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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find visiting child greedy and rude?

270 replies

user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 03:41

I might be unreasonable and I might not. Either way, I'm sure you will all tell me.

I want to know what to do in this situation.

DD is 8 and has a little friend who is very close to her...also 8. The friend, every time she visits which is quite often, walks in and immediately asks for food.

She will usually ask DD who then asks me....I offer lunch or snacks as normal but this child is simply never full....if you offer her a biscuit tin, she will take 6 biscuits...a handful...I've stopped offering her...I just give her two biscuits now...but DD will sometimes sneak the tin out on this child's request. I've spoken to DD about it and she says the kid just goes on and on about it

.DD is allowed to get herself a cracker or something and does so without asking as she never eats anything really unless she's hungry...but this child will literally eat ALL the crackers there are...so two packs of cheesy crackers...just bought and meant for snacks for DD for a week are now gone.

I made them pasta and cheese which they like...with a side salad and ham.

The visiting child will say "Can I have more cheese? A LOT more?" in a way which I find rude...she'll expect half a block!

I don't give it...cheese is frigging expensive here and it has to last as I"m on a budget.

What do I do about the constant demands/requests for food/more food?

I usually just say "That's enough for now" or similar but then literally five minutes later, she will be whispering to DD "Get the cakes out of the freezer!"

And DD doesn't like saying no but knows it's unreasonable and so will ask me then get upset/concerned that her friend hasn't got what she wants.

I DO feed them....not small portions...but this is not ok with me and I just know what to do about it! I don't want to appear mean but I also don't want this child eating what would usually last for a week in one day!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/01/2017 12:33

You'll all be in for a shock when the teens descended on your house!Grin

CalmItKermitt · 15/01/2017 12:33

I was a bit like this as a child. I loved eating at other peoples houses. It was the novelty as much as anything.

My little friend was the same. She used to beg my mum to make her custard. Even though it was the same as her mum made she always maintained - and still does, 40 years later - that my mums custard tasted better 😄

strangehumour · 15/01/2017 12:34

Sometimes children are just hungry - isn't there a saying about hollow legs
:-). If children keep asking me I just do something cheap that can fill them up - toast with butter on. Or even just bread and butter sometimes. Is that expensive by you?

Quick, easy and filling.

Softkitty2 · 15/01/2017 12:34

She might be genuinely hungry, just offer something more substantial like a sandwich?
I can never say no to a child who asks for food granted they eat it.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/01/2017 12:36

I have no time for greedy children and wouldn't invite her round again. I don't blame OP if she doesn't like the child; greedy, pushy, sneaky kids are hardly endearing are they?

What a nasty post.

BonnyScotland · 15/01/2017 12:37

Just Say NO ...

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2017 12:44

Can I ask about the logistics OP?

The girls are 8, so does she live near enough to come round herself or do her parents bring her? You're feeding her lunch, how often? Why is she there at lunchtime? Why isn't she lunching at home?

How often does your daughter go round to their house to play, and what does she eat/is offered to eat there?

KinkyAfro · 15/01/2017 12:51

Still love it that people are suggesting op feeds the kid a sandwich too, op has said she's on a budget and had already fed her not a small meal. On top of that op has given her snacks. The kid doesn't need any more food, if she does her parents can give it to her

MatildaTheCat · 15/01/2017 12:55

After lunch and snack make a loud announcement, 'The kitchen is now closed. No further requests for food will be considered.'

Then send them into the garden/ bedroom to do what the original invitation implied...play. Smile

ElsieMc · 15/01/2017 12:55

I second just say no. I don't think it is in any way nasty to not want to continually feed a child who you have already given lunch to and who wants to greedily eat cheese etc that you have bought for your own families' lunches during the week.

Children do get hungry and when my two played out with friends I would often leave sandwiches, just jam or something simple, on a tray in the garden in the summer with some drinks. But these children would never come in asking me for food. They just happily took what was on offer.

I did child mind for a neighbour for a while and her dd had her tea with us and I enjoyed having her because she would eat everything up uncomplainingly. Her mum would collect later and bring me a cake, pies etc which had gone unsold in the confectioners she worked in. I think the situation needs to be reciprocal.

This is all so one-sided and I don't think you deserve any self righteous criticism. It made me feel so annoyed for you just reading your post.

babychamcherryb · 15/01/2017 12:59

I can't believe someone suggested grated carrot eaten with cocktail sticks. How weird.

Bejazzled · 15/01/2017 13:02

I can't believe someone suggested grated carrot eaten with cocktail sticks. How weird.

This x 100, never heard the like utterly ridiculous

pregnantat50 · 15/01/2017 13:03

ask her parents to send her with a goody bag filled with her snacks as you are no longer keeping sweet treats etc in the house, say your trying to get healthy for the new year...that way her parents will foot the bill and be aware of the amount she is eating too.

QuiteLikely5 · 15/01/2017 13:07

I would offer carrots and more carrots and more carrots!

Make it clear after the first request there'll be nothing else except carrots! 'Over there in the bowl, don't ask me just get one when you feel like it'

eddiemairswife · 15/01/2017 13:17

And tell her it's rude to keep asking for food. She won't die of starvation if she goes for a couple of hours with no food.

TENSHI · 15/01/2017 13:20

The cheesecake doesn't need to be baked!

And I was only mildly offended Wink

But it it still is a good way to stretch a few biscuits and a bit of fruit if you are on a budget, and it is very filling! Grin

Amandahugandkisses · 15/01/2017 13:41

I could never say no to a hungry child in my house. But maybe that's my Italian roots Grin
I honestly don't understand how adding more cheese to pasta or a few biscuits or crackers is such a massive deal. If you can't feed her a bit more or say no I honestly think you may have to stop having her around. Getting your DD to ask sounds annoying and I get that but she's obviously still hungry.

kittybiscuits · 15/01/2017 13:43

OP has done those things, if you read the thread.

Willow2016 · 15/01/2017 14:05

I dont get it
Pasta, cheese, ham and salad is a good meal, why should you add more to it because a kid 'tells you' to?

The child cant be trusted not to ask Ops DD to sneak her food, plus she asks for more. Its the sneakiness thats really annoying. Who goes to someones house and steals their food? Soundds like she is used to geting her own way at home and expects the same at OPs house.

I think a full meal and a snack within 3 hours is pretty much plenty for that age. How on earth do they survive in school if they need more?

Backt0Black · 15/01/2017 14:14

What on earth is with all the super-mummies dealing out nutrition advice on how to make sure this VISITING CHILD for which OP is NOT responsible for, or related to is well catered for. No carrots, no 'extra sandwich' GUESS WHAT - that's for her parents to do!

OP - It's nice you offer her anything, its really not your obligation. When I was a kid it used to be a shout up the stairs to say 'we're sitting down to dinner now its time for X friend to go home for his / her dinner'.... and we survived!

As its really quite awkward for your child OP the next time you overhear the visiting child ask your DD to ask you for something I'd just address the visiting child directly and brightly 'Sorry X Child, that's it, we don't snack in our house' ending the nagging for more.

g1ng3rcat · 15/01/2017 14:14

OP no YANBU - I sympathize as I'm also on a tight budget and for a while my DD was friendly with a child who kept demanding drinks and food constantly, that I had planned would last us the week. It wasn't that I had even invited her round - she kept inviting herself round and as she was unbearably rude, overbearing and noisy, I could never understand why DD wanted her here. (Eventually she admitted she didn't - she just couldn't say No.) Eventually she behaved too badly once too often and I put my foot down, DD was actually relieved.

HST, if that doesn't apply in your situation and it's just food that is the issue then you are still NBU - if limiting the snacks is the only way your DD and her friend can spend time together, then surely it's better to do that than (as some posters suggest) stop the playdates?

CherryCokeFairy · 15/01/2017 14:20

I'm also interested in those questions WhereYouLeftIt... If DD is eating at her friends house during the week too I would try and be alot more tactful, however if the friends parents never provide food for DD I would be knocking this on the head right away...

Personally my response to this situation would be to mention to the parents what you are feeding your visitor and explain that this is what you have budgeted for - put yourself across as "is this enough for her? DD eats this and my budget is limited to that" If they expect more suggest that they provide the extra food she needs.

As for providing fruit as a snack - personally I prefer your 2 crackers option - crackers are carbohydrates which make you feel full.... fruit is sugar and water, more expensive and less filling. However how expensive is bread in your area? do you buy it regularly? Could you offer a single slice of toast with butter (no jam, peanut butter, chocolate spread etc) as a fill me up instead of the crackers

I must admit I suspect that she is eating out of habit because its what she is used too not because she is hungry (although she may experience similar feelings to hunger in a psychosomatic kind of way), Does she also ask for food when she is distracted by another task?

Bejazzled · 15/01/2017 14:26

I wouldn't even be going down the route of speaking to the parents, apologising, chopping up carrots, offering extra etc. The child is not hungry, just greedy.
The answer with a smile is 'no childname, my kitchen is closed, if you are still hungry I'll drop you home right now'?

JustSpeakSense · 15/01/2017 14:31

It sounds to me as if the child is interested in seeing what delicious snacks are on offer in other people's homes, and just how far she can push it.

I'd offer a filling lunch on arrival (pasta or baked potato or sandwiches) and then I'd state firmly that they need to go and play now and at (give time) they can come down and have a piece if fruit each.

If may have to say 'no biscuits, cheese crackers or crisps today, you can each have 1 piece of fruit later' then she knows exactly what to expect.

If this doesn't work and she still nags for food I'd mention it to the parent on collection.

SmellySphinx · 15/01/2017 14:43

Fellow Northerner here too wanted to say I read the "bloody cheesecake" bit as intended Grin

On a side note, I would totally turn up to someones house right now just for a Blue Ribboned ( is that how it's spelt?! ) can't remember...nor can I remember who mentioned it. However, I really want one now, also cheesecake. Forgive me, I'm pregnant and every time someone mentions lovely stuff it becomes a craving haha