AIBU to ask how you deal with playground cliques!

[Onthedowns]

My DD just started reception last year was warned about certain playground mums but ignored it however! There are three mums with younger children who seem to be glued together all the time before school, after school, parties they don't speak to anyone esle or make the effort. One if them I find particularly rude I have stood aside for her to pass and she hasn't acknowledged me just looked straight past me, they never smile say hello or intergrate. She ignored my DD chasing after and calling her son on the way home once too, if I hear someone calling my DD I make sure she at least acknowledges Them, considering my DD was running right beside her she couldn't miss her! I don't speak to every mum either but make an effort to smile and say hello to the ones I see regularly. I know not everyone will get on etc but considering our children are in the same class for the next however many years I find it strange you don't acknowledge people you see every day! It's my dds bday soon and I will be inviting whole class but these mums I don't feel I want too - but of course I will as it's not their children. so how you experienced mumsnetters battle through the minefield of playground politics!

Why are you so chewed up about this? Maybe they're deliberately rude, maybe they're not, but why does it matter? There are rude people in every walk of life. Nothing anyone can do about that, so why waste time and energy stewing on it?

They aren't going to change their actions, whether intentional or imagined, so pick up your kids, chat to the people you want to chat to, and get on with your own life.

Or maybe next time I let someone pass me in the narrow busy lane I shall ignore them look past them when they say thanks to me

I drop off kids at a busy school, commute through a busy area, shop at busy supermarkets. I give way to people all the time, but for the life of me I can't remember if they say thank you, let alone if anyone makes eye contact when I say thank you. It's just not noteworthy. You seem strangely fixated on this.

It's amazing how onsome threads its get turned to an issue with the OP. I may have an issue but this is someone I see twice a day 5 days a week not once in a supermarket, or street. Our children are in the same class but because she was rude - it is rudeness it something wrong with me? Like I keep saying maybe I am fixated on the fact no one has basic manners anymore

So, realistically, what can you actually do about someone who you perceive to be intentionally rude to you on a daily basis? What do you think is a viable strategy, other than ignoring them and getting on with your life?

If this 'clique' of women have consciously decided to be rude to you for whatever reason, you're playing right into their hands by letting this become a point of focus for you.

What else can you realistically do, that wouldn't make you look paranoid or peculiar, other than ignore them?

I get you, OP. There are always these little groups at schools. My eldest is year 6 and it's always been the same. It only bothers me in that I wonder what it is about me that makes them not want to speak/acknowledge me way which is my own paranoia rather than anything else (not saying you're paranoid though, just me!) It only really becomes an issue when your child befriends their child(ren) and you have to start asking them for tea and stuff. I find that excruciating but I'm very a little shy at putting myself forwards.
In terms of handling it, I think you just have to ride it a bit. There are lots of friendship groups/circles/cliques and you tend to speak to them at some point during the years your child is at that school. I do find it odd that your DD was ignored by the mum when her child was being called though. Maybe she was in the middle of managing a post-school child grumble.

Thanks FriedPices this is what I mean, no he was scooting she was pushing her buggy when my DD eventually caught up she got her phone out of her pocket, I think so she didn't have to acknowledge her or I. I certainly wouldn't do that if a child was running after my DD but then maybe that's the norm!

She wasn't walking past either she was stood waiting at the top with one of th other women so hardly deep in thought

She's not Winnie the pooh. She doesn't have a signposted thoughtful spot. Most people can be thoughtful in all manner of places.

Ok, so how are you planning to handle this deliberate treatment, other than griping on MN?

I get it. Yes there's friendship groups, but to me the distinction between friendship groups and cliques is isolation from routine social interaction.

I'm not asking for friendship with everyone, but there is a level where ignoring a hello/ smile/ eye contact/ holding a door open etc. is just rude.

I've got no issue with my school playground as a variety of people will acknowledge my existence in different ways most days. I don't have particular friends as DS didn't go to the nursery and I worked FT in the reception. Some acquaintances are more friendly than others, but no one is rude and blanks me even in the more tight knit groups. However, I remember the feeling at toddler groups of feeling a right gooseberry at seeing the same people week in, week out, where you'd be given a look for having the audacity to say "hello" and no one being available to interact with.

I think you've put that very well Somewhat.

Thank you somewhat you have put it much better than I have and that is very similar to me thank you

How long are you all standing there together in the playground for all this rude ignoring and isolating and excluding to be going on? Do you know these women, OP, I mean beyond just happening to be in the same playground twice a day for a few minutes? You were warned about them? Who by? Why? They sound like just a group of friends, I can't remember ever feeling such groups at the school gates owed me any special validation.
It's all so dramatic but at the same time it seems a bit pathetic and needy that you crave so badly the validation of these women. Just ignore them, make your own friends and get on with your life.

If you look for cliques they are all you will see.

I'm a confident sociable and friendly person who has never encountered cliques. My old place was supposed to be very clique and most of my new colleagues mentioned it. But I make sure to be friendly and eventually became friends with everyone.

Having a clique just means close friends. Nothing to be scared of

Why would I give myself a name? Sorry that's very threatening ? I am the polite one currently making the effort to say hello to most ms and dads in my dds class as I don't want to give off the standoffish impression they do. I don't stand their interrupt them or chat in the ear either just a smile and hi if they want to chat fine if not fine

It's 10 minutes at end of the day and sometimes 5 in morning, I am not talking about the whole school either our reception children are in their own area

Yes, toddler groups were painful for me - until I had friends to go with! So maybe I was part of a clique. I would never ignore people though. There are women at school who seem to spot you then appear to deliberately busy themselves with handbag/phone/child/pushchair. One woman I know does this on purpose as she told me she does and it's her own anxiety/awkwardness that makes her do it. But yeah, it's a case of not taking it personally and eventually you will speak and the ice will be broken. Had to do it this week actually with invite to a party. DS has made new friends and I don't know the parents so I awkwardly approach the group. Would be nice to be more confident!

Also, there are some mums who seem to be Queen Bees, they are the ones who volunteer, do the PTA, have a certain appearance for want of a better word (at least at my school) and I don't know them at all but they are noticeable in their confidence and naturalness and the fact that they are always together iyswim. I swing between resenting them and not being that bothered by them but my kids aren't in their years so it makes no particular difference. I have a friend who is in their year though, she was "warned" about them (in what context I don't know) but now is friendly with them because their kids made friends.

Why would I give myself a name? Sorry that's very threatening

Threatening?!

Come one, OP, you can't feel like this for the whole of your child's primary school career, so what do you think are some practical solutions to the situation?

So for 15 minutes out of the 1440 minutes you have each school day these women are being standoffish with you and other parents in the playground. But if you are busy nodding and smiling and saying hi to all the other parents how do you have time to even notice what they're doing? And, again, why does it matter so much to you whether they acknowledge you or not?

I don't get your beef with this either.
I'm not seeing that these women are affecting you in any way by not acknowledging you. If you never exchange a greeting in all the years you stand in that playground, so be it. JUST IGNORE THEM.