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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

240 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 11/01/2017 20:52

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Spindelina · 11/01/2017 21:59

I'm female and work full time. My DH is a SAHD.

My salary goes into a joint account. All the bills, food, expenses to do with DD, jointly agreed expenditure on the house etc comes out of that account.

Both of us have a set amount of 'pocket money' each month for spending on whatever we want. Mine tends too go on craft supplies, coffee and eating out; he tends to save up and buy stuff for his hobby. But the point is it's only ever non-essentials. He gets more 'pocket money' than I do because it costs money (in coffee, bus fares, whatever) to look after a child.

I reckon my situation (albeit with the sex roles reversed) is more normal than yours.

Olympiathequeen · 11/01/2017 22:01

He is exerting financial control over you and it's a form of abuse.

Get in touch with women's aid just to talk to someone about the situation

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 11/01/2017 22:02

If he's a facts and figures man, could you put together a spread sheet of all the typical monthly expenses, allow 20% for misc, include a clothes allowance, haircut/ personal grooming allowance for you and each of the DC, allow for maintenance on the car etc.

I'm concerned that you're not claiming child benefit because it affects your pension. Have you read up on this no doubt theres a way of protecting it.

Vickyg43 · 11/01/2017 22:04

I'm in a similar situation, although DH earns nowhere near that in our house. It doesn't feel great though. I can sympathise. x

liz70 · 11/01/2017 22:05

Ask yourself what would happen if you fucked off and left home tomorrow, leaving this selfish twat to look after his children and keep home himself. The childcare and cleaner etc. costs to enable him to keep working would be a damn sight more than £600 pcm. Hmm

Oldbutstillgotit · 11/01/2017 22:05

Flouncing - OP can't claim CB as her husband earns too much .

StealthPolarBear · 11/01/2017 22:06

She can!

albertcampionscat · 11/01/2017 22:07

I do hope this is a reverse. YABVVVU.

MrGrumpy01 · 11/01/2017 22:07

For some people £450 is more than they have to buy everything that is needed and they manage to do so with neglecting their children.

However the amount of money is irrelevant. It is what is going on around this that is the issue.

Chippednailvarnishing · 11/01/2017 22:07

Old yes she can, he would need to pay a tax charge.

HelenaGWells · 11/01/2017 22:07

He was unpleasant about the £600.
He will interrogate me as to why I need it and I will end up backing down. I mean I am managing. It's just I can't afford stuff like haircuts / new shoes but that's the trade off for getting to be at home?

No it isn't. This is NOT normal op. The children are BOTH of your responsibilities. The norm in circumstances where a couple has decided that one of them will stay at home is that the other person makes sure they have access to enough money to run the household. This will include money to feed and clothe the kids, pay for any other child related expenses and most importantly that any surplus money after essentials BOTH people can access to buy themselves clothes etc.

It is not normal for you to have to scrimp to buy things for the kids and for you to have NOTHING to get a haircut or replace damaged clothes because he earns 90k a year and is too mean to give you any of it.

MrGrumpy01 · 11/01/2017 22:08

Albert why?

InfiniteCurve · 11/01/2017 22:08

"I don't get a say in anything because I don't contribute financially."
Or maybe he doesn't get a say in anything because he contributes nothing to the family apart from money?

MrsJamin · 11/01/2017 22:08

OP are you ok? This must be a lot to take in. Your DH is abusing you financially, it is obvious to all of us that he gets a great deal and you do not.

StealthPolarBear · 11/01/2017 22:09

Guessing she means the op ibu to thibk she should struggle

Earlgreywithmilk · 11/01/2017 22:10

it is his money

NO ITS NOT!!

Is this a joke?

Kanga59 · 11/01/2017 22:12

If he doesn't have a clue how much things are then tell him. why aren't the club's set up as dd from his account or why don't you pass him the invoices. you're allowing this. It won't change until you change it.

Oldbutstillgotit · 11/01/2017 22:12

Chipped - how likely is OP's husband to do that ?

MrGrumpy01 · 11/01/2017 22:13

Ok. I thought she meant the OP was unreasonable to be expected to live off £600. It's getting on for a lot of posts since I read the OP.

Justme3 · 11/01/2017 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeritysWatchTower · 11/01/2017 22:14

I weep for women like this.

I have been a SAHM for 12 years, I have a credit card to spend on (because it earns us cashback) it is paid for by direct debit by Dh.

I also have access to cash in the bank too for things like my mobile hairdresser who comes every 6 weeks to cut and colour my hair as well as cut the children's hair.

I have a lovely new car, paid for by Dh and the petrol that goes in it and allows me to do a school run, is paid for by Dh.

He would never want me to beg and grovel for money, or try to dictate whether I should get a pair of jeans.

And no, realistically if your Dh earns enough then you should never struggle. He certainly isn't.

Your parents should not be bailing you out, you need to put on your big girl pants and tell your Dh you need more money.

Ds1 is almost 14 and in adult sized clothes plus size 8 shoes. Of course this is going to cost more than a child in aged 6 clothing. The "allowance" you have needs to increase to cover all of your expenditure.

Lynnm63 · 11/01/2017 22:15

I hope that this isn't real because if it is then it's beyond sad. I'm not doubting you op just I'd feel happier if you were making it up.
Your 'd'h is a financially abusive arse. I generally subscribe to the view that you try and resolve marital problems and don't say LTB because he ate the last slice of cake.
This though I'd give him one chance to play fair where you get half of the family disposable income AFTER food and bits for the dc are taken out.
I'd also produce an invoice at going rates for laundry, cleaning, childcare, admin anything that you do. Showing EXACTLY how much YOU CONTRIBUTE to the finances. He'd have to either do these things himself or pay for them you are facilitating his high end job. If he doesn't shape up real quick get a lawyer and leave. You will be do much better of financially and emotionally. He won't get away with £600 a month then.
Good luck OP.

HelenaGWells · 11/01/2017 22:15

Am I the only person who thinks £600 sounds quite generous pocket money?

It's NOT pocket money as she is paying a LOT of expenses I would expect to be household expenses. Running her own car being the main one and top up shopping and buying the kids clothes and paying for clubs etc as the other.

OP is paying all her own car expenses including fuel, insurance and from other posts also MOT, repairs etc. She also pays for her phone and any top up shopping outside of the weekly shop. As well as this she also has to pay for things for the DC including clubs, clothes, treats etc. The final thing is all her own clothes, hair dresser appointments and any other expenses.

It seems like her DH has washed his hands of the kids. He appears to contribute nothing towards their general expenses and it also seems like the OP would be expected to pay ALL the childcare costs if she was to return to work.

icy121 · 11/01/2017 22:16

OP go back to work. Do not be financially dependant on anyone, ever. It might be shit when kids are little but you'll keep your career in play and then you can really make it pay for yourself and your family tbh when they're at school and not so dependant. It might also mean that you and DH are more 'on the same page' if you're both earning and he doesn't feel put upon/that he needs to control your spending.

Beebeeeight · 11/01/2017 22:17

Send him a lawyer's letter with how much a divorce would cost him!

Abuse isn't just about getting a slap.

He is hurting you and you DCs in a much more vicious and damaging way.

Get out.

You will literally be better off without him.