Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To purposely create a child who'll be a minority?

250 replies

sweetgo · 13/01/2017 19:11

Hiya,

Currently looking at sperm donors. I think I've found the right one, he's Korean. I only have a little information on him, but obviously know he is Korean. This isn't a debate on people's views on sperm donors.

Child would be brought up in the UK, if successful obviously, and would be mixed race (1/2 Korean). Therefore, they would be a minority, is it wrong to worry about racism, etc.?? WIBU to purposely go for the Korean donor knowing they could potentially experience racism, etc.?

OP posts:
Namechangeemergency · 14/01/2017 15:57

does that also apply to adopted children?

There are very good reasons why children are matched closely to their adoptive parents. In fact it is more important (IMO) for adopted children than it is for DC children.

That is not to say that some parents don't do an amazing job in inter racial adoption but its not something I think is ideal.

My DS looks like his brothers. No one ever questions where he came from or why he looks different from the rest of the family.
It is one less reason for him to feel different.

JigglyTuff · 14/01/2017 16:21

It used to be that children were only placed with parents of the same ethnic profile but that meant that thousands of children spent their lives in care rather than going to white families. They have now relaxed the rules and do allow interracial adoption but will prioritise families with matching ethnic profiles. It's about what's in the best interests of the child.

ClaryIsTheBest · 14/01/2017 16:59

Can we also mention the fact that it depends on whether the OP plans on having more than one child and whether she's planning of having them all from the same donor?

I know a white couple that has adopted three black children. I think the situation would be different if that couple had one black and two white children, for example.

But ultimately, if the OP thinks that this donor is the best fit... well, I mean, going with a donor she doesn't like isn't a solution either. And sometimes there aren't many options, I've heard.

HopperBusTicket · 14/01/2017 17:41

Changed - my cousin is mixed race (white British / Chinese) and adopted by my white aunt and uncle. We're not really close enough as adults for me to ask him if he felt different growing up. It just was what it was. But I imagine their family did invite some questions.

I am certainly not anti families made up any mixture of ethnicities. Just that I want to make things as easy for my child as possible. He is already somewhat different due to the way he was conceived. Both his parents and brother look white and it was our choice he would also look white. Having said that it's actually very difficult to find a match as a black or minority's ethnic woman looking for an egg donor in the U.K. So in fact we would have to make big efforts to find a donor who wasn't white.

Good luck to the OP whatever you decide. Our son has brought a great deal of joy into our lives.

penguinpurple · 14/01/2017 18:31

I would also avoid this. Not primarily due to racism but more because of identity problems the child may face when there is no one else in the family with the same background as them. This is a completely different situation to if you had a partner from Korea who could support them and help them learn about their culture. Plenty of people with direct experience of this for themselves or their children have explained it is an issue so I think it's a bit naive to discount it.
Also the fact that you look different will mean it's harder to go under the radar and you will get lots more questions/comments which might not bother you and you may be happy to be totally open but your child may find it difficult to cope with and may want to believe able to go out and meet person without constantly being asked where their dad's from.

mumindoghouse · 14/01/2017 18:39

My kids are mixed. Occasionally nasty prejudice rears its ugly head. My DH deals with it sooo much better than I. He has lived with it all his life and has survival tactics. I get more upset.
Just be prepared.

ToastyFingers · 14/01/2017 18:39

I'm mixed race but don't know my biological father.

Growing up I did experience some racism, but the hardest part was looking and being different but having no-one to relate to.

I knew nothing about my culture so couldn't make like minded friends based on that, and as my mum and dad are white, I was judged as a white person, but I really don't fit the mold.

I think if you lived in a racially diverse area, then it wouldn't be a problem, but as you don't I really don't think it's a good idea.

Clarabellb · 14/01/2017 19:25

That's really sad you feel that way knitted

freddiemercury · 14/01/2017 19:29

I possibly don't have the right medical expertise to comment on this....and I'm sorry if I'm wrong. but I would look into medical things for example (heaven forbid he or she needs it) but I have a feeling that things like bone marrow donor matches etc might be more difficult to find...so I would look into that aspect. but otherwise if it feels right then go for it...good luck...xx

Namechangeemergency · 14/01/2017 19:46

That is spooky Freddie
I have been wondering whether to post that very thing.
I don't want to add to the mixed race = PROBLEM vibe but.....

It is one thing having a mixed raced child if you have a family of potential bone marrow donors (although its still tricky unless you get a sibling match) but another picking a sperm donor from a background you have no day to day connection with.

My OH is from the Caribbean but not one of the places with the largest UK diaspora. It is also already very mixed because its in South America.

We didn't get a BM match for my DD and she died without it.

I am still involved in that 'world' and regularly see pleas for BN donors with very specific ethnic matches. Iran and Irish, Greek/Tunisian/Swedish etc.

It is heartbreaking.

a1poshpaws · 14/01/2017 19:53

If it's worrying you at all, I don't think you should go ahead.

JigglyTuff · 14/01/2017 19:58

Oh namechange, I'm so very sorry SadFlowers

freddiemercury · 14/01/2017 20:02

I'm so terribly sorry namechangeemergency for your loss...just horrendous. biggest hugs. I remember reading about similar and a sibling was the only posdible answer.. it broke my heart...
but as I say I definitely am no expert it just occurred to me that it could be something to consider. xx

unicornpoopoop · 14/01/2017 20:05

I'm slightly confused by those saying the op would have to learn Korean culture. I'm from a mixed background - however when my grandad came over to England many years ago, he left behind all of his culture and embraced this culture instead. It's resulted in me knowing nothing of this culture and it's never been an issue...

riceuten · 14/01/2017 20:13

Why should it matter ? Mixed race kids are nowhere near the "stigma" they were decades ago.

HopperBusTicket · 14/01/2017 20:15

I'm so sorry namechange That must have been heartbreaking.

My son was born at a hospital that collects cord blood for the NHS bank and we were willing to donate but they won't collect it if you've used a donor.

JeffyJeffington · 14/01/2017 20:20

I'm mixed race and although i have experienced a lot of a the 'not belonging' feelings others have expressed, in some ways there are a great many positives. The inability of many to be able to put themselves in the shoes of someone of a different ethnicity just baffles me, and i hope it doesn't sound arrogant to say that being mixed race often makes it easier to consider the world from multiple perspectives. I hope we can get to the point as a society when more people can think more of the positives of having a mixed heritage child before they conceive, regardless of the method. I think though that the OP is right to question how well she could support a child of a completely different ethnicity of culture to her own and should research thoroughlu before taking her decision .

NotDoris · 14/01/2017 20:25

I'm married, we have 2 children, one of them from a donor. We had very little choice, in that we came to the top of the waiting list, were offered a suitable match, and accepted. We know very little about the donor, just eye colour, height, occupation etc, I think there is a letter for when our child reaches adulthood, but I'm not sure.
If I was a lone parent, I would definitely choose a donor who matched my ethnicity, I would want my child to have a sense of belonging that looking similar would bring. Having a teenager I know how important that can be.
Incidentally, our child doesn't know how they were conceived, I researched quite a bit when we first went into the process, but it's kind of been shoved to the back of our minds now, I'd be grateful if any forums/new ways of thinking could be passed my way.

HopperBusTicket · 14/01/2017 20:43

NotDoris - take a look at the Donor Conception Network website. They have lots of materials including guidance booklets for talking to children of different ages. They definitely favour 'telling' though so be aware of that if you'd prefer not to tell.

HopperBusTicket · 14/01/2017 20:46

www.dcnetwork.org/telling-your-child

IDontLookMyAge76 · 14/01/2017 20:48

My baby will be half Chinese, half English and yes, I do worry about racism.

However, teaching our children how to deal with difficult situations is all part of the job so itll just be another thing that we'll have to deal with if the time comes.

If you met someone you felt a connection with from a different culture then I'm sure you would be considering these questions then too and the fact that it's a sperm donor doesnt (for me) make it any more or less deliberate than if it were someone you'd met and formed a relationship with from the pub.

I'm actually glad you're taking this n to serious consideration because your childs experience will be very real. Please don't listen to ppl who say 'ppl don't see colour/we're all one race' etc because all it does is dismiss a person of colours experience.

BrondeBombshell · 14/01/2017 23:59

Im half irish half spanish and i like that.
not longing to be commonplace

BrondeBombshell · 15/01/2017 00:01

Of course i do realise that that does not garner the same questions that neing half korean might provoke

Shoulddobetta123 · 15/01/2017 00:29

Knitted blanket, It's sad to hear you say that because of your life experiences that you would choose to be white. I have 3 mixed race children, who seem to have the best of both cultures but obviously have also had to find their place in life where they feel comfortable. Children of mixed parentage are the fastest growing ethnic group in this country so attitudes are slowly changing

DailyFail1 · 15/01/2017 00:53

I'm half Indian and half Thai. Know Indians who look more Asian than I do. Know Thais and Koreans who look more Indian than I do. I know several half Korean/half Indian kids who look Scandinavian with their blonde hair and blue eyes. Asia does not have a racially homogenous profile even amongst countries/'races', so if you want to specifically breed a minority don't he disappointed if it doesn't work.