually ask DD who then asks me....I offer lunch or snacks as normal but this child is simply never full....if you offer her a biscuit tin, she will take 6 biscuits...a handful...I've stopped offering her...I just give her two biscuits now...but DD will sometimes sneak the tin out on this child's request. I've spoken to DD about it and she says the kid just goes on and on about it

.DD is allowed to get herself a cracker or something and does so without asking as she never eats anything really unless she's hungry...but this child will literally eat ALL the crackers there are...so two packs of cheesy crackers...just bought and meant for snacks for DD for a week are now gone.

I made them pasta and cheese which they like...with a side salad and ham.

The visiting child will say "Can I have more cheese? A LOT more?" in a way which I find rude...she'll expect half a block!

I don't give it...cheese is frigging expensive here and it has to last as I"m on a budget.

What do I do about the constant demands/requests for food/more food?

I usually just say "That's enough for now" or similar but then literally five minutes later, she will be whispering to DD "Get the cakes out of the freezer!"

And DD doesn't like saying no but knows it's unreasonable and so will ask me then get upset/concerned that her friend hasn't got what she wants.

I DO feed them....not small portions...but this is not ok with me and I just know what to do about it! I don't want to appear mean but I also don't want this child eating what would usually last for a week in one day!

I too can't see why some people are calling the OP mean, or suggesting cheaper snacks to buy. Why should she change her ways to accommodate this child's wishes? Surely we can all remember from our own childhoods that other families do things differently.

user1477 stick to your guns and don't feel pressurised to give unneccesary snacks.
In fact you would be equally entitled not to if you suddenly won the lottery.
I've been really skint over the last 2 months and it's been a real challenge for me to provide adequate nutritional meals for my daughter and myself. It's actually been a great learning experience for me. I've learnt that I don't need snacks, I won't come to any harm if my tummy rumbles occassionally or if I don't have biscuits to dip in my tea. I've also lost weight and actually feel better in myself.So the moral of the story is we probably don't need to eat as much or as often as we think we do. Including this little girl.

I cant make up my mind on this one. Being on a budget is one thing, but you do sound incredibly 'tight'. My 2 ds's eat A LOT. Most of their friends come to dinner and only eat a tiny amount compared to what my 2 eat. That's fine. But if a child wanted extra cheese and crackers, grapes, biscuits, I would enjoy loading them up till they were full. An extra few biscuits is hardly going to blow the budget. Why would you begrudge another child this.
Some children eat like sparrows. Others gannets. Mine are the later, sporty and perfectly slim.

" I hate greedy kids"

greedy?

some kids are fussy. some eat few foodstuffs. some eat most things, but don't eat much. Adults are the same, all with varying likes and eating various different quantities. I eat tonnes. You would be amazed at how much I can put away!!
my kids eat nearly all foodstuffs. and tonnes of it. our food bill is enormous. I don't mind. I'd rather have it that way. Guess you'd consider mine greedy too.

Oblamov did you not read it properly? She'd eat ALL the crackers...she did do. It's not "a few extra buscuits" it's the crackers for a week or more. That's ten dollars. TEN DOLLARS!

It's a fiver in the UK but here, ten dollars is a lot to me.

OP as a parent I would be mortified if my children behaved like this at someone else's house! I would probably speak to the parent as I would want to know. My kids do eat a lot, but only at set mealtimes.

Unless it was pre arranged that you would be doing breakfast/lunch/dinner then I would say you don't have it. Be quite blunt and say "no I think you have had enough to eat."

If she's eating a weeks worth of biscuits this really isn't fair on you!

Yes, sorry OP, I did read it and I did get the crackers bit. But I was referring to your comment of now only giving her 2 biscuits.
never mind.

2 biscuits is plenty when a child's been fed a large lunch!

The girls are 8, so does she live near enough to come round herself or do her parents bring her? You're feeding her lunch, how often? Why is she there at lunchtime? Why isn't she lunching at home?

How often does your daughter go round to their house to play, and what does she eat/is offered to eat there?

IT's not just the food, though. It's whispering to OP's DD to get food that she knows isn't on offer.

I would be saying to the girl that this isn't OK and that she needs to stop. It's really unfair on your DD to be put in that position. You may also want to talk to DD about ways to say no to her friend, e.g. You know we've been told not to, or my Mum will say no, let's do xxx instead.

And then if you overhear the girl trying to make DD get food, speak to her directly, immediately. It doesn't have to be an angry rant, just a matter of fact, "I said no and it's rude to keep asking. You have should stop now."

I was a skinny child who ate loads, and it was 30 years ago but we had snacks. Toast or a bowl of cereal, usually. I was always hungry and my parents once called me 'the drain' as I just ate and drank loads. I'd probably be very enthusiastic about eating, and had no idea about what things cost. I would have happily asked for 'lots more cheese'. There's something in the post which is a judgement about her eating which I do find unreasonable.

OTH, sneaking food or encouraging to go for food that is off limits eg the cake is not cool. It's your house your rules, so enforce whatever you feel like. Maybe just lay off labelling a child as greedy, or shaming around eating and food. I think your anxiety about the budget is falling over into judging this child as wanting too much and you don't have enough? You have plenty, just enforce that and don't worry about her requests. All you have to do is say no!

It sounds like you can't afford to have your daughters friends over and you are letting her hunger impact your emotional feelings towards her. It's not fair she is only a child.
If you can't afford to host her, don't have her.
How would you feel if you went to your friends house for dinner and they didn't offer you another glass of wine, or give you enough to eat because they didn't think you NEEDED anymore.

You've inadvertently made yourself sound frustrated, disgusted and disinterested in this child.

I NEVER ever ration anything to any of my guests. If I can't afford them to come over then I do not invite them.

Mowgel you've come across as really snobby in your post. The OP's daughter having a friend over shouldn't be contingent on her income. She feeds the kid but it's never enough.

Once I brought a friend along to a shared picnic thing. She brought nothing and ate an entire punnet of strawberries that was in the middle to share. She ate every one of them. The person who brought the strawberries could afford them but that's not really the point. She was rude and greedy and I was mortified.

Pizza it wasn't my plan to sound snobby just to say that if there were a bigger budget I'm sure OP wouldn't feel this way.
It's her emotions getting the better of her.

I still dont get it.
The child is there 3 hours.
Lets sasy half an hour of that will be spent eating lunch.
Then she has a couple of biscuits for snack in the next 2.5 hours

WHY does she need more before she goes home?
A meal and a snack in 3 hours is plenty surely?

Just Say No and Suggest a game, play with them, that might take her mind off food

These girls are eight years old, not a pair of toddlers. They will neither need nor want the OP to join in their games.

This girl doesn't need her mind taking off food, she needs to learn that it's not OK to constantly ask for food in other people's houses.

When I was an eight-year-old I had a huge appetite and would eat pretty much anything. Sometimes I went to other kids' houses and thought 'Well ... they don't give you much to eat here, do they?' and would go home still feeling a bit peckish. But I would never in a million years have either asked for extra food or badgered my friends to ask, because I was fully aware that was bad manners. The worst that would happen was that I went home still feeling a bit peckish and had a snack at my own house instead.

If a child's been given a decent lunch and a snack, it's not going to kill them to wait until they get home before they have anything else.

I don't think she means to be rude at all, though of course this is very difficult for you. I do not think it would help to react as though this is rudeness.

I think she has a physiological imbalance/an eating disorder of some kind.

Could you tell her if she is hungry she can help herself to the fruit bowl or a yogurt but that other snacks are treats and not for helping yourself to?!?

I may be old fashioned but what is it with the total obsession with snacking? if you have a decent breakfast, lunch and dinner, then maybe a glass of milk and piece of fruit for supper why on earth do you need constant snacks of fruit, crackers, cheese, sweets etc in between? we are an unhealthy nation because we seem to expect to eat snacks in between meals constantly... nothing wrong with an occasional treat of biscuit / crisps / sweets at times as y;know a TREAT, but all this need for kids to have to have snacks on the way home, on the wayto, in between, after , before, is just unnecessary, it is ok to feel a bit hungry sometimes, in fact it is possibly a good thing to be able to recognise real hunger from the boredom, thirst, slight niggle of being ready for food without having to be fed constantly. No wonder obesity is becoming a problem, I do think a lot of people make up for lack of involvement / guilt at not being there, etc by having to provide food all the time...I recognise this as when mine were little I used to overindulge them in cheap plastic tat when I worked but thankfully never got into the need for constant snacks, and funnily enough neither of them asked for food very much until mealtimes.