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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

367 replies

User100 · 14/01/2017 21:02

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

OP posts:
Moomoomango · 15/01/2017 19:25

We pool all our money into one joint account which pays bills household etc then have a stream of exactly the same amount which goes out of our joint into our personal acs. We do this because we have such different spending habits it makes it fair. He spends a lot, I like to save and maybe splurge here and there. We don't squabble over how much the other one has spent as its completely equal split.

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 19:31

@Dulcimena

Didn't read the whole thread obv.

It is an each to their own thing really.

I suppose I may be seen as provocative by encouraging a bit of independence for each partner financially anyway!

One never knows what is around the corner though.

Always be prepared!

SpartacusWoman · 15/01/2017 19:38

Loads and loads of pps have explained why having their own bank account is not usually about not trusting their spouses, it's often the total opposite. But people keep insisting they must not trust each other, why?

There's plenty examples of joint accounts showing that one spouse is left with nothing when a relationship breaks down. I haven't seen any posts where keeping their own account with some funds in has caused fucks ups on divorce. It may not be for everyone, but some people seem to be offended at the idea of a couple having seperate accounts because they are happy with it.

I do think it's naive to insist you'll never ever seperate or that if you do the other joint account holder will be amicable and fair, but if one account works for you, then that's fine, but it doesn't make your marriage stringer or better, or that people who do something different don't love and trust each other just as much. I really can't get my head around why people keep insisting otherwise.

It's like when drinkers can't get their around someone not drinking or being tee total and insist that people who don't drink at parties or whatever are odd, weird, miserable, can't have fun.

I've often wondered why some drinkers feels so uncomfortable about someone else's choice not to drink alcohol that they have to make negative comments about that person and can't just drink what they want and leave the non drinker to not drink. This thread has genuinely made me wonder what is is about a married person having their own account that makes some of those with only joint ones so uncomfortable/annoyed/offended or whatever that they also have to make negative comments rather than just assume other people do what's best for them.

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 19:45

Seems to me that the default option is joint account and nothing else.

Maybe there is not much left over to justify separate accounts in some instances. Fair enough.

But where there is, and each partner is earning enough to contribute to the joint household income then I really cannot fathom why each partner would not want to have a separate account for themselves.

We do this, but I wonder if we are unusual? Don't care really, just wondered. Thanks.

GoodGirlGoneWrong · 15/01/2017 20:12

Separate finances here. It's all family money, doesn't matter who's account it's in.

Partly because we are too lazy to open one Blush and partly because when we met one of us had a poor credit history and we didn't want to muck the other ones up.

DH pays 80-90% of the bills I pay 10-20% (DH full time, I work part time) we transfer money between our accounts on a basis of who needs what. This has worked for nearly 10 years.

All major household items e.g. New washing machine were out on a credit card and paid for by both of us, neither of us are massive spenders (in my case not through choice, just lack of funds Wink) I certainly don't ask DH if I want to buy anything and he doesn't ask me. It may be discussed if we can afford it, normally when discussed it means we can't and have to wait a month or two.

It works for us. Just as having joint accounts work for other couples. No right or wrong way of doing things.

I do have a secret account which DH knows nothing about and I pay into around £5 a month, the reason for this is a very close friends DH royally fucked her over by her ex DH and he left her with nothing, it's just a small safety net incase I ever need it, I have used it once or twice to help with stupidly lean times (DH was made redundant and we needed to eat)

MouseLove · 15/01/2017 20:31

Everything goes in and out of one account. There's no mine and yours in our relationship and that includes money. So what that I've earned more than my DH for the last 13 years, to some that would be well you deserve to spend more, but to me, that's bonkers!! I'm married to him until the day I die. I could not fathom asking him for half of the milk money. 🙄

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 20:48

@MouseLove

I know, you do what is right for you.

But others have different views and that's ok too right?

Never know what is around the corner, or what life can throw at you either.

Always be prepared for those things that we think will never happen to us.

It is common sense.

Why would anyone male or female give up an independent fund when they contribute 50/50 to the household, or whatever ratio.

I am sorry, I just don't get that.

gamerchick · 15/01/2017 20:51

I could not fathom asking him for half of the milk money

Yeah coz that's what we do isn't it? Hmm

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/01/2017 20:55

Over 30 years together and never had a joint account.

Ab1000 · 15/01/2017 21:28

Gamerchick. I have a friend who had to give her receipts to her husband for personal items she purchases. So yes some people go have to justify expenditure within a joint account. Couldn't imagine anything worse

gamerchick · 15/01/2017 21:37

I'm with you man, that's why I'm happy with my own account. I don't have to justify bugger all Grin

The only conversation we have about money is if there's enough in the accounts to be comfortable. No discussions, no arguments, just plodding along quite happy.

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 22:08

@gamerchick.

Yessss.

Wallywobbles · 15/01/2017 22:22

I think your set up works in the U.K. OP.

We live in France. We do have a joint account but my costs are probably 5x that of DH. We own property separately, which remains separate if we divorce. Pré-nup is standard here. Currently no common assets. Both have 2 kids. No mutual kids. I have 100% my kids he shares his 50/50, although we have them a bit extra-maybe a month a year. No maintenance paid or received.

He pays the mortgage of our future home at about 12k€ a year. I will be buying half of it when I've sold my primary residence and then investing another 50k€ in the renovation. I will put about 24k€ into the joint account to cover bills not including food. I have 3 or 4 x his income.

So in this case all money being family money doesn't really apply.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 15/01/2017 23:34

A friend has no idea what her husband earns as they have separate bank accounts

I don't know what my husband earns and he doesn't know what I earn. We have always had separate bank accounts. We have a very comfortable life but our finances are separate.

MardyBra · 15/01/2017 23:43

Married over 20 years and never had joint accounts. DH earns more than 15 times than me (I stepped off the corporate ladder and set up a business with family friendly hours after kids). He pays all the mortgage, council tax, household bills, major house purchases, school fees, holidays and whatever I order on supermarket delivery goes to his account.

I spend what I earn on me and if I'm short, he'll transfer some over.

Works for me ;-)

EagleIsland · 16/01/2017 00:05

We are married, and have always had joint accounts. It works for us we share everything I earn 90% of the household income. Used to be a 60:40 split. Mortgage is in joint names, so are credit cards.

I don't understand how people don't know what there partners earn. How do you apply for loans or mortgages if you don't know what the budget is?

Sunbeam18 · 16/01/2017 00:06

Never assume you know what the future holds!

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 16/01/2017 00:27

Couldn't care less how other people organise their finances - if it works for you, then lovely.

Never had a joint account (married 20 years this year) DH earns more than me, so pays the bulk of the bills (rent, utilities, council tax, monthly bulk internet shop) Out of mine comes all car expenses (he doesn't drive), clothes, my personal bills, all other food shopping, mobile phone bills (been meaning to swap his over to his account for about 2 years but cba) Luxuries or ad hoc expenses get paid by whoever has spare cash at the time. Ditto with bulk expenses - he has an Argos card, I have a credit card, I think I bought the freezer and the fridge but he paid for the washing machine and the last TV Grin Neither of us particularly keep track. It works for us.

KERALA1 · 16/01/2017 07:22

Yes all very well and it works for you now but if your Dh was suddenly unwell and unable to access his accounts would you have enough to get by? It could take months for you to get access to accounts in his name if you are not a joint account holder and don't have an LPA.

ShotsFired · 16/01/2017 07:26

SpartacusWoman your post of Sun 15-Jan-17 19:38:04 is spot-on.

Very well said.

KERALA1 · 16/01/2017 07:35

Personally cannot imagine Dh "clearing out" our joint account and running off with his secretary. A bigger risk in my eyes is him getting knocked off his bike meaning I would have to deal with all his affairs as well as my own.

If we were separate without a property and financial lpa I would be stuffed as I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage on my own if he were alive yet out of action. How you manage accounts beteeen you rather depends which scenario worries you more. I have seen the latter happen but not the former.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/01/2017 07:47

I have seen the latter happen but not the former.

Actually I have seen the former happen a few times.

It has taken years and a court to sort it.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 16/01/2017 08:05

I can access DH's accounts if I needed to, but why would I? All the bills are DD so would be automatically paid, I have an income of my own and money coming in. If he was long term sick and our income dropped that dramatically to seriously impact our lives, having a joint account would be irrelevant to our financial issues.

KERALA1 · 16/01/2017 08:14

Not an issue for you then then. For many people that's not the case. Like I said it's personal. Cannot imagine Dh in any circumstance clearing our account and running off unless he had a blow to the head or something.

KERALA1 · 16/01/2017 08:16

Actually he doesn't know our banking passwords so actually he would be the stuffed one oops Grin