To purposely create a child who'll be a minority?

[sweetgo]

Hiya,

Currently looking at sperm donors. I think I've found the right one, he's Korean. I only have a little information on him, but obviously know he is Korean. This isn't a debate on people's views on sperm donors.

Child would be brought up in the UK, if successful obviously, and would be mixed race (1/2 Korean). Therefore, they would be a minority, is it wrong to worry about racism, etc.?? WIBU to purposely go for the Korean donor knowing they could potentially experience racism, etc.?

I think it would be a bad idea since it would make life harder for the child.

A friend was widowed when her daughter was a newborn. Her husband had been African origin (she is white). Her daughter is therefore mixed race. It is important for her daughter to see pictures of her dad so that she can understand why she looks different to her Mum: this is something you won't be able to give your child and I think it could make life a lot more confusing for him/her and his/her future identity. If the child's father was the same genetic background as you then it would be 'easier' for the child to understand where s/he and his/her appearance came from than if s/he looked different to you. Does that make sense?

Sorry that should be 'than if s/he looked different to you and didn't know what his/her father looked like'.

blaring racism? Explain this accusation.I am agog.

you come onto a public forum and state that you are "not comfortable" with people of one colour expressing a view on something that you think is ok for people of another colour to express a view on?

This is called being an ignorant biggot

talk about lack of self awareness

So, I don't know many people that went that route. Or at least not well enough to know how they went about it.

But I know a couple where she was infertile.

Anyhow, so, her husband is really into science and very methodical whereas she's very artistic, free-spirited, loves languages, travelling etc. These infos (hobbies, some info like a cv [not too detailed of course]) were included. But they did that in Spain, so, not sure about the UK, I'm not a U.K. native.

Also look wise they did their best to find somebody that resembled her. They had descriptions like pale, brown haired, blue eyes etc included.

If I was in a relationship with a woman I guess I'd think anout trying to find a 'male version' of me or her, depending on who would be the bio mum.

And if I was single I'd try to find somebody that resembled my dream husband and dream father of my children.

Not sure if that makes sense.

But as I said, I ultimately never had to look very deeply into this. So, I'm not the best person to answer this, probably.

I don't understand why you would choose to give birth to a child with a different ethnic make up to yours, if you don't have a partner who shares the sperm donor's ethnicity.

It's easier for extended family to bond with a child that looks like family.
Teen years are hard enough without an extra burden.
Not sure how much I believe donor profiles.

I don't think having a child of a different ethnicity is such a big issue...

I wouldn't choose a donor of a different ethnicity. Your child may already feel different to an extent and have difficult questions about where they come from given that they won't know their bio father till 18 if ever. Why would you want them to also have to deal with potentially feeling like they don't fit in because they look different to your family and having to navigate issues like racism without the guidance of a parent who has experienced them? I don't think there is anything at all wrong with having mixed race children but that normally involves a parent of that race who can explain about their background and empathise with issues they may face. TBH I think you would be giving your future child a lot of unnecessary baggage to deal with.

This a thousand times. I have a friend using donor sperm and she was told to match as near as her ethnicity and blood group as possible

Totally diff two diff race people raising a child together as child will have one parent the same colour and race as them

The dad won't be in the picture for 18yrs

I don't know much about the sperm donation or bringing up a mixed race child, but I don't think that worrying about this means you "are not ready to be a parent"
Surely everyone preparing to have a child worries about all sorts of things - big and small, and no child has ever been born into a perfect family, under the perfect conditions. Whatever you decide, good luck and I'm sorry for some of the nasty comments you've received on this thread.

user1484226561

Do you know what racism is?

I don't think you do.

You don't get to decide that another person's colour and background is unimportant. If you insist that it is unimportant you are being racist. You think you get to tell someone (and lets face it, we always been a non white person) that they don't have a say in defining their identity.
And FYI you don't get to tell me that my kid's identity doesn't matter. Not without me challenging you anyhow. If you don't like it, tough. But that doesn't make me a bigot.

Still confused as to how explaining that to you makes me a bigot or a racist. How the hell am I racist? Towards whom?

you come onto a public forum and state that you are "not comfortable" with people of one colour expressing a view on something that you think is ok for people of another colour to express a view on?

Let me break this down for you.

A white person
does not
get to tell
a black or brown person
that
their colour
or background
is not important

HTH

My baby was conceived with donor sperm. We did want a donor who was the same skin colour as us. We didn't, as it happens, want a donor who looked like me (though that's more or less what we ended up with).

But you can have very little choice in these things.

Ultimately, what made us decide was that our donor wrote a really lovely message, which his child will be able to read aged 18.

The other two possibilities our clinic offered wrote - frankly - the type of messages that made me feel I would not want my child to read that.

For me that is a far bigger issue that skin colour. I do see that it's a consideration and not something to brush away out of hand, but IMO the most important thing is that a child conceived via a donor has the best possible chance of feeling that their donor was a decent person.

Sorry to take the attention away from the op for a second but

Namechangeemergency as a mixed race women I can honestly say you sound like such an amazing mother. You seem to really understand the issues that they face and how to handle things. If more people were like you the world would be a much better place

Oh blimey food
That made me well up.
Thanks.

Namechange - perhaps I worded my responses wrongly: when I say it shouldn't matter I mean from the perspective of it in any way negatively affecting their future. Because - it shouldn't.

WRT heritage - I feel that should be child led - at the end of the day isn't the most important thing that a child feels comfortable in their own skin (which applies to minorities not associated to skin colour too - disability, gender identity...)

Just popping in to say thanks for reporting folks, we've taken a look and certain posters will not be returning to this thread for the foreseeable.

Doh.

Not knowing why you are using a sperm donor....If you are a LP..I am the LP of a boy that hasn't seen his dad since he was 3 and it has took years for him to deal with it, So while I have no experience of sperm donation I imagine issues there I do have a friend with a mixed race son , moved back to her hometown with DC and dad bith dad and DS experienced racism. If you are in a very white area, the risk of facing racism would be higher I have no doubt.
I do think you also need to consider how you would help this child cope with the issues that arose for them based on their background.

For me it would be adding a complication to and already complicated subject.

I really don't know why you have do many comments about not been ready for a baby...Thinking through the issues is very important.

When society and racists are the ones being the hazard, not the child.

Yes of course it's the society that is at fault but it is the child who suffers.

I think a lot of people are focusing on skin colour for the wrong reasons.

It's not about the prospect of racism. It's not about looking like the bio mother and her family and being able to pretend the child isn't adopted, it's about looking like people, more generally. The child would in all likelihood look a bit white and and a bit Korean. Not white or Korean. That's an important distinction.

I think one of the loneliness moments in my life was realising I wasn't part of two races, I was a foreigner to both. So yes, ethnicity can be a big deal, even if you live in a tolerant area. If you're planning on having more than one DC with the same sperm donor, that changes it for me quite a lot, because then DC1 has a friend who has the same background and gets it.

I don't think having a child of a different ethnicity is such a big issue...

It's an issue for me, for instance when trying to explain how I feel to my white father I know he had no idea what I'm going through, he has no useful responses for me, and... It's hard to be the person who gets questioned about their relationship with their father when other people have the parent child relationship assumed, it's hard.

I wouldn't do that to a child on purpose, not after experiencing the life I have.

I think one of the loneliness moments in my life was realising I wasn't part of two races, I was a foreigner to both.

Yes, accepted by no one, belonging to no group. Racism from white people, racism from black people- that's been my experience. It is lonely.

My son is Anglo Indian we live in a non diverse area - Gloucestershire and his father lives in London. My son has experienced quite bad racism and although we are not together we parent together and it is heart breaking especially as he is very integrated into Indian culture as well as British culture. Had I known what I know now I would have still done it because my son is beautiful inside and out but I would have lived somewhere more ethnically diverse - and no matter what sperm donor or not that child will be half Korean and you own him to know about his culture and traditions. In my experience and with the best will in the world you don't and don't have his culture to tap into to I wouldn't do it. Good luck with what you decide.

In your situation I honestly wouldn't. You don't have any connection by the sounds of it to Korean culture and heritage.

My children are mixed race. They have experienced racism sadly at only 8&5. If you had a connection to the country or culture my answer would be different.

If your child looks very different from you, I think you can expect questions about their (absent) father from people not tactful enough to know better than ask. You'll quickly learn the best way of dealing with it. If the prospect bothers you, then think again about going ahead.
You also need to consider the possibility of subsequent "white" children in the future and DC1 being the only one in the family who looks the way he / she does.
Just a thought - a friend who had a first DC with donor sperm made certain to secure further supplies from the same source to go one ice, so her two children are full siblings.

It also depends where you live - here in London it seems that everyone is a mixture of something... I have friends whose children are four different "quarters" something i.e. both parents also mixed ethnicities and it really is no big deal. But if you live in UKIP land, it might be different.