to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

[User100]

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

Tbh - I had no idea until I came in MN and read these kind of threads that married people maintain separate finances. I can understand it perhaps if one person is a gambler or spendaholic and the other partner is trying to support them with this, but otherwise it seems utterly bizarre. How can you trust someone enough to bring a child into the world with them, but then not have the trust to share finances, which is a minor thing in comparison surely? I think these threads are skewed because obviously lots of people will come in to state their reasons for separate finances, but it's hard to see how it ultimately doesn't come down to self-protection or lack of trust.
That's not to say, of course, financial abuse doesn't take place in situations where couples share finances. If someone has experienced abuse in the past, it's understandable that they would want to protect themselves going forward.

I agree OP.

Definitely separate bank accounts here. My H is dreadful with budgeting and would just spend it all on crap and then we would have nothing left to live off.
Bills and expenses are split into percentages of income, we have no debt/mortgage or other monthly payments, no credit cards and no overdraft facility.
If we had a shared bank account I would get annoyed very quickly that he was buying stuff that I didnt think was necessary and leaving us without money for going out, holidays, buying gifts for family etc

We have a joint account where we both put the majority of our income and is used for mortgage, bills, insurance, food, joint nights out and holidays and also for paying off joint credit card. But I also feel it's important to have access to my own bank account and money too!

On the basis that if you divorce money goes 50:50 generally

No, it doesn't, especially if you have children.

For example, db, happy marriage, joint accounts, 3 young kids, savings, isa, relatively low mortgage, nice, new family car.

Unbeknown to him his wife is sleeping with her colleague. One weekend she asks him to stay our parents because she "needed some space". Changed the locks, and he has never been allowed back in the house, as OM moved in.

By the time he realises, all the joint accounts and savings accounts are empty, and she's taken out an overdraft. Stuff for home improvements and the kids, apparently.

Court accepted this, so no money to split. Overdraft is taken off the house value. Roughly £150k equity in the house, he gets £15k and he had to take her back to court twice to get it as that's all she can increase the mortgage to in her sole name. She has to buy him out as another man is living there, and can't be made to sell as it's the kids home.

She keeps the car, needed for the kids, and everything in the house as he'd have had to go round with bailiffs as she wouldn't allow him in to collect anything.

So after solicitors fees are paid, db got pretty much nothing. Certainly no where near 50%.

It's a nice idea that everything will be split fairly, but it very rarely happens.

Careful mum say too much and mumsnetters may explode all over the place everywhere

We are completely joint.

After we were married we still had separate accounts each and a joint one for bills. This continued well into my maternity leave (as I had a notion that I must be an independent woman). However, it soon turned out that I was always overdrawn as I was stubbornly trying to lay my own way as before. Dh came to me and said, my money is 'our' money. Let's just have s joint account.

From that day on it's worked like a dream. 12 years on, Dh does all the internet banking. I'm self employed and have sporadic earnings (advances, royalties etc). When 'my' money comes in he tends to save most it. He shows that he put x amount in the tax account, x amount in savings etc. We've never had an argument about money and I've never felt 'dependant' on anyone. Any massive purchase gets planned and discussed. If I wanted a £100 pair of boots (and knew we could afford it) I'd buy without discussion or comment.

I don't give one mind what others do, but I don't like it when people who do different somehow think like I'm a kept woman or something. I earn virtually the same amount as him.

No was married 17 years to a man who was totally irresponsible with money. Seperate finances otherwise we would have been homeless
I would never share bank accounts now- not sure I'll ever trust anyone enough

I would not think having separate accounts automatically means you don't trust each other. Quite the opposite in fact.

One account for us.. Its our money. Funny how people are happy to be life partners but when it comes to finances its seperate. Imo thats true committment.

. How can you trust someone enough to bring a child into the world with them, but then not have the trust to share finances, which is a minor thing in comparison surely? I think these threads are skewed because obviously lots of people will come in to state their reasons for separate finances, but it's hard to see how it ultimately doesn't come down to self-protection or lack of trust.

We both have a current account which our salaries go into and we pay prorata into a jt account. Savings are joint. I like to be able spend what DH would consider mental money on shoes or face cream or lipstick. And he can equally spend his money on running watches and camera stuff! I have a friend who has to justify why she needed £10 shoes from Sainsbury’s. Not that DH would do that he's far too chilled

Note to self: tell DP of 16 years and father of our two children (achieved by the way after years of heartbreaking infertility and numerous miscarriages which we faced - y'know - together) that we are not ACTUALLY committed because we retain individual accounts.

Seriously. Why does how other people organise their own money bother people so much? It's like the SAHM/WOHM debate where people feel it's necessary to deride other people's choices as a means of somehow convincing yourself you made the right one. Own your choice and leave others to make theirs!

Yeah it reminds me a bit of when game of thrones fans get all personally offended when you say you don't like it.

Its a total none issue and really bordering on strange.

Also having to have conversations such as these 'i paid for dd's lunch last week, now it's your turn' or
'let's go halves on dd's ticket' or going halves on a meal out

makes me cringe.

If you are happy to trust them enough to marry them you should be happy to trust them with your money.

I wonder what the demographic of people replying here is? Age and profession-wise.
MNHQ you should let us do polls!

I ask as I've brought up professional fees / expenses/ indemnity before and think I'm the only one. Frankly I don't want to have to send bank statements to HR and my professional body that show how much we spend on our mortgage, ridiculous virgin package etc. But I do need to prove it's my "main" account i.e. have my salary paid there.

A large group of colleagues in my field keep in touch on an app called Slack where you CAN do polls.

So I pinged them this thread and got opinions. After being gently mocked for being on MN I have established that all who are either married or in LTR with kids have joint plus own accounts or just their own accounts, except one who is married to a scaffolder (earns maybe 1/10 of her salary) who didn't even have a bank account when they met! It's a fairly incestuous field and loads of us are married to people in this or related fields. No SAHPs and full pay on mat/pat leave.

This is about 40 odd people, most in first marriage/LTR and most under 40. I do wonder if "demographics" in that sense plays a part in what seems normal.

Personally, I find it insane that some people see their way of managing money as the only reasonable way. If separate accounts work for some couples, why is that a problem?

We have a joint account, but it effectively functions as my account - DH has access to it but barely touches it. We also each have separate accounts.

In our situation, I earn several multiples of what DH earns, so I pay most of the bills from the "joint" account. I also use that account and a separate account for my personal expenditure. DH generally uses his own account for his own personal expenditure, but will dip into the joint account if needed. We both have separate savings, and we both overpay lump sums on the mortgage from time to time.

As the higher earner, I don't really care if our money is joint or separate as I've never felt that I have to justify my spending to anyone. If I was the lower earner, I would absolutely want my own separate account in order to feel financially independent.

Totally agree with the OP, we've always done things on the basis of one account, the money both of us earn goes into the same account and expenses come out of it. I wouldn't go out and spend hundreds on some new gadget without it being discussed, and neither would DH.

Unless there are some reasons like one partner being bankrupt I can see no reason for not having joint accounts. The threads which wind me up the most are the "DH earns £500k but gives me £20 a month, is this fair?"

I don't understand separate finances outside of having separate children. What's the point? Don't you envisage your holidays, retirements, and wills, etc as joint endeavours?

I love the idea that having joint bank accounts is the only true indicator of commitment- not raising children, or getting married, or buying a house together

Although- get this, I bought our house because dp couldn't make it to mortgage appointments - omg our relationship must doomed.

*museum - yes of course we do. Retaining a degree of financial independence and having a shared vision of the future are not mutually exclusive.

Also in the threads here where a SAHM posts or ask advise about home finances or not having access to money because the main earner (husband) controls the account or even the main earner has bank accts in only their name (which is mostly the husbands- take note I say mostly as I don't want to be accused of generalising) the general consensus is to gain access/the money is not his but THEIRS, they have to protect themselves etc etc..

So in that scenario the main earner keeping their own acct is unacceptable?

Double fucking standards.

And yes I am aware that some people are terrible with finances, get into debt, reckless, fair enough..

We have joint account and finances, it would be too much hassle to have them separate. The only time it's weird is when we buy each other xmas/birthday presents as it feels like I have paid for half of my own gift or DH has paid for half of his. It also shows up on the statement for the joint account so makes surprises difficult!
We are friends with a married couple who keep their finances separate. They even work out their own individual share of the bill in restaurants and pay for exactly what they have each had which just seems crazy for a married couple!

I think a lot of people are making the assumption that separate accounts means separate finances, but that isn't necessarily the case. DH and I believe that all assets are shared, and we don't keep track of who has paid what for what. Generally, I tend to pay for stuff if we're out together, from the "joint" account which primarily consists of my earnings, but sometimes DH will pay for stuff too. Sometimes one of us will "borrow" a tenner from the other if we have run out of cash, but there is no expectation that it will get paid back!

In our situation, as dh's earnings are so small in comparison to mine, it makes sense for me to cover the bills. I can't imagine insisting that he should pay his money into a joint account so that I can have my fair share of it. If the roles were reversed, I would absolutely want to keep my money separate and not have it sucked into a much bigger pot.