To purposely create a child who'll be a minority?

[sweetgo]

Hiya,

Currently looking at sperm donors. I think I've found the right one, he's Korean. I only have a little information on him, but obviously know he is Korean. This isn't a debate on people's views on sperm donors.

Child would be brought up in the UK, if successful obviously, and would be mixed race (1/2 Korean). Therefore, they would be a minority, is it wrong to worry about racism, etc.?? WIBU to purposely go for the Korean donor knowing they could potentially experience racism, etc.?

I accidentally helped to create a child who is a 'minority' he's autistic

Very well said.

Have a child that you will love. Does anything else really matter at this stage? Life is very variable and unpredictable.

I wouldn't choose a donor of a different ethnicity. Your child may already feel different to an extent and have difficult questions about where they come from given that they won't know their bio father till 18 if ever. Why would you want them to also have to deal with potentially feeling like they don't fit in because they look different to your family and having to navigate issues like racism without the guidance of a parent who has experienced them? I don't think there is anything at all wrong with having mixed race children but that normally involves a parent of that race who can explain about their background and empathise with issues they may face. TBH I think you would be giving your future child a lot of unnecessary baggage to deal with.

Oh, and love...

This was about 'non-identity release donors'. The OP said the child could meet the father if the DC wanted to.

And I'm hoping that the OP wouldn't just put the child up for adoption in the case of Down syndrome. So, the OP's DC would get the chance to find out the identity of the donor and wouldn't be denied the relationship with their sibling.

How does a child who has an anonymous sperm doner from a different culture automatically have that culture? I would understand a child who was born into a particular culture and subsequently the possible importance of giving them opportunities to explore their heritage but from a specific donor? Seriously? Who knows if the sperm donor was even born in Kota and was brought up Korean?

Seriously? How many North Koreans do you think are knocking about in England giving away sperm? Hmm, what is one of the main features of North Korea....oh yes, its illegal to leave and if you are caught defecting you go to a labour camp or get executed.

There is a North Korean population of over 650 documented refugees in the U.K., but the true number might be closer to a thousand, with defectors who fail to gain refugee status often going underground. So a North Korean donor may be statistically less likely but not impossible.

650 refugees mostly women and children.

My parent created me. I'm a minority. I'm bisexual.
I love martial arts (and was bashed and assaulted for it quite horribly when younger). 'How dare a lesbian share with my girlfriend??'

Should my parents have decided not to have me for fear of creating a child that's part of some kind of minority (I could have been autistic, have ADS, convert to Judaism... a parent never knows).

I personally would feel extremely uncomfortable with saying the OP shouldn't do it. That's like saying that 'creating' a mixed race child is a hazard or something. When society and racists are the ones being the hazard, not the child.

So, I do think the OP has to consider certain things she may not need to consider in an other situation. But I don't think this necessarily means she shouldn't do it.

And the fact that she seems to consider this so much makes her seem prepared and intelligent imo. Wouldn't it be more ignorant for her to just go for it and not even consider racism?

Where did the 'North Korean' assumption come from?

No I wouldn't. It adds another layer of complexity to what would be an already quite complicated choice.

I think using a donor is a completely valid choice to make but not only will your child have limited information on half their genetics, they will also have a whole culture to be curious about with probably no way to be part of.

I have a vaguely similar situation in that my daughters father is not involved at all and from a European country. I am grateful that the way she looks doesn't invite nosy/curious/rude people to ask where is her dad from etc. Because it would be awkward to have to talk about him to strangers.

Also I went for a bit of a crisis myself when she was a baby as to if I should try to bring her cultural heritage into our life. Do I call her a name from said country, cook the food, learn the language etc. I came to the conclusion. I couldn't as it would just not be possible to genuinely get inside a culture I didn't know.

I think save yourself all this extra baggage, if he was the only one available then I'd say go for it. But why not just go for a UK donor?

How does a child who has an anonymous sperm doner from a different culture automatically have that culture?

I can't speak for the OP, but presumably some of the issue may be that the child may look Korean. So while the child won't have any Korean culture, they may physically look Korean. That may make this more of an issue than the equivalent DC from a Danish donor - because the child will have a physical reminder of their difference from their mum.

In practice, I don't know how I'd deal with that, but I imagine it would be along the lines of finding a Korean weekend group/Saturday school/children's activity.

How on earth is a mixed race child a 'complexity'?

I don't think there are enough biscuits in my local supermarket...

u are being ridiculous and are unfit to be a parent

Christ on a bike! I would think anyone taking such time and consideration into discussing race issues in the preliminary stages before choosing a sperm donor from another country is probably going to go on to be a pretty good parent.
Ignore these hateful comments op - whatever you decide to do I think the fact you are already thinking about the issues your child to be may (or may not face) and are going to make your decision based on that shows very rational/considered thinking.
Or maybe u should just go and have a one night stand with a white guy and get knocked up that way. Would a poster on here be vilified for that??

that's like saying that 'creating' a mixed race child is a hazard ....

No it isn't, not from me. Otherwise I wouldn't have five children.
I can't speak for the others on this thread though.

I am not comfortable with white people dismissing the prospective child's mixed race as unimportant.

As I said, my kids are not a problem but they are mixed race and that is an important part of them.

Amy the OP said that he is a UK donor (London sperm bank) why can a Korean person not be from the U.K.???

You know he's the right one despite having "very little information" about him?

name

I didn't dismiss it as unimportant. I was actually called out above for writing that the the child may face things the OP will most likely not understand.

Man have you RTFT/have any idea about sperm donation (including the process before it's decided if you can go ahead?)

Where did the 'North Korean' assumption come from?

I'm not sure whether that was a response to me but I didn't assume the donor was North Korean, I was just pointing out that he could be as there is a North Korean population in the UK, in response to a comment that seemed to assume there wasn't.

I am not comfortable with white people dismissing the prospective child's mixed race as unimportant.

why is that then? Are white people lesser than other people who are allowed to dismiss something that YOU consider important, but others might not?

My DD is mixed race. When I met my (non-white) DH we lived in an ethnically diverse area and issues of race were not a consideration at all. Since we have moved to a much less diverse area I have (sadly) realised that racism is alive and well in the UK. I found as a white person I didn't notice it until I was married and had DD - e.g. being asked if "she had a touch of the tar brush" by a tradesperson (who also said she was beautiful). I never considered not having DD because of this but if you do live in a non-diverse area there will be comments. We are considering moving before she becomes school age so that she won't be the only one of her ethnicity in her class.

Interestingly DH doesn't notice racism as much as me - I think this is because people are too scared to say things to his face but I get comments at work from people who have been given my name before we meet like 'Oh thank god your not one of those P!!!'s, I was worried when I saw your name!"

I realise this isnt much help and I wish you the best with your pregnancy whatever you decide.

If you get your sperm in the UK then your child will be able to contact their donor.

I would choose a donor that is most likely to result in a child looks very like you. Anything else is more about you than your child

I wouldn't choose genetics that could make their life difficult, leave them felling out of place or disconnected to one half of their genetic heritage

I do agree with this though. Why potentially make life more difficult for your child than it has to be. I'm sure if your child is white there will be far less questions asked and at least u then know your child won't have to face racial discrimination. Sad but true.

Man have you RTFT/have any idea about sperm donation (including the process before it's decided if you can go ahead?)

Are you talking to me? Have you seen how stocks fluctuate? Or how much variation in donor info there is depending which sperm bank you use?

"I think he's a strong contender" I could understand but if she thinks he is the single "right one" on an narrow bio, I suspect she's in a screaming hurry TBH.

It's not even as though she's trying to match characteristics to a partner's details and limiting the field that way.

she has decided to not go for an anonymous donor.

Anonymity is not the only problem with sperm donation

I also continue to grieve for the loss of the opportunity to know my biological half-siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.

www.dcnetwork.org/story/child-stranger-kathleen-labounty-young-woman-conceived-through-anonymous-sperm-donation-1980s

She also spoke about another one though, you're not allowed to just rush into it, that's why I asked if you had any idea about how the process works. Also, how do you know she doesn't have a partner??