To purposely create a child who'll be a minority?

[sweetgo]

Hiya,

Currently looking at sperm donors. I think I've found the right one, he's Korean. I only have a little information on him, but obviously know he is Korean. This isn't a debate on people's views on sperm donors.

Child would be brought up in the UK, if successful obviously, and would be mixed race (1/2 Korean). Therefore, they would be a minority, is it wrong to worry about racism, etc.?? WIBU to purposely go for the Korean donor knowing they could potentially experience racism, etc.?

I'm not sure I get all the "hate" on this thread or the accusations of the OP not being ready to be a parent (who the fuck is??), but knowing my sperm donated potential child would be in a minority wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

The majority of people will experience an -ism or a negative response in their life, be it racism, sexism, disabilism, xenophobia, homophobia etc etc. You cannot predict or prevent bigotry. The only thing you can do is bring your child up to celebrate their genetic make up and their history and make them aware that they may experience racism or bigotry, and how to deal with it.

I wouldn't worry about it! If you feel like it's the right donor, then that is what you consider. Imo, including the culture from the donor is a good thing, whether that is Korean or Danish. Yes - Danish people have a different culture and language to that of UK.

Having a child who will be mixed race via donor is not the same as having a mixed race child whilst in a relationship.

If the father was on the scene they would be able to talk from first hand experience about challenges faced by non white people in this country.

I have five mixed race children. They are not issues, they are not problems, our life is not one challenge after another but there is no denying that they are mixed race and I am not always the one best equipped to help them. They need their dad and their dad's family for that.

Do it or don't do it but if you do you need to think about it.

I come from an ethnic minority working class family and am female.

I've experienced racism but also sexism and classism growing up.

There will be prejudice no matter what but on the whole I've lived a happy life and it's not that big a part of my life. I like to think it's made more compassionate too. That said, I live in London!

The main thing I would be thinking about is how you will be able to support the DC if it happens and you've never experienced it yourself. But empathy will go a long way . Good luck.

I wouldn't do it.

It's not the same as having a baby with someone of a different ethnicity at all.

In this instance, you are choosing genetics with no person attached. I wouldn't choose genetics that could make the child's life difficult, lead to them feeling out of place of disconnected to one half of their ethnic heritage.

When children are adopted they make an effort to place them with a family of the same ethnicity. If the adoptive family are not of the same ethnicity they are encouraged to research/learn about/participate in their child's culture to enable the child to feel some connection to where they came from.

I wouldn't do it. I experience racism and it's soul destroying. I asked my white father yesterday whether he considered the racism I would face before he decided to have me. He didn't answer. The racism isn't his fault obviously. But to pretend it doesn't exist in the UK or that a mixed race child/adult won't experience it is short sighted.

If I could choose to be white, I would. If I could choose the race of my child I would choose white.

There are so many variables though. I'm mixed race - Anglo-Indian mother, dark skinned South African father.

But to look at me you'd have no idea other than I look slightly exotic. And despite my parents both experiencing racism (father left SA due to apartheid), my siblings and I have had a totally white privilege upbringing.

You cannot predict how other people will react to your child - and you may not remain living in the current area you're in right now. I grew up in London so it was a total melting pot of ethnicity/religion/backgrounds.

I think you should go ahead with the donor that you feel most connection with, regardless of race.

I am related to several mixed race people in various ways and with most of them you wouldn't know unless you asked or they had an obviously-non-English name. Very few people out there aren't a mix of different cultures somewhere down the line, though I live in an ethnically diverse area so perhaps I'm just used to it.

I do think it's favourable to have access to other Asian (or mixed race) people growing up though, because a lot of children go through phases of questioning their place in the world and it's nice to see you're not completely 'different' without it being made into a big deal. One of my younger relatives living in a more homogenous region has obviously had comments made at school in the past as she went through a phase of being quite uncomfortable about her looks.

Exposure to abuse can vary from 'none' to 'regular' depending on your local area and how 'foreign' (I'm sorry) the child looks. One of my (mixed) family members has never had a single bad word directed at him but his direct blood relative (non-mixed) gets it a lot, and I've witnessed some very disgusting racism in town from locals who don't realise that a white woman like myself is not going to agree with them muttering under their breath about how dreadful mixed relationships are (for heaven's sake, it's 2017!)

Op, in all honesty, I would not do this.

I am from a mixed ethnic heritage background and so is my DH. Life in Britain is tricky enough to navigate as someone who comes from two rather distinct (and very minority) cultures and ethnicities when you have help, advice and support from non-English-origin relatives and friends. I dread to think what it might be like for a child who does not have that kind of familial resource.

I know it is very unfashionable to say this these days, but individuals of mixed ethnicities and cultures can have a very complex identities that take years to settle and stablise. It is not an easy road, particularly when you are young, and you can feel like an outsider and an alien for decades until age eventually helps you to smooth over your anxieties.

Personally, I feel this issue of identity is a far more important consideration in this context than the experience of racism. You can get away from racism by removing yourself from the situation, but you cannot escape confusion and anxieties over your identity. It is always with you because it is about who you are.

Is he from North or South Korea btw?

Seriously? How many North Koreans do you think are knocking about in England giving away sperm? Hmm, what is one of the main features of North Korea....oh yes, its illegal to leave and if you are caught defecting you go to a labour camp or get executed.

I was about to post exactly the same thing user1484317265

i don't think your ready to have a child any way never mind by donation

some why don't you think she is??

i don't think your ready to have a child

sweetgo

You'll be ready to have a child when you meet someone you want to have a child with

love that's a horrible comment. How do you know she isn't with someone? My sister was married but her husband passed away, she could be with anyone else and decided sperm donation was right for her. Stop judging people.

How do you plan to meet your child's need for understanding their history / culture?

the child would have no Korean history or culture

hat is a fundamental misunderstanding of what history and culture actually are.

They re not genetic, you know

Just go for it. Don't over-analyse.

*couldnt be

Goodness me, that's some insight somewheresomehow - pray, tell us how you know the OP isn't ready for a child?

Find it slightly ironic that drunken fumbles and one night stands that result in children are given less long term consideration than the consideration the OP is giving her potential offspring.

Not sure that that smacks of "not being ready" for a baby. Quite the opposite frankly.

I accidentally helped to create a child who is a 'minority' he's autistic.

You have zero idea of whether or not any child you have will have a disability or not and IME (limited I accept) invisible disabilities are far more a factor in creating social isolation than mixed-race.

Stop judging people.

wonagold

Judge for yourself

Because donor-conceived children have no say in their method of conception or the way that it gets handled within their families, I am trying speak up for them. We are not simply products of a business deal, but a group of people with needs and rights. Now that we are old enough to discuss our views, I plead for you to listen to and learn from us.

www.dcnetwork.org/story/child-stranger-kathleen-labounty-young-woman-conceived-through-anonymous-sperm-donation-1980s

Love

That's horrible. So many people didn't meet somebody they were ready to have a child with but were ultimately still good parents to that 'accidentally' conceived child.

Or maybe the OP is gay.

Or had a Korean husband that died. Or idk....!!

If you are picking the donor because he fits your criteria then go ahead.
If you are picking him to have a half Korean child so the baby is unusual then you are a twat.
This is a CHILD. A human being. Choose your best fit. Use the best match.

Will you be willing to introduce your child to their Korean culture so they can embrace their dual nationality?

love have you even read the OP, she has decided to not go for an anonymous donor.

Run I think you should also read the OP.

Some major twats on here.