AIBU to ask how you deal with playground cliques!

[Onthedowns]

My DD just started reception last year was warned about certain playground mums but ignored it however! There are three mums with younger children who seem to be glued together all the time before school, after school, parties they don't speak to anyone esle or make the effort. One if them I find particularly rude I have stood aside for her to pass and she hasn't acknowledged me just looked straight past me, they never smile say hello or intergrate. She ignored my DD chasing after and calling her son on the way home once too, if I hear someone calling my DD I make sure she at least acknowledges Them, considering my DD was running right beside her she couldn't miss her! I don't speak to every mum either but make an effort to smile and say hello to the ones I see regularly. I know not everyone will get on etc but considering our children are in the same class for the next however many years I find it strange you don't acknowledge people you see every day! It's my dds bday soon and I will be inviting whole class but these mums I don't feel I want too - but of course I will as it's not their children. so how you experienced mumsnetters battle through the minefield of playground politics!

I just take a different view of it and don't let these things bother me. Been in the playground for 10 years now. I have friends, but I talk to anyone, and often don't talk to anyone.
I just let these kind of concerns pass me by.

I understand different friendship groups but I don't acknowledge rudeness or when someone is standing in front of me saying thank you for letting me past completely staring past them , I had lots of shit during my lifetime doesn't cost me manners

You're not on their radar or wavelength, move on and forget about it or you will end up tying yourself in knots over real or imagined slights in the playground for many years to come. It's a waste of energy and not worth the headspace.

"There was a clique of 3 in my DD class."

Or a friendship group.......

" But it takes all of my willpower not to call her out the other day looking past me like a piece of crap!!!"

If you did she'd almost certainly be either utterly horrified, or completely baffled. Followed by fury or apology depending on her personality.

Are you 'Ranty Mum' from another similar thread?! 😀

Seriously? You'd call someone out for not looking at you? You sound very aggressive.

Not not looking at me, I don't get why someone you see twice a day you wouldn't say hi or smile? I am not ranty or aggressive - except when it comes to my children. I think the point is being missed I didn't say I wanted to be their best friend. But I know who they are vice Versa we know each other's children why would you basic manners not acknowledge someone who thanked you? She wasn't in her own either. Sorry but walking around with your nose in the air is just as bad as me 'apparently being aggressive

Not not looking at me, I don't get why someone you see twice a day you wouldn't say hi or smile?

So say hi and smile, lead by example and think about it no more.

OP, I know what you mean. If there isn’t even the smallest nod of the head in acknowledgement of your presence, it can make you feel like a nonperson. I used to work in an office with someone who didn’t say hello or goodbye or indicate in any way that he appreciated I wasn't just a sack of spuds propped up on a chair near his. I tried to engage but it was hopeless. Working alone in an office with him was the most disorientating experience.

And even if you are only together for a few minutes in the playground with people, rather than spending hours together at work, social niceties help you to feel connected and human. If you think there's a chance that the mums in the playground are like my co-worker - socially inept rather than impolite - you could persevere with a cheery hello now and then and see if they eventually respond.

Of course there is also the possibility that they are socially competent but sense you are, in some way, ‘not one of us’. I can remember a few of the mums in my DS’s class in primary school being standoffish. I belonged to a lower socioeconomic group. I'm pretty sure I'm not being paranoid in identifying that as the reason those particular women were reluctant to have anything to do with me - even if it was not a conscious decision on their part. (I'm not suggesting this is your situation!)

Try not to let the behaviour of the other mums get under your skin though, OP. In the end, this sort of stuff really only matters if it impacts on the way the DC behave towards each other.

Well I gave not a shit, and when I did see the cliques if I was also outside I'd just walk up and say hi and join them if there was no one else. Clearly I noted a couple of women would rather I hadn't, but wasn't gonna stand on my own, so would just join in conversation whether they liked it or not. They soon got used to it 😂

However, I'd suggest just to smile and be pleasant and go about your own business. Some women are weird about being in cliques, I suspect issues in their personal lives to make them behave like that.

I don't understand why you need everyone to look at you. Why can't they just pick their kids up and have a chat with their mates without having to centre you? People have dozens of interactions a day where people shift about to let people pass. Have you never been in a lift or on a train or passed someone on a pavement? Not all of these tiny interactions need to be verbalised. It's only ever 'school gate mums' who are expected to interrupt their conversations or daydreams or their looking at shit on their phones to interact with people they don't know. I wonder why that is.

Honestly I wouldn't let it bother you. I say hello to other parents & 2 years on some are only just starting to acknowledge me!

I've put it down to their own shyness or self worth. There's a lot of people out there with weird issues about interacting socially with people they don't know.

Try not to let it get to you - I have found that once people have established a circle of friends that they are happy with, they are very reluctant to make the effort with other people. It upset me to begin with, but now I just let it roll off me. I smile and wave and keep walking.

One thing I would say is, do continue to make an effort with the parents of your dc's friends. It's cynical, but your dc will benefit. Smile, offer help, lifts etc. Make sure they have your phone number. Also, try and develop a thick skin for this - you don't have to be best friends, but it will help your dc's social life!

The playground is full of random people who just happen to have DC the same age (or within six years or so), of yours, and live in the same area. End of story. In the same way that you wouldn't feel you had to get along with everyone in your local Sainsbury's (for instance), you don't have to like or get on with everyone in the playground. If you're lucky, you'll find a few kindred spirits over the years, but like any friendships they won't develop overnight (and if they do then they're likely to fizzle out). The rude ones? Feel free to ignore them back. The nice ones, smile and say hello. And whatever you do, don't worry about it.

Why is a group of women friends a clique? And if they are, how is that affecting you in any way? Is there some reason that people can't just get on with their own lives?

Look OP only you know the score here, but I suggest that if you think this person or these people are being notably and deliberately unsociable, you simply blot them out of your awareness and let them get on with it. It's not your remit to teach them social grace in the playground nor is it even your place to expect it...what they do is up to them. It takes all sorts and some sorts are, for reasons known only to themselves, hatchet-faced ill-mannered besoms whose kids go to the same school as yours.

Just do what I do under the same circumstances...mark them off as a waste of good cheer and look straight past.

In other news, get to know some other parents...anyone who smiles at or starts a convo with me gets a favourable response as I am a friendly sort. Lots of school parents are the same.

Seriously? You seem ready to label these women as rude on the flimsiest evidence. The good thing is that they probably don't give a toss. Just take a leaf out of their book and get on with your life.

You sound pretty aggressive OP - are you sure the women you're referring to aren't picking up on it? You say they're 'walking round with their noses in the air' which sounds to me as if you have a massive chip on your shoulder.

Why do you feel that total strangers should acknowledge you? The only thing you have in common with the others is that your children attend the same school. The woman who you wanted to 'call out' for walking past you was probably deep in thought and didn't even see you... not unusual and certainly nothing to get so angry about. You'll have many years picking up/dropping your children off - if you carry on with the same train of thought as you now have it will make you miserable. If you want to make friends choose others and forget about those already in a friendship group.

I am pleased some of you get it however some day which is fair enough. Like I said it doesn't cost anything but manners to explain pleasantries if your facing each other or children are talking to each other, what shall I do in that situation? Ignore them? Stand away? I have made some lovely friends I don't expect hour long chats and don't interrupt them but basic manners go a long way. Or maybe next time I let someone pass me in the narrow busy lane I shall ignore them look past them when they say thanks to me

She wasn't walking past either she was stood waiting at the top with one of th other women so hardly deep in thought