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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find visiting child greedy and rude?

270 replies

user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 03:41

I might be unreasonable and I might not. Either way, I'm sure you will all tell me.

I want to know what to do in this situation.

DD is 8 and has a little friend who is very close to her...also 8. The friend, every time she visits which is quite often, walks in and immediately asks for food.

She will usually ask DD who then asks me....I offer lunch or snacks as normal but this child is simply never full....if you offer her a biscuit tin, she will take 6 biscuits...a handful...I've stopped offering her...I just give her two biscuits now...but DD will sometimes sneak the tin out on this child's request. I've spoken to DD about it and she says the kid just goes on and on about it

.DD is allowed to get herself a cracker or something and does so without asking as she never eats anything really unless she's hungry...but this child will literally eat ALL the crackers there are...so two packs of cheesy crackers...just bought and meant for snacks for DD for a week are now gone.

I made them pasta and cheese which they like...with a side salad and ham.

The visiting child will say "Can I have more cheese? A LOT more?" in a way which I find rude...she'll expect half a block!

I don't give it...cheese is frigging expensive here and it has to last as I"m on a budget.

What do I do about the constant demands/requests for food/more food?

I usually just say "That's enough for now" or similar but then literally five minutes later, she will be whispering to DD "Get the cakes out of the freezer!"

And DD doesn't like saying no but knows it's unreasonable and so will ask me then get upset/concerned that her friend hasn't got what she wants.

I DO feed them....not small portions...but this is not ok with me and I just know what to do about it! I don't want to appear mean but I also don't want this child eating what would usually last for a week in one day!

OP posts:
buttonmushroomex · 15/01/2017 10:07

But as a mum I'd rather know my son was being rude and grabby. Then I could deal with it.

I'd much prefer that than his friends parents dreading having him come round...😞

We have a kid here now for a sleepover and he really pushes his luck. He's very rude and grabby, his parents provided a family bag of mini mars bars to share with DS in front of a movie. He tried to eat the whole bag for himself at 9pm (he's only 8 years old) I said ok let's just check with your mum and dad if that's ok and he quickly backtracked. 😂

I expect my DC to be parented just like the kid they are visiting. And if that means a telling off and a strict no, then so be it.

If she's whispering to your DD as others mention them call her out on it. "Stop asking DD to get things as you will get her into trouble"

My DS now just comes an says "mum X keeps nagging me about xxxx" or tells the boy "no, go and ask my mum if you're that bothered" 😂

smellyboot · 15/01/2017 10:08

Interesting and if the child is showing signs of being over weight as opposed to underweight and starving, I'd be inclined to offer a banana, apple etc Yould could always say 'the rules in this house are xxx'

Aeroflotgirl · 15/01/2017 10:14

My goodness the auto correct is awful 😩

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 10:18

I don't think you need to go from letting her eat everything in the house to only offering her carrots, tbh. If she is round for, say, 2 hours and it isn't a meal time, offer her a glass of milk/juice and two biscuits. Or two rice cakes with peanut butter. Or a jam sandwich. Then say no.

SecondsLeft · 15/01/2017 10:21

Yes but just a warning, one of my dds friends when her mum arrived to pick her up turned to her and said 'Mum she wouldn't feed me'. I had given snacks on arrival at 2pm and then some follow up fruit when she wanted something else twice.

I would not be beyond saying what I consider good manners to be to visiting children, she needs to learn.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 10:22

SecondsLeft: That is so rude! The child wouldn't be coming to my house again.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/01/2017 10:25

Over eating can be a sign of neglect at home too. I wouldn't say anything to the parents,it's also not your job to police what she eats if she's over weight. Just offer her what you're having for tea ,I'd offer a sandwhich just in case and leave it at that.

All this angst about a kid asking for some food!

Mumzypopz · 15/01/2017 10:38

Had a very similar issue with a child who used to knock on our door asking to play with my child but within seconds of being in the house would ask for a blue ribband. This happened regularly. We realised she wasn't really wanting to play with my daughter, just saw our house as a food pit stop. I started putting horrible biscuits in the tin, and she stopped coming.

kittybiscuits · 15/01/2017 10:39

I just don't know why so many people are suggesting foods that the OP can buy to give this child. She's said half a dozen times that she can't afford to and is on a budget. The child is overfed at home and is preoccupied with and over-invested in eating. I think as others have said, you should stick to your guns and be kind and firm and suggest she goes home. I particularly don't like the pressure being applied to your daughter and would encourage other friendships.

LadyGlitterSparklesSeriously · 15/01/2017 10:39

This is otherworldly to me. It was an unspoken thing for us as children that asking for food when you're a guest in someone's home was unspeakably rude. Even if we really wanted to, we waited to be offered. I still can't do it as an adult Blush

I don't know what the answer is really. I think I'd just try to distract her.

DixieNormas · 15/01/2017 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 15/01/2017 10:58

I'd just say 'no' to any extra snacks or extra food at meal times. If she's hungry when she goes home no doubt her parents will feed her vast amounts of shite anyway.

She's 8 and old enough to be told she's being rude as well.

DixieNormas · 15/01/2017 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits · 15/01/2017 11:02

I would hand her back saying 'she's had a meal and snacks but has been complaining about being hungry' just to gauge the reaction. I think the rudeness is a significant problem. I'm guessing pester power wins out at home.

876TaylorMade · 15/01/2017 11:03

OP I'm in Australia ... it is overpriced and limited in options.... especially for cheap options!

Tell her parents to send her with food. Growing up my mother would always send us to friends with snacks, juice etc.

If we came before lunch we'd usually get lunch from their house... but usually we'd go after lunch and be picked up before dinner. We were only there to play... not to be watered and fed.

Just say a firm no. You don't need to explain to an 8yr old why she can't have something of yours.

If the parents know they have a greedy child they shouldn't expect you to provide the same at your house... they should be at the very least be giving her stuff to take along with her... they're being lazy IMO.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/01/2017 11:03

Dixie- I presumed that was a joke by the pp although PWS is trotted out a lot on MN.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/01/2017 11:04

Agree that being allowed to overeat is often a sign of neglect.

But OP, you sound like you don't really like her - is she one of your DD's best friends? If she is, try being nicer to / about her at the same time as reducing the opportunities for snacking.

Unluckycat1 · 15/01/2017 11:11

I'd try to not feel too negatively towards the child, they are just a child after all.

What I would probably do is give them a pretty big portion of something cheap (pasta, beans on toast) and then have an apple or carrot sticks ready for a snack and say no very clearly to anything else. While a huge portion of pasta is not healthy the occasional big meal at yours isn't going to do any damage.

Two of my children really aren't that interested in food and would put playing for hours with a friend before eating. One is obsessed though. The constant asking is very draining and I have to work very hard to remain patient. Raised the same way, hears no plenty of times, given boring healthy snacks like fruit and veg way more than exciting biscuits etc, but he just loves food and thinks about it constantly, always asks for more, sneaks more whenever he can. Her parents are possibly/probably dealing with the annoyingness of it already on a daily basis so try not to judge.

Berthatydfil · 15/01/2017 11:11

I'm with the posters that can't understand why people are suggesting all sorts of other snacks and treats.
She's not your child it's not your responsibility to feed her, you have a budget for food for your family and you should have to be buying extra stuff just to accommodate some rude greedy child.

I'm afraid I would be saying quite firmly to her and your daughter next time she comes round " x don't ask me or did name for any food treats or snacks because there isn't any. If you keep doing it or go in my cupboards without asking me you will have to go home"

DixieNormas · 15/01/2017 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 11:17

kittybiscuits: The OP didn't say she couldn't afford/wasn't willing to offer any food at all. Her own DD is allowed to get herself a small snack so there is no reason to withhold a small snack from a guest. If she is there for a few hours it is reasonable for her to get hungry.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 15/01/2017 11:18

^We used to tell them they could eat all the raw vegetables they wanted between meals. If you aren't hungry enough to each some veggie sticks you aren't that hungry!
I'd tell her straight out there will be one snack between meals, but then no more. And stick to it. Sooner or later she'll stop asking^

Yep! I'll always remember what a friend said to me re this (I've got a teenage nephew who'd eat me out of house and home given half the chance) . "If you aren't hungry enough to eat an apple. You're not that hungry".

Agree with other PPs. Stick to your guns.

kittybiscuits · 15/01/2017 11:21

I know trifle. I've read the thread.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 11:25

kittybiscuits: So why ask why people are suggesting snacks? The OP doesn't want to withhold all snacks.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 11:25

Trifle Kitty wasn't suggesting that I don't offer the child anything. She was reiterating what I have said....that I can't buy different or extra food...people keep suggesting that I buy apples for example to offer to her...or that I get cheap crackers...

I buy what I buy...that's all there is. I can't get different things in just for this child.

I do offer a snack or lunch but it's the same as I'd be giving to DD...I can run to one or two extra meals but not for the child to completely finish packets of crackers or half a large block of cheese.

OP posts: