to think if you're married you have a joint bank account and joint finances

[User100]

So my wife and I have a joint bank account and joint fiances, all our money goes into and our of joint accounts. This seems to me entirely normal; the vast majority of our expenses are shared/family/kids e.g. mortgage, household bills, days out with the kids, grocery shop, kids clothing, kids clubs etc. Obviously there are occasional personal things (clothing, nights out that only involve one of us) but relatively minor in our expenses. It seems genuinely insane to me that we would keep seperate accounts then each pay half of the joint expenses - the admin would be a pain and we're married - even if we get divorced our assets would be split not on the basis of who owns them but as splitting things we own jointly.
I genuinely can't see any other way of looking at things but there is a theme in MN (and elsewhere) that suggests others view things differently. The recent example of this was a thread where someone said "I don't know why I bother working, my income barely covers child care" and numerous people responded "doesn't your husband pay half the child care". That question makes literally no sense to me (for the reasons outlined above). Can anyone explain what I'm missing?

kitty you're talking about a situation where there is financial abuse. Lots of posters who keep a degree of financial independence have said it works for them - if it works for both parties why does it bother anyone else or make it open season for you and others to comment negatively on the trust or commitment that exists in that relationship?

I don't care what people do who is married and who isn't. But I do find it odd when couples with children have discussions about who pays for what. Shared an office with a woman bemoaning living costs whilst married to an extremely high earner. If I ate steak whilst Dh had a burger I wouldn't consider that any sort of marriage.

Also make sure you are covered for if something awful happened - that you could access necessary funds if either became ill / accident / died.

"Our money" is our money: but we have never got round to opening a joint account. Only married 38 years, you know.

*museum - yes of course we do. Retaining a degree of financial independence and having a shared vision of the future are not mutually exclusive.

Do you mean as a protective measure should things go pear-shaped?

Or so you can buy things without interference?

I don't think it means you're uncommitted, I obviously have no idea what goes on in your marriage or anyone else's. It's more that I completely don't understand it - it makes sense to me only if one person intends to enjoy a higher standard of living than the other.

I can understand if one person is completely feckless with money, but even in this case it is kind of about one person safeguarding their standard of living - isn't it?

Museum From my perspective, I think anyone who thinks they know anyone else 100% is kidding themselves, plus good people do bad things, so I think it pays to know where the fire exit is in any situation, including marriage (hope for the best, prepare for the worst and all that). I hope Dh and I stick it out but I cant say for absolutely certain that we will. For all I know he could be a KGB agent in deep cover.

Also, there are a lot of misunderstanding around joint accounts- assets in joint accounts don't belong to the holders 50/50. It all belongs to both of them. Either person can clear out the account with zero penalty- it's totally legal.

It suits me to retain my own account, but that's somewhat based on personal financial circumstances and asset structure. If I was SAHM with no income, it might not be in my best interests. Hence, to each his own.

Mojito7 - it's not about trust. It's about what works for us. Like lots and lots of things in relationships and life in general and I don't really see why there has to be One True Way.

Personally, I like using multiple accounts. I get paid on the 28th of the month. I have a standing order on the 1st which takes my contribution to savings and bills and puts it in the joint account. I also automatically pay my credit card in full on the same day which covers groceries and petrol. That means for the rest of the month, I can look in my account and see what is there and know how to budget without needing to check in with DH.

I like that. If it helps, DH knows my PIN on my bank card for emergencies and we do transfer money between ourselves if needed. It isn't lack of trust. It's just a pattern which works for us.

No I don't get it - if it genuinely doesn't matter what money comes out of which one of yours accounts then why have two separate accounts at all!

I like having my own account, I like to save up and treat myself, I like to surprise DH with gifts, and most of all, I like to have financial independence. He's the same. We arent about to get divorced, having separate accounts really isnt an indicator of how happy a marriage is, despite some of the nonsense on here.

This subject comes up so often, and it's always funny how worked up some joint account people get and feel the need to judge the rest of us. It makes me think of the whole 'smug married' thing. Do what you want with your money, it really doesnt bother the rest of us with separate accounts....

We have separate accounts and always have. Unlike friends of mine I don't want to have to justify why I want those shoes or an eyebrow wax. I work so I make my own money we both contribute to the home but after that my money is mine. That's one of the reasons I wouldn't stop working I couldn't bear to be beholden to dh

museum different people will have different perspectivesizes and reasons. For me personally it's about independence. I don't believe that being in a committed relationship means DP and I have to be indivisible. I worked long and hard for my career. It's important to me that after I've made my contribution to our joint life that I what money is left is mine to do with as I please. Equally DP should be able to do what he wants with his left over money. We have friends from our lives before we met each other that the other hasn't met etc. We're individuals in a relationship not two halves of a whole.

I might not be explaining myself very well!

We have one historical joint account that was set up to pay for our wedding it has £93 in it and we laugh about it. We have calculated how long it will take for it to reach £100 with interest, we will both be long dead.

We have totally seperate accounts, I would imagine we are unusual in that if I wanted to I could just go out and buy a house as could DH with his money. We both like it like that, we are possibly divorcing but that's another story.

I have never had to justify a single purchase in my life to anyone thank God, sounds bloody awful.

This thread is making my head explode

First husband - joint account, split up, pain in the ass to have to go and close my half of the account, then him go and close the other!!

Second husband - My account mortgage, all household bills, his account, car, petrol, holiday, extras. When we split up, much easier, all household bills already in my account.

Third husband, My account pays for household bills, his account car stuff, he's unemployed at the moment so cant afford a lot.

I would never have a joint account again. I like my own independence.

We pay into the joint account to cover all our joint expenses then whatever left in our own bank accounts is ours to spend as we wish. It saves resentment over different spending habits plus means when we treat each other it's a bit more special

We have our own accounts plus savings and a joint account for bills. Our salaries go into our own accounts, and we each pay an amount into the joint account, proportionate with our respective earnings. House is in joint names, as joint tenants.

I'm not sure why you have to share absolutely everything just because you are married. And some investments can't be held jointly anyway.

However, I agree with the OP's point about childcare being a joint expense and not just paid by the lowest earner.

I think a lot of people are making the assumption that separate accounts means separate finances, but that isn't necessarily the case

This.

To say "married people must have a joint account, and only a joint account" is so simplistic. Every marriage and every family is different. Why do people assume that their way is the only way?

DH and I have retained the individual bank accounts that we had before we got married. We also have a joint account that we use for bills, mortgage, days out, stuff for DD or the house etc. We both pay into this account (proportionally to our earnings) but our salaries go into our own individual accounts. I know exactly how much DH earns and he knows how much I earn. The house is in both our names. We discuss all aspects of finances such as pensions, mortgage, shares etc. This idea that you cant have an equal marriage if you have your own bank account is crazy.

Another reason for a joint account is so that if anything happened "God forbid " to either of us we wouldn't have to wait for probate to access the money.

DH has reminded me that I did go back to a "single" account for a few years. We took his name off the joint account for a while as it was an interest paying account and as he pays higher rate tax and I pay none it made sense for all money and savings to be in my name. He still did all the admin on it and knew the Internet passwords etc. He is back on the account now as it no longer pays interest.

I'd probably have trouble getting a decent account on my own these days as they all seem to want a minimum of £1000 pm paid in and I don't get that much from my part time job.

Another reason i like having separate accounts is that dh is rather more frugal than I am. I like that I can spend MY money in whichever way I want, without him saying "you can't spend that much on that!" Like I'm buying a bed for 6yo dd2, he said "it's not worth spending more than £200 on a bed for a 6yo", but she wants a high sleeper with a chair bed underneath and it's impossible to get one with a mattress for less than £200 and we can afford to pay more than that so it seems a rather arbitrary cut off point. So I'm getting a more expensive one (from eBay, second hand, massive bargain IMO) and he can't complain because it's MY money rather than "family" money. Well, he can complain, but he won't get very far. If it was all joint money he'd a) be able to see easily how much I spend on things he considers "not worth it" but I'm happy to pay, and b) he'd have much more ground to complain about me spending "his" money, because some of it would be his.

I also like that if he decided to leave I could keep the house and dcs by myself because most things are set up in my name anyway.

worriedmum100 - I think you're making total sense. I feel exactly the same.

I love DH to pieces and I'll be with him until I die (I hope) but I also am my own person. He's my partner in life, but we're not a single unit. We're two whole people.

We have one joint account here and savings all in my name, pretty much. I don't need a running away fund because I could help myself to everything! I look after all the finances and have to remind dh how to log in to the bank account every now and again, in case anything happened to me. DH is the bigger earner by a long way,

As others have said, there is a big difference between separate accounts and separate finances. My in laws have been married over 50 years and have very separate finances, MIL has said she is not leaving her money to her husband if she dies first as she thinks he will remarry and it will all go to his new wife! I think this is terribly sad. They might give the children the odd bit of money when visiting and it's always "from grandma" or "from grandad". It seems a very odd way to live, to me and dh.

Those many of you with separate accounts who have said that any money left over after transferring out for bills is "mine to do with as I wish" - do you spend it? That's not how we think, at all. Dh doesn't spend much and I am hardly profligate but if we want or need something we buy it, but there's no sense of having spends left after bills to "do as we please". That sounds like a licence to fritter money away? Before kids any money left at the end of the month was paid off the mortgage.

I couldn't be with someone who was irresponsible with money, I'm afraid.

When I was married we had a joint account from which all the bills were paid. In theory I paid all the bills in there because he was rubbish at managing his money and could not be trusted with it. I viewed everything left over as mine and saved as much as I could.
He squandered all his left over money so at least when he left I had some money of my own, if all my money had been in the joint account I'd have been destitute.

totally agree. My DH and I have a joint account for the shared stuff (mortgage, bills etc) but our own for other things. I like it that we can each buy things for ourselves / whatever / a present for each other and we don't have to justify it to each other. lt's also lovely when one of us says to the other that it's 'my treat' as even after being married for years it's still nice being treated even if normally the lunch / coffee / whatever would come out of joint. It reminds us we're two people who choose to be together rather than two people who have to be.

Alwaysknackered79 I'm not surprised you are divorced - to me keeping seperate accounts is akin to a prenup - you aren't committing fully to the marriage always having an eye on an escape route just in case - then you wonder why it hasn't worked/failed.

So given that a prenup is just a type of insurance policy against an unexpected, unwanted and unknown event happening at some point in the future, I take it that you, Alwaysknackered also don't bother insuring your home, car, holidays or any expensive items you own then? Because they are just as unforeseen and unwanted and unknown.

I've never understood why some people care how other couples combine their money. What difference does it make to you? You do what works for you as a couple, not what your next door neighbours do. My dh and I have always had separate accounts and it's worked fine for 12 years. Since having our dd I've dropped to working two days a week. My dh pays nearly all bills (mortgages, electricity, gas, water, fuel, phone bills, internet, 50% food etc etc). I pay for stuff for dd, 50% food and nursery fees. We both have money left over for ourselves. If I were to run out of money then dh would give me some, but it's never happened so far as I am careful with the money I have left over. This arrangement, which incidentally was suggested by my dh, isn't for everybody but it works for us. When I go back to full time work then we will reevaluate and adjust our monetary contributions accordingly.

Why is it any of your business how other people do things? You think its insane, is it more or less insane that someone spending their time worrying about how other people do things?