To purposely create a child who'll be a minority?

[sweetgo]

Hiya,

Currently looking at sperm donors. I think I've found the right one, he's Korean. I only have a little information on him, but obviously know he is Korean. This isn't a debate on people's views on sperm donors.

Child would be brought up in the UK, if successful obviously, and would be mixed race (1/2 Korean). Therefore, they would be a minority, is it wrong to worry about racism, etc.?? WIBU to purposely go for the Korean donor knowing they could potentially experience racism, etc.?

If you met someone you felt a connection with from a different culture then I'm sure you would be considering these questions then too and the fact that it's a sperm donor doesnt (for me) make it any more or less deliberate than if it were someone you'd met and formed a relationship with from the pub.

I agree. And the OP's choices might be very limited. Sure, Mrs Brown's boy loving hedge fund manager may be a bit of an exaggeration. But not wanting having a child with a Korean boyfriend would be dismissed as overly precious or even racist. And whilst it is imo different in the case of a dc child it still wouldn't make sense to go with the sperm of a guy whose profile she doesn't particularly like.

I'm actually glad you're taking this n to serious consideration because your childs experience will be very real. Please don't listen to ppl who say 'ppl don't see colour/we're all one race' etc because all it does is dismiss a person of colours experience.

100% agree with that. People that say that the OP is the one that 'isn't ready' because she acknowledges racism exists are imo really ridiculous.
It's a bit like saying that somebody is racist for acknowledging the existence of racism...

The only thing i'd be wary of, is that in the very unlikely event he needed a donor organ, bone marrow etc, it's much harder to find matches for mixed race people because there are far fewer donors of the same heritage.
I know it's incredibly unlikely, but in you position it is something that would be a factor for me.

For the posters who said it is a ridiculous question- I don't think it is at all.

My children are mixed race, we have had the odd blatant racism shouted out in the street, but I am finding it is the overt stereotyping/rascism that is much more damaging. For example that the dc only eat noodles, the dc are tutored in every subject (this came up in parents day last week) they must do a martial art etc. These sound like really small things but now they are older I can see how annoying and 'othering' it is for them. When we go to dh's country they juxtapose Western stereotypes onto them too, so from their perspective they aren't fully accepted anywhere.

A (white) friend of mine had a baby who was much darker than her (South Asian) husband, so did not look mixed race and she found it quite upsetting that it was always assumed that she was the child's nanny.

I suppose in answer to your question I would not proceed with this unless I was living in a diverse area and the child was exposed to people of lots of ethnic backgrounds.

My mind is boggled by the number of people on this thread who think a sperm comes with a culture attached.

But there is certainly a perceived culture attached, right?

'Where are you from?'
'Say something in 'Chinese'?' (Because all East Asians are from China, obviously. And let's forget that there isn't 'just' one Chinese language, anyhow,,,)
'Do you do karate?'
'Do you always eat rice?'
'Do you eat dogs?'
'What is your Korean name?'

All these things, not even necessarily overtly or maliciously racist, would come attached to the sperm. And genuinely malicious racism like slurs, extremely harmful stereotypes etc. as well...

My mind is boggled by the number of people on this thread who think a sperm comes with a culture attached.

My mind boggles at the people who claim colour isn't seen/doesn't matter. You might not attach a culture to a non white child/person but many people do, which countless discursive analysis studies have shown.

Where are you from?'
'Say something in 'Chinese'?' (Because all East Asians are from China, obviously. And let's forget that there isn't 'just' one Chinese language, anyhow,,,)
'Do you do karate?'
'Do you always eat rice?'
'Do you eat dogs?'
'What is your Korean name?'

This is so true. It is often assumed my dc are muslim so the old "would you like a bacon sandwich?" is thrown in every so often

I agree with PP. My children are biologically mine and their father's but he is darker than I am and one of my dc is darker than the other and I get a fair few questions. It's ok for me, I just bloody answer them, but if my children's father was in fact a sperm donor, their not matching me iyswim would open up a lot of questions that would force a decision 'truth or lie or obfuscate'. What is the point when you can make life simple

My adopted into a white family Korean friend had this - people kept on assuming she spoke Korean and/or was a tourist.

I read this thread last night before going to bed, but didn't comment on it, I rarely do. But this morning I woke up feeling sad, and I couldn't understand why I was feeling that way. Then I started analysing all the events and realised that it was actually this thread that made me feel sad. Being an ethnic minority myself ( not Korean though) I hadn't, until reading all the comments, known how much latent racism was out there. It means that all these years I was deluding myself that you are perceived and treated according to your merits, not your race or colour. And now I know that lots of people wouldn't want to have child looking like me, for various reasons, also it is almost universally accepted that there will be abuse. I thought we have transcended race prejudices long time ago, but I was mistaken?
Now I feel sorry for my DC, and beating myself up for being so irresponsible for setting them for life of racial abuse as ethnic minorities.

And now I know that lots of people wouldn't want to have child looking like me, for various reasons,

I think that's a bit of a misreading green TBH.

Most of the concerns have been child-centred ones around children having a sense of identity and belonging.

And now I know that lots of people wouldn't want to have child looking like me, for various reasons,

Not at all what (at least I) was trying to say. I have an ex that's, interestingly enough, considering this thread, Korean (she came from Korea to study music). We were quite serious and we did contemplate children.

And us breaking up had nothing to do with not wanting a mixed child.

Green i think you may have read in between the lines there slightly. Racism does exist, always has done, probably always will do. Often it is not the blatant, nasty comments but the 'othering'. There is no need to feel sad for your children, instead put effort into celebrating your ethnicity and giving your children a positive sense of self identity (whatever ethnicity/race/background they feel they belong to).

I am white but my children are mixed, which in some other people's eyes makes me less white, if that makes sense? People who have inner prejudices would be less likely to befriend me when they know my family makeup-which is fine by me, but it can be quite shocking to find out that people who you thought were decent, educated people say that they don't want their child going to X school because there are a lot of ethnic minorities (10% ) or "you know that smell that Asian people have?"

I know someone through work who TTC for many years then went down the adoption route and adopted a 3 year old girl from Asia (I'm purposely being vague) I was delighted for her and then horrified in equal measure when she made very blatant racist remarks about how hard it had been, having to "civilize" a child that had slept on the floor and eaten with their hands, and of course the child arrived speaking a "foreign language". There were lots of horrified eye rolls and cats bum faces when she was relating this so I am amazed that she was approved to adopt in the first place.

The media have a huge role to play in this, when you examine media discourse the amount of othering is utterly astounding.

You're wrong green. It's about the OP having no aparent connection to the country herself. The child will be born in already unusual circumstances which he or she might want to explore and further they will want to understand about their herritgage for a sense of their own background and identity.

However having a foreign husband and two 'mixed' children I sadly know racism is ever present in the UK.

I've encountered racism (is that racism or xenophobia?) from people thinking I was Polish. It was quite weird tbh.
I mean, if I was Polish I would have probably been hurt. But I'm not, so I was feeling indignant.

Not just because they were racist pricks but also because they were ignorant enough to mistake a Germanic language for Polish. And because I didn't know polish people had negative stereotypes in the UK.

Oh well, at least they didn't think I was German

(Not trying to diminish racism, just... if somebody tries to insult you with something you don't even are? Just not really impacting, is it?)

Weirdest thing was that DH was actually absolutely outraged.

Well, they were also sexist pricks.

But idk.

I actually just came back to this thread to wonder if the OP is gone for good? Some of the responses here were quite awful, it seems like some people were implying that she's the racist one for acknowledging the existence of racism?

I used to get mistaken for being Polish quite a bit claryl but it was years ago. Back then there were no negative connotations so it was more people trying out their Polish on me or speaking.very.slowly.
I assume the comments are different now

Green I think you have seriously misinterpreted this thread.

Perhaps read it again?

I thought the law changed a few years ago to allow all children to locate their biological parent when old enough?

FWIW I'd have been delighted to have a half-Korean or Nigerian or French child with someone who was Korean or Nigerian or French. I'm not sure it's fair to make a kid that's half Korean by looks and by genes and just hope that fhe won't mind not having any links to Korea.

I do, I suppose, think it's naive to think we've gotten past racism. It's why people who say 'I haven't got a racist bone in my body' make me uncomfortable. Really? You've grown up in a society historically permeated by racism and yet you're immune to it?

namechange

Yes. Polish vermin, go back etc... and when DH told them to stop (his English is so obviously 'English') they made awful comments about our marriage and other things. It's sad how people seem to find new things to hate whenever the hatred for something else diminishes. Just what I've observed.

OP I had a child by sperm donor. You are not looking for a boyfriend and somebody who speaks to you but somebody healthy and unless there are cultural reasons of the same ethnicity as you. I am worried that you are thinking too much about culture. Your child will benefit of the way he/she is brought up, what is surrounding him/her. The fact you like how the donor sound on paper is irrelevant. I was given very little info about my donor: age, height, colour of years and hear, what he likes to do and more importantly for me whether his previous donations were successful. I do not want a relationship with him and if my son wants to meet him at 18 fine but I am not looking for sign of him in my child. I know more info about him and to be honest it's not somebody I would date or have much in common with but I am grateful to him because his donation means I have a wonderful son. What I am getting at is that you are overthinking the donor and looking at them as if they were potential partners or geniteurs. They are not.

Greenbean789 I will most certainly be emphasising my child's talents, skills and achievements but will also warn them that no matter how much they achieve, there will always be ppl who judge based on how they look, just as it is with how they cut thier hair, thier clothes, if they have tattoos, present as female/male/cis/transfer etc. Its sad that I'm going to have to do this but I refuse to set them up for the shock of reality and having to face racism when they're out in the world.

Like I said in my original post, I plan to arm my child with skills and resilience as far as I am able to help them deal with any difficult Situations, whether it's do with with gender, sexualality, race relations or whatever.

transgender, not transfer.....damn you autocorrect

Children have the need to belong and be similar to those around them independent of racism that most non white people will experience in this country. Nothing obvious but it is there. It is hard to grow up in a family where everyone looks very different from you.

Why do you want a mixed race child?
Those that claim there is no racism are obviously not coming from a minority group. Racism happens in different situations if not in childhood it will rear its ugly head in adulthood somewhere at some point. You should as a parent have some inspiration as to educating your child on how to handle it because usually at the time when it happens - the person experiencing racism isnt going to be with mummy or daddy.
Do yourself a favour and understand if your child doesn't appear to be 100% white, you will save yourself a lot of hassle by teaching them about the culture that they are. Most mixed race or ethnic minority groups will agree with me on this one. We don't live in a utopian society no matter how much those who don't experience racism would like to believe. Forget about direct racism - we are talking about subtle civilised racism that exists