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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To purposely create a child who'll be a minority?

250 replies

sweetgo · 13/01/2017 19:11

Hiya,

Currently looking at sperm donors. I think I've found the right one, he's Korean. I only have a little information on him, but obviously know he is Korean. This isn't a debate on people's views on sperm donors.

Child would be brought up in the UK, if successful obviously, and would be mixed race (1/2 Korean). Therefore, they would be a minority, is it wrong to worry about racism, etc.?? WIBU to purposely go for the Korean donor knowing they could potentially experience racism, etc.?

OP posts:
Pestilence13610 · 13/01/2017 20:48

I would choose a donor that is most likely to result in a child looks very like you. Anything else is more about you than your child

This again and again
Your child needs to fit in with you and your family.
If you had a DP with a different ethnic background, your child would have their support.
It is completely different to sperm donation.

wonagold · 13/01/2017 20:50

How do we even know the op hasn't got a Korean partner? 🤔

Namechangeemergency · 13/01/2017 20:50

Are white people lesser than other people who are allowed to dismiss something that YOU consider important...

What a monumentally fucking stupid thing to post.

Pestilence13610 · 13/01/2017 20:51

wonagold that would be one hell of a drip feed.

Manumission · 13/01/2017 20:51

I have to say, although I don't feel qualified to comment in detail on the experiences and raising of mixed race children, Werkzallhourz sounds like she's making a lot of sense to me.

Mummamayhem · 13/01/2017 20:51

I think those who say racism won't come into the equation haven't experienced it!!
I agree you need to be able to offer your child some insight into their herritgage/background, it will be a visible and important part of their identity.

I hate to assume but have you choosen this donor because your kid 'will be cute' (please say no)

Manumission · 13/01/2017 20:52

How do we even know the op hasn't got a Korean partner?

Well if she has and has opted not to mention it, that's a medal-winning drip-feed.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 13/01/2017 20:55

I don't know if 'culture' or 'language' is in the genes.

I don't know if my mixed race son ishaving such a complicated, or difficult life.

I really don't know- some things to think about I guess.

BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 20:55

At the end of the day the really important question is this: a mixed race child is a problem, really?

In the words of Maya Angelou: We all bleed red.

Have we really not moved past this level of bigotry?

No offence to you, OP - I presume you are watching the world around you and are worried as a consequence.

fritillery · 13/01/2017 20:55

I have donor conceived DCs. It's worth remembering (not saying OP isn't) that you are not picking a man that you wouldn't mind having as a husband, you're picking a man who will provide good genes, as far as you can tell. What constitutes good genes is a matter for you. In my case I am an introvert. My DCs' donor is gregarious. I felt that it would be to the benefit of the DCs to inherit those kind of genes, as well as mine.
I also worried a lot about them being able to find out who the donor was when they were 18. From what I've heard, many donor children give very little thought to their donor, and that's been my experience. There is no guarantee of that though, so I do understand the concern.
I think that having a half Korean child would make things a bit more difficult for the OP, in that there would be more of people gossiping behind her back. And who knows how racist society will become in the future? So I'd be a bit hesitant about that. But it's a difficult decision if there are no other identity release options, or no other donor she feels comfortable about.

ClaryIsTheBest · 13/01/2017 20:57

Op, do you maybe have an East-Asian girlfriend or platonic partner or co-parent? Or an impotent OH that happens to be East-Asian or mixed?

And I know, Korean isn't the same as Japanese or Chinese, but I highly doubt anybody would be like:

Oh, OP, you're partner is obviously Chinese but your child is clearly half-Korean. Why?

so, yeah. I hope that explains why I used the general term East-Asian.

pringlecat · 13/01/2017 21:02

Being mixed race can be hard - often you feel like you don't fit in anywhere, because you're half this and half that. When you factor in the inevitable angst of being adopted and not knowing both parents, I think you have a very difficult teen period to deal with ahead of you.

Personally, the loneliness isn't from not knowing about the non-white culture - it's from not knowing many other people who are the same ethnic mix. Half-white, half-Korean is a pretty rare mix.

I'm not saying don't do it, but do go into it with your eyes wide open. Don't worry about racism - you can't control that. But do consider carefully how your potential child would feel being in a potential local minority of one. You won't be in the same minority with him/her and won't be able to relate.

Namechangeemergency · 13/01/2017 21:02

banty you are missing the point.
This isn't about mixed raced children being a problem.
It is not anti racist to ignore that a child is mixed race. Dismissing it, ignoring it, pretending its nothing is denying that it is an important part of someone's identity.
We don't do that with white children. We don't say 'oh we don't think of them as white, we just see them as children'. No one ever says that.

I don't want people to 'do me the favour' of not seeing my children's colour.

BrondeBombshell · 13/01/2017 21:03

I think it will put more questions in the child's path so tbh i think it is unnecessarily flamboyant or something. If you're whit just pick a white donor so that fewer questions arise that would put the child in the position of having to say 'um no well my father is a donor"

Waterfeature · 13/01/2017 21:03

Please read the testimonies on here before deciding to go ahead with using a sperm donor at all.

anonymousus.org

user1484226561 · 13/01/2017 21:06

What a monumentally fucking stupid thing to post.

is abuse the only response you can come up with on being called on blaring racism?

justdontevenfuckingstart · 13/01/2017 21:07

Banty it is very sad that it should even be an issue worth considering I agree.
It is also sad that I have 2 mixed race daughters. One identifies with her father rather than both of us. I think that is hard. A mixed race individual is seen as 'something' and they have to choose which in some cases.

It's not a problem but in the future the child will want to feel what they are I suppose.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 13/01/2017 21:08

I think op is thinking about what is best for the child. She could go out on one night stands to get pg!
I can't think of one incident of racism amongst children in my experience.
I don't think it would be a problem being mixed race in today's society.

Namechangeemergency · 13/01/2017 21:08

blaring racism?

Explain this accusation.
I am agog.

Arkay · 13/01/2017 21:12

OP - are you single or in a relationship?

I have a donor conceived child. One of my main criteria when looking for donor sperm was that the donor be of the same race and a similar colouring to me/my wider family. I hope (and feel fairly confident) that my DS won't be bothered by the fact he was donor-conceived to a single mum, but I thought it was important to make his life as easy as possible in that sense.

People ask questions of babies - Does he look like his dad? Ooh, he's tall, is his dad tall? Look at that lovely red hair, who did that come from? Etc. Etc. Etc.

I'm hoping to raise my boy to talk openly and confidently about how he was conceived (if people ask and if he wants to tell them), but what if it turns out to be something that he's no comfortable talking about? Would being a different race to me prompt questions/speculation from others that would make him feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed about his conception?

Lorelei76 · 13/01/2017 21:17

Just to add to your list op
I'm from a minority, I don't consider it to be my culture as I was born and raised here. So be prepared to get all knowledged up and meet complete lack of interest.

When you say Korean do you mean he is or his parents are btw? I'm not sure how these things are listed.

Do you think about the other isms the child might face? Do you think about the child being nothing like her parents after looking at a list of....I don't know how you choose but "right donor" sounds like there's expectations attached for the child.

BantyCustards · 13/01/2017 21:17

I'm not for one minute suggesting ignoring it - I just am having a hard time seeing why it should be a problem. It shoukdn't - anymore than being a part of any minority should be a problem.

Lorelei76 · 13/01/2017 21:18

Just "t's not a problem but in the future the child will want to feel what they are I suppose"

Not sure what means. Genuinely interested to know.

ClaryIsTheBest · 13/01/2017 21:22

loreli

For me personally the 'right' donor would have meant a person that I could see being the father of my children. Not... oh, I want the child to be athletic so let's choose....

but then I met DH and honestly never really thought about this again.

Lorelei76 · 13/01/2017 21:23

Clary, but how could you know that from donor information?