AIBU to ask how you deal with playground cliques!

[Onthedowns]

My DD just started reception last year was warned about certain playground mums but ignored it however! There are three mums with younger children who seem to be glued together all the time before school, after school, parties they don't speak to anyone esle or make the effort. One if them I find particularly rude I have stood aside for her to pass and she hasn't acknowledged me just looked straight past me, they never smile say hello or intergrate. She ignored my DD chasing after and calling her son on the way home once too, if I hear someone calling my DD I make sure she at least acknowledges Them, considering my DD was running right beside her she couldn't miss her! I don't speak to every mum either but make an effort to smile and say hello to the ones I see regularly. I know not everyone will get on etc but considering our children are in the same class for the next however many years I find it strange you don't acknowledge people you see every day! It's my dds bday soon and I will be inviting whole class but these mums I don't feel I want too - but of course I will as it's not their children. so how you experienced mumsnetters battle through the minefield of playground politics!

The best thing you can do is switch off from it as far as humanly possible or it will just make you miserable and frustrated. In the grand scheme of things it is a small part of your life. Some people are rude, some people are ignorant, some people are cliquey, some are unpleasant. Just be yourself and not like them!

Lordy, I well remember this and the relief of leaving it behind after DCs left Primary school (despite making excellent friends and great memories along the way). I never really figured out the rules of engagement (like why it's so difficult for some people to be polite at a really basic level, etc). With hindsight you realise that a lot is down to general insecurities (both our own and fellow parents) as well as echoes of the playground from when we were school age which we suddenly find difficult to shake when we're all grown up. The best advice, as other posters have said, is to be friendly and approachable yourself and live and let live. You sound lovely and will have a group of parents you feel comfortable gravitating towards or who will gravitate to you. These 3 don't have your open attitude and also don't deserve to be taking up any space in your head. Invite the whole class to the party and carry on being inclusive. A happy school (gate) depends on people like you not daft cliques.

OP I can understand your upset at your dd being ignored. That may or may not have been a deliberate act (for example the parent may have been genuinely checking phone as expecting a message). Sometimes we have things on our minds that makes us blinkered. If these people keep being rude, maybe that is just the way they are. Perhaps you could use the party as a chance to communicate with this group. If they are stil rude, you can give up on them in the knowledge you have given it your best shot. I wouldn't be rude back, as you want to set the best example four children. Also, other people may witness it without knowing the background and then you are made out to be the rude one. I smile, say hi and am polite to everyone. Some reciprocate, some don't. I have Been guilty of unintentionally ignoring people before, through not recognising them or being wrapped up in my own thoughts and stresses. Thankfully, my children always pick me up on it so I have chance to apologise and explain next time I see them. I would hate for people to think I am rude or aloof. I have participated in p t a events and tried to get as many people involved as possible. I avoid any bitchy situations as it makes me feel uncomfortable, if this happens I just make my excuses to leave. If this group are genuinely just rude people, then you are better off keeping a polite distance. I have met people I have thought were rude in the past and they have become good friends. One was a mum at school nursery. When I got to know her better I found out she had a pretty traumatic childhood and the nursery teacher reminded her of a teacher who bullied her. She had shit at home and then more shit at school. She has to work really hard to overcome that. She is one of the nicest, most genuine and helpful people I have had the pleasure of knowing. Another was a work colleague who had a rude and condescending manner. When I got to know her better I found out it was down to nerves and trying to prove her worth in her 1st management role. Both times I was glad I continued to be polite and helpful and the trust that was built helped form lasting friendships. I have also met people who are so rude and self absorbed I distanced myself to not get dragged down by their negative energy. You can't control their behaviour, but you can set good examples.

I ignored playground politics (not being aware they existed) and the kids turned out fine(ish). When I was put wise as to what was gong on, it dawned on me that some treatment of my kids could only really be explained on the basis that I was a negligent parent and my kids needed the additional (patronising) help of other parents. At first I found this rather jaw-dropping, but as time went by I realised it is just people: some people help, some criticise, some patronise, some even go as far as suggesting neglect; ignore them all. If the kids love you, and can wink when you do something others frown upon, you are halfway to heaven. Me, I'm almost celestial!

I work ft so never at gates,don't give much of a fuck about the school politics.
My dc are at school,I'm not.the school clique are all wags without jobs.school is their world
It's served me well not being in the school milieu,I'm not aligned to anyone one.so I get no shite

Sadly it seems this is schools all over. Human nature perhaps to stick with those you know.

OP, I can totally sympathise with you as these mums could be in my DDs class. There's a group of them who hang out together and make everyone else feel uncomfortable with their behaviour. I say hello to them if I see them but chat to the friendly mums and my own friends and let them get on with it.

And how exactly are they making you feel "uncomfortable" rosie? This nonsense has me baffled, in what universe is gravitating towards your friends and comfort zone making others "uncomfortable"? I respectfully suggest the difficulty is in the eye of the beholder

Try to ignore the fact they are rude and just be pleasant towards them. One day there may be a reason for them to talk to you and you may discover they are nice. When my child started reception there were mums I thought seemed not my type for different reasons but once we got to know each other despite our different personalities they are really lovely and I'm so glad we all made the effort to get to know each other. We socialise regularly now too

Yep there like this at my daughters school I even went to school with one of the mothers and our daughters are in the same class. I thought this would be nice but she acts like she doesn't even know me.

I'm Pissed off at the minute as there's a party this week my daughter got an invite to I rsvpd the mother about where it was etc. And she didn't answer.. I've even spoke to her at school to ask what's going on to which she said she'd text me and she still hasn't. I'd rather dd not be invited why invite a child to a party in the first place then treat them like this ffs.

I don't quite know why folk give this stuff status it doesn't require.some women don't talk to you...and?
Talk to whom you like.dont sweat it if queen of the school gates ignores you
Find someone likeminded.if no one likeminded put your iPod on chill,collect your kid

Magz, depends how you view things but its their attittude not their friendship thats the problem. They stand in a line blocking the pathway, don't acknowledge others or make up contact, look people up and down then talk openly about them criticising their appearance, shouting at their kids and just trying to intimidate others. It winds a lot of the parents up and the kids as well!

Fair enough Rosie, that's unacceptable

I am one of those people who dont socialise with people at the school gates, thats because im socially inept, painfully quiet, and plain dont want to get in convo with others. But I would never not say thankyou to someone who has cleared the path for me, sounds rude unless i was deep in my own thoughts.

I was worried about this sort of nonsense when DD started school, dreading having to face these sorts, when I was feeling low and vulnerable anyway. I just decided to focus on looking for people I know and like, be friendly, give and return smiles, and notice when others need a smile. Have met lots of lovely people that way. Most sensitive people will go through this, and tbh i haven't a clue why adults would still feel the need to behave in this cliquey way. It's their problem.

Really sorry Rosie it's not as bad as you they sound very much like bullies

Kill them with kindness. Invite the children of course and always be nice. There will always be cliques but the way I see it is you're just there to take your child to school. It's not a social event!

I've honestly never given this much thought. I do see plenty of playground clique threads on mumsnet so they must be a thing, but I do also wonder how much of it is just people not going out of their way to be friendly to other people they don't know, which is fairly normal in my experience.

My approach with frosty types is just to act as if all's well - to be just as cordial as I would be to anyone else, and not worry about the response.

Why do you care? I'm not being an arse, I just genuinely don't understand why you're bothered. I assume you have your own friends so why do these people even cross your mind. Ignore and move on!

Now I have had one or more children going to the same school for 9 years. If I "acknowledged" or passed the time of day with everyone I had ever spoken to in the playground, every day, then the school run would be endless and exhausting. So I tend to drop at last minute and run now I no longer have tinies with me.

Sometimes I will chat with the couple of people I am good friends with. But I am very comfortable standing alone. My priority has always been getting children to school, staying sane, not losing the toddler (when dd1 was 2/3 she was a bolter it was a nightmare), social interaction is pretty low on list of priorities - that means I don't give a shiny shit if people speak to me. I do wonder if I should care more that I don't inadvertently offend folks but tbh at this stage with only 18m to go if active school runs - when dd2 starts middle school she will walk herself the older ones already do - then I feel I am at the end of this stage. After that I am not the Fredo, organising the social lifes of the kids and schmoozing their friends parents. I will not always know them, and it will be up to the kids to sort out between them. Thank fuck.

I have made good friends, frenemies and actively hated some people I met on the school run over the years but feel the whole clique thing is an unhelpful stereotype of the brief encounters you have on a playground.

I've always assumed most people feel that way too. I had no idea the school run was such a quagmire of social offences until MN told me so.

People on the school run are a cross-section of society who happen to have procreated around the same time and within a proximity of a few miles. Some will be rude, some will be shy, some will be both, some will be neither, some will be lovely, some will overstep social boundaries, etc, etc. They may be any or none of these things on a changeable daily basis. Same as any work place, bus queue, football crowd, gym class, and so on.

I've never expected the school run crowd to 'be' a particular way or provide any specific form of interaction. It's a group of random people, with the assorted personality and behavioural types of any random collection of individuals. Any collective expectation of a random group of people (even an expectation of social niceties such as 'thank you') is doomed to failure.

If you work full time or part time I doubt you would notice.
They are just a friendship group like any other.
I don't emphasise friendships to my daughter I just say you need 'great' friends and not to get stuck on one.
It is odd for a start and as adults we don't stick to one person at the exclusion of others. Unless we have grown up yet.
Let it go.