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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how you deal with playground cliques!

335 replies

Onthedowns · 11/01/2017 21:55

My DD just started reception last year was warned about certain playground mums but ignored it however! There are three mums with younger children who seem to be glued together all the time before school, after school, parties they don't speak to anyone esle or make the effort. One if them I find particularly rude I have stood aside for her to pass and she hasn't acknowledged me just looked straight past me, they never smile say hello or intergrate. She ignored my DD chasing after and calling her son on the way home once too, if I hear someone calling my DD I make sure she at least acknowledges Them, considering my DD was running right beside her she couldn't miss her! I don't speak to every mum either but make an effort to smile and say hello to the ones I see regularly. I know not everyone will get on etc but considering our children are in the same class for the next however many years I find it strange you don't acknowledge people you see every day! It's my dds bday soon and I will be inviting whole class but these mums I don't feel I want too - but of course I will as it's not their children. so how you experienced mumsnetters battle through the minefield of playground politics!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 14/01/2017 09:27

I don't think it's realistic to deny that people are rude or that cliques exist. Nor is it reasonable to assume that everyone's behaviour is down to rudeness. These are just people. And some people are not that nice, some are really busy etc.

The thing is, IMO not to invest too much in other school parents. It feels like a "Community" but it isn't necessarily one

NavyandWhite · 14/01/2017 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoda · 14/01/2017 09:31

Yes, if I'd read Monana's post first, I wouldn't have bothered with mine, as I basically rehashed it

NotYoda · 14/01/2017 09:33

what I would add though, is that I do understand why we mught invest emotionally in school. It's because we care about our kids and so there's emotion there. It might be the first time for years we have to 9or think we have to) make new friends, and because we'll be meeting these people day in day out for a few years

It is a relief when they go to Secondary

Giddyaunt18 · 14/01/2017 09:51

Age old issue.Happens everywhere. Don't give them a second thought.Rude people are rude people, always will be. Concentrate on the normal mothers and fathers.

Magzmarsh · 14/01/2017 10:47

This thread and some other similar ones has really opened my eyes about the way some people define friendships. I'm lucky, I have a lot of good friends but I can't think of a reason why any of us should be branded a clique or accused of excluding anyone, we're just bumbling along. I can only surmise some people read far too much into things and project their own insecurities onto others.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/01/2017 10:58

The thing I have to keep repeating myself about is because quite a few posters get it some don't. It's not 'friendships' that bothered me I have my own friends it was the rudeness and lack of manners. But maybe some posters are like that and that's why they see nothing wrong with rudeness. Manners cost nothing. Maybe it is idealism but wouldn't the country be nicer and not in a shit he it is of people were a bit nicer to each other. Some people have made some really good posts thank you

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 14/01/2017 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magzmarsh · 14/01/2017 11:08

That sounds like a bit of a dig at the posters who disagreed with you op. Isn't it rather rude to suggest people who advised you to ignore them and move on are lacking in manners? Bit of a pot kettle situation there, I don't think anyone said it was ok to be rude just that you shouldn't let it bother you so much.

Magzmarsh · 14/01/2017 11:09

X post with navy

Magzmarsh · 14/01/2017 11:14

...and I suspect "some people have made really good posts" are the minority who agreed with you Wink

NavyandWhite · 14/01/2017 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GimmeeMoore · 14/01/2017 11:24

I don't volunteer or participate in any PTA events and delete their hectoring emails
PTA mums are usual suspects of wags/queen bees who live seem to for school milieu
They don't work so school is their thing,were they exert their limited influence

Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/01/2017 11:24

Actually no it's not most of the posters, you two keep harping back to the same point too and sound like a couple of kids. How is responding to a post on a thread I started not letting it go? No it's not a dig at other posters just you two who have nothing succinct to say yourselves just dig at me every time I post. And it's not just the agreeable posts I find helpful but also the disagreeable ones that weren't as rude as you both. You both clearly keep missing the point , navy it's wasn't the point of just someone not acknowledging me for saying thanks. If you read the post she knows/knew who I am from kids parties children same class a mutual friend etc etc. Not just some random mum in playground. Maybe rudeness and bitchiness is acceptable to you both which also says a lot about you doesnt it

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 14/01/2017 11:25

And Navy stop banging on about letting it, I let it go 7 pages back does that mean I am not allowed to reply to any posts??

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 14/01/2017 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magzmarsh · 14/01/2017 11:32

And there you go again with the nasty personal comments op. You're being rude and bitchy to me as we speak so perhaps taking a good look at yourself would illustrate exactly where your problem lies. You expressed a desire up thread to 'call them out on their crap" which sounds aggressive to me. I respectfully suggest you stop getting so angry about things you can't control or you will end up a very bitter person

NavyandWhite · 14/01/2017 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenGinger2 · 14/01/2017 11:43

I think you'll learn to let it go op.

Yes it is incredibly rude. I have to say playground cliques is very much a thing. I think before children you surround yourself with like minded and in most cases non rude or arrogant people. You are then thrown on a daily basis towards people all of whom won't have the same values.

Acknowledging people you see daily is something I expect children to do and basic manners. Yes they may not be my cup of tea but manners trump that. Also you can never judge a book by it's cover. Women who judge other women and then can't bring themself to acknowledge others on the basis of it have bad manners and frankly aren't worth bothering about. Out of 30 some are going to be rude and arrogant. I learnt to just rise above it and ignore. Make an effort for a while and then just rise above it. I used to make a point of boldly saying hello and smiling. By the end in year 5 I let the mothers so up themselves they couldn't see daylight be the one to smile and a knowledge. If they didn't I merrily strode on by. Their loss. Only invite kids your DC actually want,leave parents out of it was always my mantra.

Secondary is a blessed relief and ime those cliques then flounder having to stand on their own two feet. In my experience kids of non clique mothers cope with the transition better as they too haven't had a clique to rely on and are used to being polite and making an effort.

LunaLoveg00d · 14/01/2017 11:48

I have many years experience of going to playgroups and schools to drop off / collect kids and I firmly believe that cliques are in the eye of the beholder.

I go to school and see four women standing chatting. I think nothing of it. But other people brand them a "clique". I have one acquaintance who constantly thinks that people are "looking at her funny" or passing judgement - they're really not, but she has a massive chip on her shoulder about many different issues. I also think many mothers have unrealistic expectations about the school drop off, they expect it to be some massive social mixing pot where everyone knows everyone and it's constant coffee appointments and nights out. It's not like that at all in my experience - you start off knowing a couple of people, then get to know a few more mostly depending on who your child is friendly with. My eldest child has been at school 7 years and I still don't know all the mums of kids in her class. We have around three dads who regularly pick up from school and stand together in the playground - are they a "clique" too or is this something which just refers to women?

Unrealistic expectations is the issue here, not "cliques".

Giddyaunt18 · 14/01/2017 11:53

Someone who doesn't acknowledge you when you move out of the way for them is rude. It doesn't matter if they are your friend, a stranger or the parent of a child in your child's class. I get it OP, I always smiled or acknowledged other parents of children in my own DC's class if our eyes met. Some became friends but these are people you will see every day for 5/6 years, it's nicer if people are pleasant. There are definitely those types at most schools. I recommend you read 'The Hive' by Sue Hornby, a fictional take on this very topic.

GimmeeMoore · 14/01/2017 11:54

the op is reporting an oft on mn described school-gate cliques,it's there at most schools
And there is a view of course that it doesn't exist and it's merely mum chums
It's most definitely there,usual habitual behaviour.and I doubt it'll ever go away

MonanaGeller · 14/01/2017 11:54

I don't think anyone on the thread has said (either directly or implicitly) that rudeness and bad manners are fine.

What lots of people have said is that, whether intentional or accidental, rude behaviour from others is a fact of life, and there's very little you can do about it, so why let it take up so much space in your head?

As I've asked several times on this thread, what, realistically, do you think you can do about this situation? The only part of this situation you can control is your reaction to it. You cannot change the attitudes or behaviours of others. All you can do is lead by example: be polite, hold your head high, go about your day the best way you can.

In an ideal world, everyone would be pleasant and polite. In an ideal world everyone would also be a capable and considerate driver, but my commute to work is a daily reminder that sadly this is not the case. Some people are not very good at driving and probably don't realise when they're doing something wrong; others are deliberately rude or aggressive. There's nothing I can do about this other than to drive the best way I know how. If I spent my time dwelling on it I'd go crazy and achieve nothing other than ruining my own day. This is exactly the same. You can't do anything about the way these women are, so why waste time and energy thinking about it?

Giddyaunt18 · 14/01/2017 11:57

mona I think the OP is looking for other peoples' opinions and experiences and the acknowledgement that this exists. not a big ask really.

MonanaGeller · 14/01/2017 11:59

Secondary is a blessed relief and ime those cliques then flounder having to stand on their own two feet. In my experience kids of non clique mothers cope with the transition better as they too haven't had a clique to rely on and are used to being polite and making an effort.

Genuine question: if someone is part of an exclusive 'clique' that doesn't mix with non-clique people, how would you know how the members of that clique experienced the transition to secondary school? Presumably the clique keep themselves to themselves, so how would anyone else know they were 'floundering'?