Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To purposely create a child who'll be a minority?

250 replies

sweetgo · 13/01/2017 19:11

Hiya,

Currently looking at sperm donors. I think I've found the right one, he's Korean. I only have a little information on him, but obviously know he is Korean. This isn't a debate on people's views on sperm donors.

Child would be brought up in the UK, if successful obviously, and would be mixed race (1/2 Korean). Therefore, they would be a minority, is it wrong to worry about racism, etc.?? WIBU to purposely go for the Korean donor knowing they could potentially experience racism, etc.?

OP posts:
ConvincingLiar · 13/01/2017 19:33

I'm not sure that lifestyle is that important. It's not something you inherit biologically? I don't know though, sperm donation is v unfamiliar to me.

Pestilence13610 · 13/01/2017 19:35

You have very little info on him OR you have read pages and pages about him?
You want your baby to be special? We all do
You want you baby to be so special that everyone notices how special it is? You are not ready for a baby

Original poster
sweetgo · 13/01/2017 19:35

covincing it's important in the sense of connection. I have had multiple counselling and advice and I'm just following what they tell you.

OP posts:
ClaryIsTheBest · 13/01/2017 19:35

If you think he's the right fit? Why not.

If you found the right man and he was Korean, would you not want him to be the father of your child because of racism?

However, I do think you have to give the child access to Korean culture, maybe even learn Korean yourself etc.
Because the child will be perceived as half Asian and will have to deal with prejudice etc. Some prejudices quite specific to being part Asian.

So, I think it would be easier if the DC knows people that have had to deal with similar prejudices etc.

Original poster
sweetgo · 13/01/2017 19:35

What are you on about Pest?? Hmm

OP posts:
ClaryIsTheBest · 13/01/2017 19:37

However, if there is a dad in the picture who isn't Asian, just no bio dad, why not a sperm donor from his culture?

CookieDoughKid · 13/01/2017 19:38

I have mixed race children half Chinese and half white. It's not been a problem at all for them living in the UK.

On a related note the only times I have ever experienced overt racism was last year in Didcot and actually last year was a bad year. 3 times in 1 year by a group of youths on the street who kept calling out ching chong. Police reported obviously.

You will get racism no matter where you are in the world. Asians can be very very racist.

Don't let it affect your decision. Your baby could be a fine net contributor to society and I'd rather more of yours brought up by parents who care about such issues rather than jobless indolent youths on the street ('on a Monday morning when they should be in a school or training or something)

EssentialHummus · 13/01/2017 19:38

Gosh. I think you need to be prepared to learn something about Korean culture (and expose DC to it). If you're happy with that, I don't see why not.

Therootofallstuff · 13/01/2017 19:40

TBH being brutally realistic, I think if you are living in an area that being even remotely different is an issue then you should either move to a more racially diverse place or find another donor.
I'd love be to be able to say it doesn't matter but in light of racially motivated attacks that definitely do occur in bigoted areas, it would be cruel to inflict that in your unborn child. Sadly, much as it is an awful reality to accept, reality it is.

Paraskevidekatriaphobia · 13/01/2017 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sherazade · 13/01/2017 19:41

I don't think you need to go ahead and learn Korean if the child is not going to have a parent from that community taking an active part in their life -that's crazy. We are all one race - the human race . It is on the onus of the parent from that particular race to share their heritage with the child because it means something to them otherwise it is meaningless .

Footle · 13/01/2017 19:43

This thread is making me think of Anne Tyler's brilliant Digging to America.

ClaryIsTheBest · 13/01/2017 19:44

I'm not sure why the OP is getting all these not ready to be a parent comments.

That seems really snarky.

Before I married DH I thought long and hard if I could imagine raising a kid in the UK. And although I like it here I have on occasion regretted it.

I think some people have grabbed on to something and then just started to fill in a lot of blanks.

Op, is there a father in the picture? Or an other mother? Are you in a relationship? Because that does matter imo.

Original poster
sweetgo · 13/01/2017 19:44

Para I don't think this thread is for you. I don't want my child to necessarily meet him Hmm but if he wanted to, there's the option. I never said he lives in Korea. He is with the London Sperm bank, so I don't know where you've got all these assumptions from. Yes, I would say 'little information' is quite accurate, I don't know a lot about him. However, having pages and pages doesn't mean I all of a sudden know this person. Do you have any idea how sperm donation works? Hmm unfit to be a parent? I'm not sure if you're aware, but that's also all assessed.

OP posts:
ClaryIsTheBest · 13/01/2017 19:46

But I do think you have to make sure your DC wouldn't have access to resources open to other Asian and or mixed kid.

That child would encounter difficulties a white parent or an Asian parent might not understand. So, knowing people that have had to deal with Asian oriented or mixed race oriented prejudice would be imo a good idea.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 13/01/2017 19:46

My children are mixed race (Black/White) but you'd have no idea to look at them - they're both blond haired and blue eyed with shades of white skin. So you don't know what you're going to get with genetics.

On the culture side, I was adopted into a White family (am black) and I basically had no idea of anything to do with my cultural background, socialised with just white kids, parents didn't know what to do with my hair etc. I think it's important to allow your child to understand where they came from both literally and figuratively!

BraveDancing · 13/01/2017 19:46

I think that it could go very badly wrong - no idea on sperm donors, but I've got a friend who was adopted as a baby by a white family (friend isn't white) and found it a very dislocating experience - looking difference, experiencing racism with no support, with no real 'upside' in the way of culture, belonging etc.

It's a big thing to take on.

Crowdblundering · 13/01/2017 19:48

That child would encounter difficulties a white parent or an Asian parent might not understand. So, knowing people that have had to deal with Asian oriented or mixed race oriented prejudice would be imo a good idea.

Such as?

I have NEVER encountered any of these "difficulties".

Backingvocals · 13/01/2017 19:48

I think the racial minority thing is manageable dpending on your ability to get yourself ready to support and manage the possible issues. But your child will already be in a very small minority, as mine are, being donor conceived. That can be alienating for them, especially at school. It's not at all the same thing as being a single parent to children with a known albeit absent father.

The comments about you not being ready to be a parent are silly.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 13/01/2017 19:49

Ugh. This is a thread I would love to contribute to if the Daily Fail weren't trawling MN for stuff to report as 'news'.

OP - I hope you get some useful food for thought. My tuppence is this:

  • it's right that you're stopping to consider this properly (I don't think you're 'overthinking' at all)
  • I don't think it's an automatic no-go on this basis alone, if this is the donor which feels right for you (I am assuming it's ID-release sperm, yes? This would massively affect how I felt about things)
  • you need to be prepared to embrace your child's Korean heritage with them. Not sure that that necessarily means learning the language etc, but you - alone, without any Korean extended family - need to help your child learn to feel proud of their heritage. That's the question you need to answer for yourself - can you do that? (Whether your child can 'pass' as white or not is beside the point here, and a dangerous route to go down. Yes, a half-Korean child may duck under the radar more often than not, but either way the question is about how your child will feel about his/her heritage, as a DC child of mixed heritage.)

Best of luck with the choices and journey ahead of you.

ShootingQuadrantids · 13/01/2017 19:50

Good luck OP, l met with my good friend last night to go through lists of potential spermicide donors for her. CMS neg seemed quite important to her. I've got everything crossed for you x

RumbleMum · 13/01/2017 19:51

I'm not sure what the answer is, OP, but I understand why you're asking yourself the question. We all want our children to have happy, straightforward paths through life and we all want to protect them from unpleasantness. It's ridiculous to imagine we live in a world where bigotry and racism don't exist, but whether or not you're right to let potential future racism affect your decision, I really can't decide. Good luck whatever conclusion you come to.

ClaryIsTheBest · 13/01/2017 19:53

@Crowdblundering

Prejudice.

I used to have two rather close friends (siblings, we sang together). They were Chinese-French, growing up in Switzerland,

They often said that in China many people only saw the Caucasian. In Europe many people only the Asian. And that sometimes made them feel like outsiders in both places
And that they had to deal with comments from people of each community on occasion.

How could somebody that never encountered something like that fully understand it?

Strongmummy · 13/01/2017 19:53

You are right to think about this very seriously. Are you white? If so they will look different to you and you will need to explain this. You will also need to ensure they have access to their Korean heritage and culture. You will also need to think about racism and how to explain this.

EssentialHummus · 13/01/2017 19:53

Yeah, regarding the "not ready to be a parent" comments -

Really?! I'm two months along and I'm still not bloody ready to be a parent. Is anyone, ever?