To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

Op are you happy with this man? I can't imagine how you could be. This doesn't sound like a relationship at all, he is so controlling. He sounds incredibly cold and detached from.you. a partner should want to make you happy, not see you as a 'cost'. You are his family but he just sees you as an expense on his budget sheet. You need to change this or look at what your other options are. It makes me sad to.think that anyone lives like this.

I'm not married. But don't the views day about endowing your spouse with all your worldly goods?

Vows say

OP, he can only earn the salary he does because you do the school runs. Are there when your children are sick. Make the meals. Keep the house running.

Your contribution is valuable and essential and you deserve equal access to family finances. You would get so much more than you have now if you divorced him.

Leave. You'd get more than £600 a month on benefits! Your DH is a dick.

When I was a SAHM (through redundancy) our household income was £27k. My DH works very long hours in a stressful job too but never used that as reason to not share.

There are some mouth watering salaries being banded around on here. £600 does seem reasonable for those outgoings. However, the actual issue is the lack of understanding that this is family money. you should not have to beg. My DH was so generous on £1500 a month. I was able to buy clothes and still live frugally.

Mouth watering and eye watering

Blimey OP. £600 wouldn't even cover 2 weeks of childcare for 2 children full time. Does he see his wife as being less valuable than a childminder?

Wouldn't you be better off leaving him and claiming benefits and child maintenance?

So, I'm temporarily a SAHM (for the next six months). The deal DW and I have is that her salary goes into a joint account that household bills, kid stuff, food, cars etc come out of. What is left is divided into half and we each get a personal allowance from that. Because we're a family. He sounds awful.

Presumably your car is used to drive your joint children around? Do you not have a joint account with a card where you can pay for petrol, food bought in between big weekly shops, kids clothes etc - stuff that relates to the family. Then your £600 would go a lot further for your own personal expenses?

While you're at home looking after your children, you're saving him in the region of £2,000 a month. That's how much it costs to put two children into childcare. So stop feeling so 'lucky' - he'd be paying out a lot more if you decided to go back to work (or divorced him).

I'm a SAHP, DH earns about 2/3rds of what your DH does. All our commitments (including non essentials - like a mobile each, Netflix, fuel for my car) get paid for out of his income and then we split the rest down the middle. Equal frittering money. If we're doing big ticket items, we pay jointly. That's a fair way of doing it. Your set up isn't fair at all.

It would be interesting to understand his expenses. If he puts in 1k to mortgage each month, 500 to groceries and say 500 to other regular bills then he has nearly 3k left. 600 goes to the OP. He still has 2k left. Maybe he has some commuting expenses so let's knock off another 500.
He has 1500 to the 200 pp the other members of his family get. Even if he saved 1k each month in a joint savings account, he still has nearly as much for him each month as the OP & dc have.
I'm guessing he doesn't save into a joint account.
PND often occurs in situations where a woman cannot cope with the situation she's in. A lack of support is a risk factor.
In his head he houses and feeds you and that's his duty. He has failed to accept the other stuff that you do. If you couldn't run a car, have a mobile etc how would that be?
Can you shift the burden of occasional shopping expenses back into his realm?

Gah reading that back it sounds less supportive than I meant. DH got a biggish cheque for Xmas from MIL. Half has gone to me plus a bit for Xmas expenses. Now that I'm feeling guilty about! My half will go into home improvents.

Why should he solely benefit from his salary? If you weren't at home he would have to pay for childcare and do his share of the housework and dropping and collecting the DC's from school/nursery and take time off when they are ill or on holiday. Why do you feel guilty for being financially abused - get it sorted!

How long have you been working for this man you call "Husband" ? Your 'employer' is seriously ripping you off, it's almost as if you're subhuman!

Gosh this sounds exactly like my SIL! She's now gotten herself an evening job in a shop working 7-11pm five evenings a week while her DH reluctantly looks after his children.
She transfers most of her wages to my DP (her brother) for him to save for her. She is saving up to leave with the children.
So sorry you're going through this OP

OP you are ignoring a lot of replies. Your head is in the sand.

You are providing free childcare to enable him to go out to work!! That is why the money he earns is family money.

If you divorced you'd be entitled to half his savings so you'd be better off doing that tbh. Good luck - hope this thread kicks you into action.

Yes you are expected to do a lot with that £600! YANBU - I know it's hard but I would ask for more money

This is financial abuse.

I'm sorry you are going through this, you need to talk to him and explain why his actions are wrong. He needs to give you full access to all of he money.
If he doesn't, you seriously need to think about whether you want to stay in a controlling marriage.

Op you need to read every comment here and then go away and digest it. It sounds like you feel guilty for being a sahm, when you should actually look and see that you are proudly taking care of your children. The trade off for this is your dh should see this as a partnership and unfortunately he doesn't. You are actually a single parent and living on 'benefits'.

Forgive me for saying but I think your pnd has got you to the point of no self esteem or confidence. Can you honestly not see the value in what you are doing i.e. Raising happy healthy dcs? Does that make you less worthy because you are not out there earning 90k?

I urge you to think about what we are all saying. Your situation is far from normal. Please go and talk to someone and start looking at your worth and wellbeing. Because I don't think he will.

He is abusive.

In the short term to stop food top ups - order long life milk, buy wraps, pitta (longer dates) and freeze an extra loaf, buy dried fruit (I always have dried mango, banana, cranberries, raisins etc) as extra the day or two before the delivery. Or Get a delivery every week and a fruit/veg box delivery on a different day.

But your situation is not normal my dh is a sahd and has equal access to funds (in fact savings are in his name for tax efficiency). Ask yourself if roles were reversed would you share your wages? Would he expect you to?

Keep copies of savings accounts, pensions etc - if you do split he is going to be a greedy dad.

Also does he not have private medical through work? Mine covers my family (I pay more tax for this benefit). This would provide counselling, although there may be an excess of £150 or so to pay... I have a feeling he would prefer not to pay an excess.

Child benefit charge - are you getting NI credits? Dh claims CB and I pay it back in tax, partially because if you ever suffered an income drop under 50k - bad health, accident, redundancy, large pension contribution etc they don't back date to beginning of the tax year.

Ask yourself why doesn't he want to share with you? Why does he see you as second class citizens in your family? I want my dh and kids to enjoy activities, have clothes they feel good in. It's important his car is fixed quickly for safety and so he can go out. We spent more to get a safe car, which we put in his name as he drives it. I want them to enjoy their life.

I bet his colleagues, friends and family don't know how his wife has to scrimp and go asking her mum and dad to help out.

He is treating you like a cheap servant. The only reason, now he has children, that he can earn his money is because of you. Without you, he'd have childcare bills, cleaning bills and have to do all the household admin himself. He can't do that and earn £90k.

A partnership means things are shared. You do shared washing, shared meals. He earns shared money. You pool your resources.

There is a lot more material and more resources out there now educate women about financial abuse. He doesn't not give you the money you need. He discouraged you from returning to work. He shouts, or argues, in order to threaten you with worse if you defy him. You need to get some legal advice and try and extract yourself from this marriage. He is keeping you prisoner.

Google 'financial abuse' and start reading up on how things should be, and how your life is, and see how many alarm bells ring.

I'm a SAHM. We move £600 in my account every month to cover food, kids clubs, clothes for kids etc.

I don't pay for petrol, car repairs or haircuts with that money.

Most months it doesn't cover everything but I always have access to move more. I try to budget for our family sake not so my husband can feel that he has me on a string.

Your husband is financially abusive.

I would be very worried.

When I go back to work my husband and I will both cover after school clubs or if I went back to work today full childcare costs.