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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

367 replies

User100 · 14/01/2017 21:02

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

OP posts:
AnotherUsedName13 · 15/01/2017 14:19

Those many of you with separate accounts who have said that any money left over after transferring out for bills is "mine to do with as I wish" - do you spend it?

We don't have a mortgage or any debts so no overpaying on that. We both put a fixed amount into joint savings and then I put a fixed amount into my personal savings. Plus we both have pensions. Then after that, that is my spending money. I don't feel irresponsible - we have a decent savings cushion, we live within our means and beyond that I don't feel bad about spending money on (for example) some new flowers for the garden, or an expensive new lens for my camera (photography is a big passion) or some decent MAC make up instead of Maybelline. No idea if that counts as frittering. Maybe, in which case you definitely couldn't live with me. But thankfully I have DH who is ok with that. Smile

SusanneLinder · 15/01/2017 14:19

I had a joint account with my ex. He cleared it and fucked off with his new woman and left me with nothing, despite my wages having gone into the account that day. I had kids to feed and had to end up borrowing from my mum and getting an overdraft.
I am remarried and we have a joint account for bills, but thats it. After bills are paid, we have our own money to do what we like with. We earn similar salaries and holidays, Christmas etc is just split down middle. Have been married 19 years now and we have argued over money about twice in that time.
I am better at money management than he is.

AllTheLight · 15/01/2017 14:20

Married 13 years. Joint finances but separate accounts - we move money between them without keeping track.

RandyMagnum2 · 15/01/2017 14:22

Joint account for bills and mortgage here. I pay in about £100 more a month than my partner, I'm earning usually at least double what they earn at the minute.

n0ne · 15/01/2017 14:25

We have separate accounts - all the direct debits go out of DH's, while I pay the mortgage. But whoever's flush pays for stuff, and if either of us are short, the other one transfers money over, no questions asked. So it amounts to the same thing - all money is available to either party.

KayTee87 · 15/01/2017 14:26

Well we have a joint bills/food/baby stuff account, a joint savings account then our own personal accounts and it works perfectly for us. We just pay a certain amount into both joint accounts each month and then whatever is left in our personal accounts is our own spending money.
One month I might want to spend £400 on clothes and would rather do that without having to ask DH if it's ok as it's coming from my money rather than our money. Also when buying Christmas presents etc I mainly order online and if it was coming from a joint account he would see where I'd ordered his gifts from. Obviously if either of us was ever short then the other would give them money no questions asked so it's not like one of us goes without while the other spends.

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 14:31

One joint account here for bills, car service, fuel, insurance, furniture, house repairs, meals out, food, holidays - anything householdy that we both use. yada yada.

No mortgage now, and no kids sadly, but that's another story.

We each have separate accounts after that for our own spends. I like the independence of it and will never give it up. There is something reassuring about having your own fund. Never know when it will be needed either.

When I look at some threads here and the escaping partner has no access to any money, well as much as I hope it will never happen to me, no one knows.

Again, each to their own, it works brilliantly for us. And we also have each others pin codes and internet banking passwords. I haven't looked in five years, and I doubt he has either. Trust each other I suppose.

A potential running away fund is essential.

Stilitzvert · 15/01/2017 14:43

We have a joint account for bills and schools fees, joint savings and separate current accounts. DH earns far more than I do yet it seems to work itself out. I like having my own money to do my own thing. Nobody asks me why I've been to the hairdressers or what I've been clocking up in Zara and if I really needed 3 trips to Starbucks in a week. Likewise, if DH wants to waste his money on more shit for his computer or more useless wires on Amazon it's none of my business. Friends who have entirely joint finances often say that their husbands have had a go at them for spending xyz or that they can't believe that they have done abc. We've been together 20 years and have never had a disagreement about money. Big purchases come from joint savings and we make those decisions together but otherwise, nothing on this planet would get me to share one pot

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 14:56

@ Stilitzvert

I wouldn't share one (non household) pot either. Not that I would be questioned or interrogated either mind. If that happened I'd LTB on hot wheels.

But the thought would always be there, and vice versa. We are all nosey individuals at the end of the day. "What did you spend 500 quid on in Zara. That's ridiculous." You get the drift. It could happen though, I am well aware of control creeping in!

I Just like having my OWN money to do with what I want anytime I want.

Independence within a relationship works for us, but I am not saying it is for everyone either. Depends on the circumstances.

Alwaysfrank · 15/01/2017 15:01

Anotherusedname - sorry just to clarify my last sentence about not being able to live with someone irresponsible with money was not meant to be connected to the "frittering" mentioned in the previous paragraph. Some had posted that they have separate finances because their partner is irresponsible with money and can't be trusted to not spend the mortgage money - that's what I meant I couldn't live with!

AnotherUsedName13 · 15/01/2017 15:18

Friends who have entirely joint finances often say that their husbands have had a go at them for spending xyz or that they can't believe that they have done abc. We've been together 20 years and have never had a disagreement about money. Big purchases come from joint savings and we make those decisions together but otherwise, nothing on this planet would get me to share one pot

Absolutely this! In the very early days of our relationship DH and I shared a flat with another couple who had joint finances. I swear, they had some kind of slightly snarky discussion every month - he thought the amount she spent on make up was ridiculous and wasteful, she got annoyed at him buying computer games. There was so much judgement happening. I get that isn't the case in every relationship, but I just feel so much better feeling like it's not an issue for us.

Alwaysfrank - OK Smile I understand. Misread before. No, I don't think either of us has ever frittered away the mortgage money. But I do know one couple where the man is genuinely awful with money. I guess it all depends on what you prioritize in a partner.

Alwaysknackered79 · 15/01/2017 15:39

Having a joint account doesn't mean you have to 'justify' spend - you trust each other to spend with your joint means.

gamerchick · 15/01/2017 15:41

Yes and not having a joint doesn't mean one is poorer than the other! ^^

See how it works now?

freddyshoe · 15/01/2017 16:10

DH and I have separate accounts but view our household income as joint. For us it's better to keep finances separate 'on paper' because my credit rating is much worse than his (discharged bankrupt) so it means his credit rating isn't linked to mine. Means we can get better mortgage rates based on just his income/credit. It also means his tax returns are simpler as all his bank statements are just based on his income/spending.

DH has a much higher income than me and pays for all the fixed expenses like mortgage, bills, holidays and family days out. He transfers a lump sum to one of my accounts on an irregular basis - I never really have to ask him to top it up as he tends to add more before I need to ask. I pay for day to day expenses out of this - food, clothes, sports lessons, makeup. I have another bank account in my name where my small wage goes, and most of my regular direct debits come out of that - sports fees, contact lenses etc. When I buy treats for myself, sometimes it'll come out of one account and sometimes the other, it doesn't really matter to me. We don't ask for permission to spend money and don't have any discussions on splitting of expenses, we never 'owe' each other money as we see it all as one pot. DH pays when we go out together or as a family, so no need to work out who needs to pay what. If it ends up with me paying for something (e.g. because it's easier for me to queue or he's forgotten his bank card) then it doesn't matter, to me it's all come out of 'household money' regardless of which account it comes from.

Neither of us question each other about our spending habits or need to justify anything we pay out for (except as a way of saving the household money, e.g. whether we should continue paying for a subscription or switch to a cheaper supplier). Generally we have enough household money that neither of us is going to complain if the other goes on a bit of a splurge, or buys something that the other thinks is a waste of money.

Ab1000 · 15/01/2017 16:30

If you have a joint account and you buy your other half a present, aren't you just spending their money on buying a present for them. It's always seemed strange to me. But then I've always had my own money so if I treat dh its with my money and therefore a genuine present

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 17:03

I will reiterate the absolute necessity of a separate fund if things should go pear shaped.

The running away money if you like.

A joint account can be cleaned out in a day.

Just saying. Forward planning for something that might NOT happen is better than sitting in floods of tears with nothing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/01/2017 17:11

you aren't committing fully to the marriage always having an eye on an escape route just in case - then you wonder why it hasn't worked/failed.

This has made me laugh, as it seems to me like someone who could be controlling would say.

Besides I have already been caught out, by a cheating spouse that emptied the house, bank account and then came back for the equity on the property.

So If its ok with you OP I will keep a separate account from now on.

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 17:32

@ Boney Back.

I agree fully. Sorry for your troubles too re (former I hope) spouse.

One just never knows. So it is very sensible to have a back up fund in your own name. If possible.

FuzzyCustard · 15/01/2017 17:39

My husband and I have separate finances and separate bank accounts/ savings/ pension funds etc. Doesn't cause either of us one moment of unease. And it's no one's business but ours.

reallyanotherone · 15/01/2017 17:39

Another thing-

My parents had one joint bank account. When my dad died very suddenly i remember the bank freezing all the accounts until the post mortem, will etc was sorted. Mortgage, current account, cards, the lot.

She was left with two young kids and no access to money at all and a funeral to arrange.

So yeah, i'd never not have my own account.

CookieDoughKid · 15/01/2017 17:40

I am not married to 'd' h, not a single asset is in dh's name and I will never ever have a joint account because if we did he will blow the whole lot faster than I write this post. Some people are terrible with managing money. We have been together 10 years and 2 dcs and I will never ever marry him. I can't risk our kids inheritance on bailiffs and county court judgments and yes we are well aware how vulnerable my dh iso if we ever split up. But what am I supposed to do? His last porsche got taken by bailiffs. He earns it. I spend and safeguard a proportion. He burns the rest.

Dulcimena · 15/01/2017 18:46

Can't believe this thread's still going. Also can't believe that there are that many people that think their way is the only way. The world hasn't yet exploded because different couples have different financial arrangements Grin

extrabiotin · 15/01/2017 19:05

@Dulcimena

The financial arrangement that you are BOTH happy with is the best one.

Every person male or female needs a bit of independence though. Once that's gone it's a Stepford Wife/Husband scenario. TBH.

Dulcimena · 15/01/2017 19:08
  • extrabiotin, Yes, that's rather my point (admittedly, made about 10 pages back)!
19lottie82 · 15/01/2017 19:12

My DH and I don't have a joint account. He gives me money for half he bills and they come out of my account.

Reasons being

1 - he had a crap credit history so don't want that dragging down my fantastic one.

2 - as per above he's useless with money. If we had a joint account and I could see all the £ he was lifting and blowing on rubbish.......... I've got palpitations at just the thought of it. If this was the case it would just cause endless stress / fights.

This method works perfectly for us. People who say you should have joint finances when you're married, why? I don't quite understand?

Don't get me wrong if I need anything and I ask him, he will give me it and vice versa but our method works for us.