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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

367 replies

User100 · 14/01/2017 21:02

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

OP posts:
Postagestamppat · 14/01/2017 21:15

Separate accounts here. But we have had financial abuse and debt issues. This is the best way of both of us being responsible and keeping tabs on our spending.

spencerreidswife · 14/01/2017 21:16

My DH & I have joint account. With him being the higher earner he pays more into it that I do. From that comes mortgage,bills,food shopping, stuff for children & family outings. Plus my car expenses ( as my car is used mainly for ferrying kids around & DH has company car)

We also have a separate individual account that we use for personal spending & to put towards individual savings.
I do however have friends who have no kind of joint account despite being married which I do find strange. If you are that committed to someone to get married & have kids with why not have some sort of joint account?!
We had a joint account after about a year of dating mainly to pay for nights out & holidays etc.

CripsSandwiches · 14/01/2017 21:17

YANBU as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how they make any kind of fair arrangement anyway as it always seems like one person takes on more of the burden with childcare etc and the other concentrates on their career. If you have drastically different incomes does one person have way more spending money than the other? I can't imagine having lots of money to spend on myself while my DH didn't and vice versa.

reallyanotherone · 14/01/2017 21:18

We have separate finances.

Dh learned the hard way- you say it'll all be "jointly split" but if your wife clears out all the joint accounts, including 20k of joint savings, before she tells you she wants a divorce, there is nothing left to split.

I pay all our bills. Mainly because the house is mine, and in my name, and will stay that way as we don't trust his ex to come after his share of the house should anything happen to dh. Dh pays for out and about stuff. If one of us is short, the other one pays.

No big deal. We still see it as joint money.

Lules · 14/01/2017 21:19

Only advice my mum ever gave me on marriage was never have a joint account so I would find it very weird. (She's been happily married for 45 years.) We have separate accounts and I would hate not to even though I earn a lot less than my husband (but he pays our rent and bills so it works out more equal). I like that I'm spending my own money on my stuff and he is for his. If we go out for a meal etc sometimes I pay sometimes he does. We don't keep track. I don't think there's a right way for everyone, different families do different things.

Autumnsweater · 14/01/2017 21:19

I agree OP seems crazy to me not to share accounts particularly if you have children. We have each had periods where one of us has earned significantly more than the other and would have found it very bizarre/selfish to go around spending loads whilst the other didn't have enough to treat themselves. Can't imagine. Particularly whilst one parent is on parental leave/not working in order to look after children etc - they are earning less for the good of the whole family so surely should have equal access to the money their other half is earning (hopefully also for the good of the whole family)?!

Nicnak2223 · 14/01/2017 21:21

OP I totally agree and that's how it's done in my house but I have friends and family who do things in weird and wonderful ways.

For instance I have a friend who is about to go on mat leave and is going to use her credit card for expenses as she still needs to cover her half of all household expenses even though mat pay is almost 2000 a month less than her salary! Her dh during this will still be using his disposable income for whatever he likes including saving....

Not sure who is paying for baby expenses in the above scenario!

MsAwesomeDragon · 14/01/2017 21:21

We have separate bank accounts, purely because we're too lazy to bother getting a joint one set up Blush We both consider all money to be joint, and we pay some bills each, it works out that we've both got roughly the same amount left over at the end of the month. Dh tends to save his (he hasn't got a pension, he'll be living off me and his savings when he retires), I tend to spend mine on things he'd consider to be frivolous (like chocolate and books) or nice things for the children or house (like a high sleeper bed for dd2 even though she's already got a serviceable bed)

PossumInAPearTree · 14/01/2017 21:22

Dh refuses to be financially transparent. We've been together nearly 20 years. I have no idea how much he earns (apart from it been over the child benefit threshold), have no idea how much savings he has but I suspect substantial.

He pays £800 a month for the mortgage and bills. I would say he still has at least 2k left after that.

I'm normally overdrawn and worrying about money by the end of the month.

thelostboy · 14/01/2017 21:23

We had a joint account all my money went into and most of my DPs, they also had their own account. Drove me fucking mad having to negotiate when I wanted to spend some of "our" money on something I wanted out of the joint account. Couldn't even buy them a present without them being able to see it.

I now have an account of my own as well. We each pay enough into the joint account to cover joint outgoings, we each get enough pocket money that we don't have to bother the other.

Marriage saved.

User100 · 14/01/2017 21:23

Strongmummy - "It is vitally important to me that I have my own money in my own account." Genuine question but why?

OP posts:
evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt · 14/01/2017 21:23

OH and I have separate accounts which our salaries are paid into, we then have a joint account for bills / food / car / childcare & some savings etc. We both transfer the same amount into the joint account and anything left in our own accounts is ours to do what we like with.

It works for us.

GladAllOver · 14/01/2017 21:24

We kept our separate bank and savings accounts, simply because we never saw the need to change it. Each of us pays certain bills - one pays the mortgage, the other pays household and utilities, etc.
It works perfectly well for us.

yabusothere · 14/01/2017 21:24

Me and DH have separate accounts. Always been this way, heard too many horror stories about one person clearing the account and running off with it.

I much prefer being financially independent

BiddyBooBiddy · 14/01/2017 21:24

We have 1 joint account like you OP. We opened it a few days after getting married 11 years ago and closed all other accounts. Off this account there are multiple savings accounts for various things.

gamerwidow · 14/01/2017 21:26

My DH and myself have been together 18 years and have never had a joint account. Everything is still split 50/50 for shared expenses like bills/food/rent/kids stuff/holidays but I like having our own accounts for luxury spends like days out, clothes, hobbies or impulse buys.
I think I would feel less comfortable spending on non essentials if I knew they were coming out of family funds rather than my own money.
Still each to their own, don't really understand why people with joint accounts get so worked up about couples with different financial arrangements though.

FoxyRoxy · 14/01/2017 21:28

We don't have joint accounts, never have. Bills are split between us. My credit isn't as good as his so I wouldn't want to taint his file in case we needed a loan or something.

reallyanotherone · 14/01/2017 21:29

Strongmummy - "It is vitally important to me that I have my own money in my own account." Genuine question but why?

Because either person can withdraw all the money from the joint account, then say they want a divorce. No money in the joint account means no money, unless you have your own account somewhere else.

There's nothing to stop a profligate spender buying a new phone or a games console out of the joint account, leaving no money for bills.

Lelloteddy · 14/01/2017 21:30

I was financially abused by my Ex husband for many years.
DP was financially abused and bankrupt by his Ex wife.

When we do get married it will be separate accounts with a % of our income pooled for household expenses. Your tone is incredibly scathing and judgey OP. Lots of people have walked a different path to you.

gamerchick · 14/01/2017 21:30

don't really understand why people with joint accounts get so worked up about couples with different financial arrangements though

I know man it's weird Grin do what the fuck you want with your finances.

SaltySeaBird · 14/01/2017 21:31

How do you buy each other gifts; big ones you save for or little treats? What if one of you want to save for something for a few months but the other wants to buy various bits?

We have a joint account for mortgage, bills, children, days out, meals out.

Our salaries are paid into our own accounts; each month most of our salary goes into the joint account by SO at the start of the month, we each retain a few hundred pounds for our own purposes.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 14/01/2017 21:31

My mum also gave me the "don't have a joint account" advice, which I thought was absolutely bonkers as all she and my dad did was fight over who was paying more bills from their individual accounts.

Me and DH have a single joint account - everything in and everything out. Big big things are discussed, but I'd never dream of "asking" to buy anything I wanted. Nor would he. Anything else would only lead to a problem, I think.

thereisnocheese · 14/01/2017 21:32

I've always insisted on individual accounts, I basically pay all out of my account and DH pays in an amount equivalent to half of our monthly expenses (childcare, mortgage etc) this has always been the case as the mortgage was solely in my name. I think we have one joint account which was set up when people sent us cheques when we got married. Works for us very nicely.

MrsWhiteWash · 14/01/2017 21:33

I consider all the assets, income and expenditure to be joint.
But we've never had a joint account.

Same here.

Though we do now have a joint saving account as house cheque apparently couldn't go in just one name - and frankly by that stage just wanted money of solicitors - it was money from sale not used on next house or on their fees - very small amount.

I had one friend couple who seemed to argue an awful lot because they had a joint account.

My parents have managed with separate main accounts and odd joint when needed one for forty plus years - even my MIL has a separate account form FIL - though they have joint one for bills again 40+ years of marriage.

yabusothere · 14/01/2017 21:34

don't really understand why people with joint accounts get so worked up about couples with different financial arrangements though

Yes with bells on!!!

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