to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

[User100]

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

Separate accounts here with a joint account for bills. carefully worked out to ensure one of us doesn't have hundreds of pounds disposable income more than the other.

it works. I prefer having my own money.

Absolutely agree that finances need to be transparent , fair and shared. Think the actual mechanics of how you do that can vary. Joint current account for everything is one way to do that, there are other ways.

I never shared a bank account when I was married. I value having my own financial independence, no way on earth would I ever share a bank account with anyone. My friend was married to a man she loved and trusted, one day she woke up to find the bank accounts cleared out and he'd bought a one way plane ticket out the country - he'd been having an online affair. She was absolutely up shit creek, all savings gone.

I'm not married any more but we split bills equal to our incomes, his was much larger than mine so he paid rent and the majority of bills while I paid for grocery shopping. Worked fine for us, and when we split up I had enough money in my own bank account to put down a deposit for a place for myself and DS.

Bitchqueeb - the joint account didn't make that guy a prat did it? He disrespected every aspect of marriage.
I'm not surprised you are divorced - to me keeping seperate accounts is akin to a prenup - you aren't committing fully to the marriage always having an eye on an escape route just in case - then you wonder why it hasn't worked/failed.

That's what I naively thought when I got married. Little did I know he was emotionally and financially abusive; wouldn't let me read paper statements and hid (repeatedly) my secure key so I couldn't get statements or balances etc.

I later found out his salary wasn't going into the joint account (he'd transfer a very small percentage in) so I was solely paying the mortgage and all of the bills, whilst he had money to play with. He was using the joint account to look at subscription porn (without my knowledge) and was also withdrawing MY cash. He took out £56,000 in 8 years. He also took out loans in my name, pay them into the joint account, used the money to pay for God-knows-what and I was paying them off. I can't have him done for fraud, as they went into a joint account.

He now has £150,000 in the bank from an inheritance. I get £150 a month maintenance for out DS

DH and I have separate accounts. He's awful with money and if we had a shared account, what little we have left after bills would end up being frittered away and I wouldn't get a look in!

As it is, I have a separate account for bills. He pays me a set amount each month and keeps enough money for his travel and general spending. I'm the higher earner so pay probably 2/3 of our bills and childcare but we share rent equally. I try to make sure we have an equal amount of general spending money after bills have gone out.

Works for us. I actually don't understand how joint accounts can possibly work as how do you make spending fair? But maybe it's not as issue if you have more money - as it is, we have so little left after our outgoings that any expenditure on 'luxuries' like clothes, socialising etc has to be very carefully budgeted for.

you aren't committing fully to the marriage always having an eye on an escape route just in case - then you wonder why it hasn't worked/failed.

Yeah bitchqueen- if only you'd had a joint account your ex wouldnt have cheated on you. Listen to Alway's wise words

Always I didn't say the joint account made the guy a prat 😂 I was giving an example of what can happen if you put all your eggs in one basket. You may think you know someone but you can find out that you really don't. And my marriage didn't work because I married at a stupidly young age (21) and I should never have done it in the first place. Finances were the last thing to do with it. I'm very happy not to be married any more, I was miserable in the marriage.

And if I ever married again and had assets I would definitely get a prenup. To me it's sensible. Protecting myself and my DS is more important to me than going blindly into something thinking it will last forever.

We had a joint account for many years but DH's ostrich approach to finances meant I had to take over paying the mortgage and nearly all the bills from my account.
Unbeknown to me he had run up the overdraft and the bank chased me to pay it off, although I hadn't used that account for probably 10 years- I didn't even have a current debit card for it.
It's fine if it works, it's not so good when problems arise.

Hmmm... i think seoerate accounts are geakthy as well as a joint. I think everyone should have a pool of their own money. You are still individuals.

We have a joint account from which standing orders are paid, bills paid and from which DH and I can draw cash.

We also have two joint credit card accounts which are paid off from that central bank account.

However, our incomes go into our own separate accounts. DH regularly checks these and transfers money from them to that central account or other places (savings, investments etc which are held either in joint names or mine).

Healthy even!

My parents don't have joint banking because my mother spends money compulsively and can't stick to a budget. She is always overdrawn and has huge credit card bills. Every so often Dad helps her clear it or she stops spending for a bit. He explained to me that they keep the finances separate so he can be sure there is always money for bills and the mortgage. My partner and I have separate accounts and each pay some of the bills but every month we put all the figures from all our accounts in a spreadsheet so we can see how we are doing. Whoever has the most money pays for the next holiday or big purchase and if neither of us can afford it we don't do it or choose something cheaper. I like not having to check what money my partner is spending before I go shopping etc as I know what I can afford.

I understand when people have had a bad experience in the past with a controlling or out of control partner that having your own cash flow would be important but one of the reasons I find it hard to understand the seperate money thing is because friends of mine using this system seem to puzzle over the oddest things. Who should pay for the meal out? Top up shop out of whose money? Holidays and treats? It also mostly is a disadvantage for the woman, especially if SAHM or working PT and seems to be used to control women. How many examples on MN that are married to high earners but are scrabbling to make ends meet at end of month?
When I got married, I said the words
"all that I am I give to you,
and all that I have I share with you"
To me, this means there is no HIS or MINE but everything is both of ours. I can see no justification in marriage for one partner being more wealthy than the other so whilst individual accounts are fine, the disposable income left at the end of the month should be shared equally in my humble opinion!!

I trust my DH with my life, let alone my bank account. But not everyone has the same sort of marriage. Some people are married to profligate spenders, or tight arsed misers, or they don't trust their spouses not to run off with all their money. Joint accounts would be a disaster for them.

People's personalities are different, and they need different ways to organise things, even within marriage.

My mum needed 'running away money' and was shocked when my DH and I set up joint accounts. She needed to know that if she wanted to she could up and go and he couldn't stop her.

Other people need to know that their DP won't invest chunks of savings in a 'really great get rich quick' scheme.

If you have had a partner or parent monitor your spending and quiz you about it, then you value privacy.

If you have had a partner start off looking wonderful then change into an abusive arse then you take certain measures before risking it again.

Re the 'half the childcare' thing, I think this was on a thread where the OP was being financially abused, and people were trying to show her that the balance of power and money sharing was off whack.

On the basis that if you divorce money goes 50:50 generally, I don't really see why you'd keep separate accounts unless one has money issues e.g. Can't manage it. The reasons on this thread don't bother me, my own money is money in the joint account. It's mine and it's his, and I can do what I want with it. We're both reasonable people so neither would buy something ridiculously expensive without making sure there was no bigger impact, and I'd still do that even if I had money in a solo account.

I should add that if there is a genuine addiction/gambling habit etc that needs to be managed then you have to do what works in that situation.

I found it demoralising having separate accounts. DH had loads in his so it looked like he was saving, and I had nothing in mine, because I paid most of the bills etc. DH said it didn't bother him, but I found it infuriating. After DS1 arrived, I insisted on a joint account, and things feel harmorr equitable that way.

What a waste of time and energy these people that have seperate accounts must spend working out who pays for dinner this time!you aren't committing fully to the marriage always having an eye on an escape route just in case - then you wonder why it hasn't worked/failed.

We do the income into personal accounts then a proportionate amount ( I work part-time) into a joint account to cover all bills, childcare, commuting etc. DP always pays extra in on top to cover child related outings/activities that I do on my non working days. He's left with slightly more disposable income than me but he nearly always spends it on the family anyway. I spend mone on Spa days

House/ mortgage in his name but we own it 50/50 as tenants in common. I have my own flat that I rent out which is solely in my name but I/we consider it a family asset.

We have a cash ISA in my name which is paid into every month from joint account. I generally administer the joint account. He rarely looks at it.

He has a seperate shares ISA. I don't know much about it. It contains an inheritance from long before we met. He administers that. I know roughly what's in it but any spending on larger items from it is always jointly discussed.

We have never ever argued about money in 16 years.

I agree with the PP - being in a relationship/marriage doesn't mean you have to relinquish your individuality. I would find it unacceptable not to have access to my own money. That is about my independence and sense of self and no reflection on my relationship with DP at all.

We have always had a joint account for bills and separate accounts for spending money. If you know that there is enough money in the joint account to pay all of the essentials, you then have peace of mind to spend money without checking the joint account or asking the other person, "is there enough for this"

I also think that each marriage is different. I don t care how much money DP has, how much he earns or how much he saves. He likes to buy luxury high price goods whereas I am more of a modest spender and saver. I value privacy in marriage and spending. Others believe everything should be an open book. It not a case of right or wrong, just what works for you
As a couple.

Both of us get a buzz from buying things for each other, from 'our own money'. I can never understand the gift buying if all money is lumped together.

So to sum up. On mumsnet you're supposed to keep your own name when you get married because yanno taking your husbands isn't the done thing for some mysterious reason.... But you're not allowed to keep your own bank account?!

Okie dokie then

We have both. We put a set amount in the joint account each month proportionate to our earnings (so I put in less as I'm part time) for mortgage, bills, childcare etc. Separate accounts for whatever's left. We don't chase each other for money if one of us pays for something out of their own account.

at *Gamerchick

I must be very confusing for MN. Not married (no intention of being) but (shock horror) have had children outside of wedlock. If I did get married I'd take DPs name. My children have DPs name. I'm not "on the deeds". We have seperate accounts.

I'm clearly going to hell in a MN handcart.