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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find visiting child greedy and rude?

270 replies

user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 03:41

I might be unreasonable and I might not. Either way, I'm sure you will all tell me.

I want to know what to do in this situation.

DD is 8 and has a little friend who is very close to her...also 8. The friend, every time she visits which is quite often, walks in and immediately asks for food.

She will usually ask DD who then asks me....I offer lunch or snacks as normal but this child is simply never full....if you offer her a biscuit tin, she will take 6 biscuits...a handful...I've stopped offering her...I just give her two biscuits now...but DD will sometimes sneak the tin out on this child's request. I've spoken to DD about it and she says the kid just goes on and on about it

.DD is allowed to get herself a cracker or something and does so without asking as she never eats anything really unless she's hungry...but this child will literally eat ALL the crackers there are...so two packs of cheesy crackers...just bought and meant for snacks for DD for a week are now gone.

I made them pasta and cheese which they like...with a side salad and ham.

The visiting child will say "Can I have more cheese? A LOT more?" in a way which I find rude...she'll expect half a block!

I don't give it...cheese is frigging expensive here and it has to last as I"m on a budget.

What do I do about the constant demands/requests for food/more food?

I usually just say "That's enough for now" or similar but then literally five minutes later, she will be whispering to DD "Get the cakes out of the freezer!"

And DD doesn't like saying no but knows it's unreasonable and so will ask me then get upset/concerned that her friend hasn't got what she wants.

I DO feed them....not small portions...but this is not ok with me and I just know what to do about it! I don't want to appear mean but I also don't want this child eating what would usually last for a week in one day!

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 15/01/2017 08:56

I wouldn't have her round at mealtimes. Maybe a shorter visit. Offer only drinks. If she's allowed endless sugary snacks then she'll be chasing the sugar all day long. The parents aren't doing this child any favours long term...

Is she an only child?

nannybeach · 15/01/2017 08:59

Have a chat to your daughter in advance of next childs visit, explain what is going to happen. I had a similar experience, but the child used to help themself, I was on benefits at the time and skint, I didnt manage to say no (I am stronger now and would not put up with it) so hope you can, dont make the cheesecake, especially if the child is already overweight!

Rachel0Greep · 15/01/2017 09:00

I agree with others, just treat her the same as your own. Asking for food - ' we will be having dinner at X time'. Snacks, if you allow them, then she can have whatever your daughter would have.
She might be just pushing her luck, the novelty of being at your house, eating different food, who knows.
If it's anything deeper, you are not really in a position to help. I agree also about getting them out of the house, if that's possible. And lots of water to drink, nothing else available.

EpoxyResin · 15/01/2017 09:01

Honestly I'd just talk to her mother. Just say, "I don't know what they're like when they're at your house but round here Sharon and Laura are always asking for snacks. It's relentless! Now I do let Laura have reasonable snacks but not as many as all that, but I don't know what you do at home for Sharon. Would you like me to continue to refuse her the snacks that I feel are excessive, like I will do Laura, or would you rather send her with extra snacks she can have at any time?"

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 09:03

I am in two minds about this.

She shouldn't keep asking for more food, unless she is genuinely hungry. She shouldn't grab and she should use her manners. The OP is on a budget and obviously can't afford unlimited snacking.

BUT

Am I the only one who thinks it's not the end of the world for a kid to want more than one cracker? Is it really necessary to ration biscuits to one a week? Is water really the only acceptable drink?

Sometimes attitudes to food on MN border on puritanical, frankly. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a few treats.

juneau · 15/01/2017 09:06

No YANBU OP. I'm afraid I'm pretty strict about stuff like this. No DC (including my own), helps themselves to food and I have no problem saying 'You've had enough' to my own or visiting DC. Some DC do help themselves at home, while others can't, so when they go to someone else's house where the rules are more lax they try it on. Here it's my house, my rules, and if they don't like it I don't particularly care. I'd be horrified if I found out that my DC were going to their friends' homes and being demanding and rude. Parents have to say 'no' sometimes as some kids will binge on whatever (food, screen time, etc), if allowed to. Surely it's a responsible parent's job to say 'Okay, that's it. You've had enough'?

KittyVonCatsington · 15/01/2017 09:07

I'm certainly not making her bloody cheescakes!

You are being quite rude and abrupt at a number of people's posts, OP.

Ohdearducks · 15/01/2017 09:08

My friends little girl was like this, would eat and five minutes later say 'I'm hungry.' I used to tell her no, you're not hungry you're bored! I'd offer raw veg as a snack every time she did it she soon got sick of it and stopped asking.

Marylou2 · 15/01/2017 09:08

How often does she visit? She's not your child so her food intake really isn't your issue other than the cost if you're on such a tight budget. Just buy some cheap cheese/crackers/biscuits and let her eat.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 09:08

Trifle I don't ration crackers to one a week. But she eats a whole packet if she's allowed to! I only buy two packs a week because that's all I CAN buy.

Of course there's nothing wrong with "enjoying a few treats" but not more than someone can afford to give.

If I let her eat as she wanted to, she'd literally eat everything.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 15/01/2017 09:10

Love that you are being 'rude' for not immediately agreeing to bake cheesecakes for her 😂

Original poster
user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 09:11

Mary I should perhaps have said, but I am in Australia...the cheap food options here are not nearly as extensive as they are in the UK.

Cheese for example is simply expensive...even the "cheap" brands. I can't buy anything in especially for this child...I am on a budget and buy pretty much the same things weekly.

If there are crackers...then they run out because she's eaten them all...then nobody else has any.

It's not a case of me being able to "just buy cheap ones" or anything. I can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 09:12

WellEr Grin I know! You've got to laugh. Perhaps it's her Mum suggesting that. Shock

OP posts:
EpoxyResin · 15/01/2017 09:14

She's not your child so her food intake really isn't your issue

I do agree with this, but if she were my child I would consider it MY issue! I'd certainly want to know at least if her appetite was so voracious away from home that hosts were handing over whole packets of crackers to appease her...

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 09:14

OP, ask her parents to send snacks with her. Explain that she seems hungry but you are on a budget and can't give her a whole packet of crackers. If they say no, stop having her over. Sorted.

EpoxyResin · 15/01/2017 09:16

Credit me for my suggestion please Trifle!

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 09:17

EpoxyResin: Huh?

Rioja123 · 15/01/2017 09:18

She sounds very greedy. I think you should bring it up with her mum too.

EpoxyResin · 15/01/2017 09:18

I suggested that upthread.

RoganJosh · 15/01/2017 09:19

We used to have a similar friend. I think she was always given food when she was a tiny bit hungry, plus free reign on sweets etc. So maybe her stomach stretched etc.
Anyway. I didn't want to make the problem worse, but didn't want her feeling the most hungry she ever gets at our house.
So I used to give them a treat on the walk home, as she was used to this, a biscuit or those ten 10p haribo bags. I'd then roll out cut up veg and fruit and then tell them dinner wouldn't be long.
Then I'd serve dinner in a help themselves way, but serving up veg to make sure they had some.
I'd do pudding of ice cream and fruit.

Trifleorbust · 15/01/2017 09:19

EpoxyResin: Are you serious? Do you think you own that (reasonably obvious) thought or something? Have a Biscuit

KittyVonCatsington · 15/01/2017 09:21

I didn't say she had to agree but the way OP wrote it was rude. All she had to do was ignore it or say 'thanks for posting but won't choose to do that'. No need for 'bloody'

Another instance of rudeness was to Penelope

Of course you don't have to agree but posters are taking the time to post OP and I think you are being far to harsh in your responses to some people

EpoxyResin · 15/01/2017 09:23

No Trifle, I just uphold the MN norm of crediting other people on threads when I repeat their suggestions. I can't be arsed to fuck around today so I'm calling you out for not bothering. Don't want to derail, you could have had some good grace about it and just said "oh yeah, great minds" or whatever, but cheers for the biscuit.

Rude.

Original poster
user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 09:23

Kitty I assure you that it wasn't mean to be rude. I'm from North England....if you imagine me saying "I'm not making bloody cheescake!" in a broad Yorkshire accent then you might get where I was coming from.

I write as I talk and as a Northerner it sometimes comes out abrupt.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1477282676 · 15/01/2017 09:24

Epoxy I'm sure she didn't read the whole thread, so didn't know that you'd also suggested that.

OP posts: