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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find visiting child greedy and rude?

270 replies

user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 03:41

I might be unreasonable and I might not. Either way, I'm sure you will all tell me.

I want to know what to do in this situation.

DD is 8 and has a little friend who is very close to her...also 8. The friend, every time she visits which is quite often, walks in and immediately asks for food.

She will usually ask DD who then asks me....I offer lunch or snacks as normal but this child is simply never full....if you offer her a biscuit tin, she will take 6 biscuits...a handful...I've stopped offering her...I just give her two biscuits now...but DD will sometimes sneak the tin out on this child's request. I've spoken to DD about it and she says the kid just goes on and on about it

.DD is allowed to get herself a cracker or something and does so without asking as she never eats anything really unless she's hungry...but this child will literally eat ALL the crackers there are...so two packs of cheesy crackers...just bought and meant for snacks for DD for a week are now gone.

I made them pasta and cheese which they like...with a side salad and ham.

The visiting child will say "Can I have more cheese? A LOT more?" in a way which I find rude...she'll expect half a block!

I don't give it...cheese is frigging expensive here and it has to last as I"m on a budget.

What do I do about the constant demands/requests for food/more food?

I usually just say "That's enough for now" or similar but then literally five minutes later, she will be whispering to DD "Get the cakes out of the freezer!"

And DD doesn't like saying no but knows it's unreasonable and so will ask me then get upset/concerned that her friend hasn't got what she wants.

I DO feed them....not small portions...but this is not ok with me and I just know what to do about it! I don't want to appear mean but I also don't want this child eating what would usually last for a week in one day!

OP posts:
HadEnoughThisChristmas · 15/01/2017 11:59

I have no time for greedy children and wouldn't invite her round again. I don't blame OP if she doesn't like the child; greedy, pushy, sneaky kids are hardly endearing are they?

Original poster
user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 12:00

Trifle, the child is given a good lunch...fine. She's also allowed some snacks...but she doesn't need more than that in a three hour visit.

I'm not going to refuse her to visit because she eats too much! I've had some good advice here and know I'm not being unreasonable.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 15/01/2017 12:01

This is otherworldly to me. It was an unspoken thing for us as children that asking for food when you're a guest in someone's home was unspeakably rude. Even if we really wanted to, we waited to be offered. I still can't do it as an adult *
*
This.

I'd put a big bowl of fruit out and say help yourselves to anything in this bowl but that's all until lunch.

Difficult one though OP. This child will be the size of a house at this rate!

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:03

Ok, so if you're not going to offer her anything (cheap) that's different, or stop her coming round, she will just have to stay hungry and will probably keep asking. Good luck!

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 12:03

The child is overweight Trifle so obviously not that hungry. She also gets a meal.

Of course it is not unreasonable to suggest that visiting children eat a good meal and then limited OFFERED snacks during a short visit.
Of COURSE the OP should not have to make a special shopping trip to stock up on lovely expensive snacks for this child.

That doesn't mean that the OP is too poor for playdates.

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 12:04

There's a difference between hungry and greedy.
Particularly in fat children.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:06

WellErrr; Overweight people still get hungry. Offering her a more substantial, but still cheap and healthy snack is the obvious answer. Failing that, don't invite her.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/01/2017 12:06

trifle I think you came on MN this morning to be especially obtuse. This isn't the only thread in which you are goading.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:07

There's a difference between hungry and greedy.
Particularly in fat children.

Nasty.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:08

VladmirsPoutine: Nope. I really think this.

user1481838270 · 15/01/2017 12:11

Fucks sake trifle, are you meaning to be so rude and unpleasant?

WellErrr, try saying this while looking in a mirror next time!

Flisstizzy · 15/01/2017 12:12

The OP shouldn't have to provide endless snacks & food for a play date. They are providing a meal for the child, and the child is lacking manners in constantly badgering for more food.
OP keep on saying no, and definitely tell the parents they are asking for snacks after a meal, the parents need to put a stop to this, esp. if the child is getting overweight.

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 12:12

So you seriously think, that after a meal and a snack, this overweight child would actually still be physically, stomach rumbling hungry?
Or - greedy and a bit rude?

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 12:13

Not the only day either Vladimirs....

NormaSmuff · 15/01/2017 12:15

i think you should do arts and crafts and games with them.
if they are typical 8 year olds they love this sort of thing. do they go to brownies or equivalent. do you know what they do at brownies and play those games.
take her mind off eating.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:15

WellErrr: I seriously think that she might be hungry two hours after a light lunch. I don't think the single cracker is working. I think offering her a healthy but more substantial snack (that doesn't have to be expensive) would be the welcoming thing to do. She may well be greedy, so after that I would have no issue with the OP just saying no. But to refuse point blank to offer anything other than what fills up her own child seems inflexible to me. This other child clearly isn't filled by this.

user1481838270 · 15/01/2017 12:16

OP, I would just firmly respond that there are no more snacks.

If she continues to pester you, send her home.

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 12:17

She ate 2 packs of crackers. Says so in the OP.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:18

WellErrr: Yep, I read it. I'm not saying this is acceptable.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/01/2017 12:20

trifle then you have not read the fucking thread! The OP has given the children a normal filling meal AND SNACKS. The OP clearly states that so-called 'cheap' fillers are not an option because they are not that cheap where she is. It's all relative - they might be cheap but still not within the OP's budget. Why should OP have to stretch herself because a playdate wants to eat everything in the house? If you care so much why don't you offer to send OP money to buy extra snacks?

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 12:20

But you do seem to think that the OP should still be giving her more, as she's clearly not full?

Because I think it's greedy and rude. Not the child's fault - she's obviously not been taught this. But it's a shame as if she troughs like this at other people's houses she will be judged for it, especially as she gets older.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 15/01/2017 12:22

Could you try taking them out somewhere and ask her mum to provide her with a packed lunch and snacks to take along? That way, you can just tell her that whatever her mum has given her is all she has.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:26

WellErrr: No. I am saying there is a middle ground between offering her only what the DD has (which is what the OP has said she is willing to do) and letting her eat everything in the house. Some other posters have tried to suggest alternatives but have been shot down as if it is ridiculous that the little girl might want more than a single cracker. I honestly don't think it is.

I also find some of the rhetoric about "fat" and "greedy" children quite unpleasant. An 8 year old with an undisciplined approach to food isn't being deliberately "greedy" and it isn't her fault if she is fat. She needs to be encouraged to make better food choices. And although this isn't the OP's responsibility, it's my view that she would be better off not inviting this child round than doing so and then calling her names because she eats more than her own DD, who sounds like a very light eater.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 12:28

VladmirsPoutine: Hmm

When I invite people to my home I offer them snacks. I don't complain if they want more than one biscuit. I haven't suggested the OP offers her expensive food or lots of food, but if she genuinely cannot afford to offer her any more than she offers her own child (who generally eats one cracker as a snack) then she may not be in a position to host. That's all I'm saying.

WellErrr · 15/01/2017 12:33

I give up. I don't think you've really RTFT.

OP - it is totally fine to feed an 8 year old child a normal meal and a normal snack I a short playdate. Asking you for more is rude.

Suggesting that you should do a special shop for this child is ridiculous.
Suggesting you're too poor to have your daughters friend over is rude and offensive.

When you are in other people's houses, you say thank you for what you are given, and you generally eat what they eat. I think it's a shame that this child hasn't been taught nice manners, as it will only be of detriment to her in the future.

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