To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

Erm I find your thinking really weird. Im equal to dh wether I work or not. Its our money. Fuck that.

What kind of person lets the person they ostensibly love and are committed to struggle financially,when that person is looking after their home and their children and is also fighting PND?
I say financially abusive too.
He is able to do his job at least in part because you are at home taking care of things and looking after his children.Would he be happy to sort out childcare for the 2 weeks he is away each month if you went back to work full time?

I don't really understand why anyone would think this was an okay situation would be in. "Are you nuts?" is my automatic response.

One of the fundamentals of being a couple, by marriage or any other setup, is having an equal partnership. Being financially equal falls into being a equal partnership. Being financially equal means you both profit through a large salary, or suffer together in times of hardship. If either side of the couple thinks the other if not entitled to that, is an idiot and doesn't deserve to be part of a couple.

I have no solution to your situation, only an answer to the original question. No, when one person earns £90k, the other should not struggle financially. You should both be living a comfortable life.

I speak as a SAHM, whose husband sees the salary that his employment pays to be 'our' money.

I agree with your mum, you shouldnt be struggling financially if your DH, father of your 2 DCs, earns £90k.

Even if he thinks you should go back to work, I still think it all should be "family" money.

We have a rule that anything over £100 is to be discussed and agreed but anything less not discussed.

OP - I can't believe this is for real
Your husband is highly abusive and it's no wonder you have PND.
How have you tolerated this?
I'm a SAHM. I haven't worked for about 14 years. There is no concept of anything but family money and it's as simple as that.
You can not continue to live like this.

It's not his money it's family money he should be properly supporting his family financially like you are by staying at home stop feeling guilty. He is either completely deluded or deliberately financially abusive towards you and your children

This is the 21st century not the 1950s where the husband is put on a pedestal and gives the little wife some housekeeping money.

This is so wrong in every way. Grrr!

This is honestly the saddest thing I have read on here in quite a while

Google financial abuse op. There's no such thing as "his" money and "my" money in a marriage when you have children...it's family money.

At the very least you need to start claiming child benefit straight away & whatever you do get it paid into a bank account of your own not his. That way you are protecting your state pension rights while you're not working. Your oh then pays it back via his tax return.

Do you know what he pays out for mortgage and all bills ? And does he pay for the food shop ? And car finance or anything ? Wondering what he's left with to actually spend.

Am I the only person who thinks £600 sounds quite generous pocket money ?
I'm pretty much a SAHM too without child benefit, husband doesn't give me any allowance. we have a joint acc just to pay bills, so his money is his and I don't have access to it (it's better that way). Instead he gave me credit cards and he can see all my expenditures that way. If i need to buy something specifically for myself I let him know. I pay cash when I go to McDonald so I don't get caught for eating junk. 😆

Why Cazz?

You know really, the minutiae of what is technically fair should not even come into it if he loves you and his dc.

Still, he is basically expecting you to be available 24/7 for childcare and probably housekeeping also. This means you are enabling him to -

1. Save money on what would be his contribution to childcare, which should be at least 50% and could potentially be more if you are unwell or in other circs.
2. Keep his current job and high salary, as if you did not do this he would almost certainly have to take a job that would give him more flexibility and time at home. This not only enables what he earns and does now, but I'm the future in terms of salary negotiation and experience.
3. Keep his earning potential higher by staying in the workforce, while you will have the issues of being a returner to work.
4. Have the support of being able to work without having to do all the housework or pay someone to do it.
5. Have the advantage of knowing his children are being cared for by a loving parent.

There are probably a million things I could add to that list, but trying seeing it in reverse....if he were unwell and were also doing all childcare while you were working, would you expect him to be given a small stipend and to be begrudged even that? I suspect you would be saying, gosh, I am so lucky he has enabled me to keep working and still seeing him as doing you a favour.

My mum has said something because there have been times when she and my dad have had to help me with things (they've paid for me to have CBT when the NHS wait was so long) and they feel like they are subsidising dh. They've also helped me out with my car once too (about £80 not hundreds). I never ask them, ever - it isn't their job to support me - and it makes me feel like shit that they've had to. I suppose the CBT wasn't vital but it has been a fairly awful twelve months.

I suppose I don't feel equal. I don't get a say in anything because I don't contribute financially. Dh has always massively outearned me so for bigger expenses (holidays, cars, home improvements) it's always been this way really.

Hmm. We have about 4.5k coming in a month, and after mortgage, bills, food and petrol we have about £800 to play with.

I thought your £600 was for food and everything. If it's just for extras that's slightly different, perhaps that's genuinely what's available?

I still think you should have access to money for unexpected things, cars and new jeans etc. And your phone should come out of the family pot.

If you have a high mortgage and bills this might not be as ba as it sounds.

I pay cash when I go to McDonald so I don't get caught for eating junk. 😆

Creepy as hell that you only have access to credit cards specifically so he can track your spending

Cazz, that situation is even worse than the OP's in my view, as at least her DH doesn't police her every expenditure!!

Does his contribute anything other than money. dazzling that rounds weird too as if he monitors what you spend and eat

So what would make things better for you? Do you want more money, or just equal and fair access to the money that he earns?

Do you know what he brings home? Where the rest of his wage goes? Do you, as a family, have any savings? As a SAHP with two children to look after, do you know how financially solvent you are?

Because I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't...

This situation sounds so sad and OP you sound like you are really struggling with your mental health (which probably isn't being helped by your husbands behaviour). No staying at home should not mean serious economic sacrifice. The situation is completely unacceptable and sounds like financial abuse. You have the right to see this money as shared money. He has no right to get angry with you when you raise the issue of money. It sounds like your mum has picked up on this and is unhappy. Can you speak to her more about it?

OP. I just wanted to express my sympathy for the position you are in. I work PT and my DH FT. His income is way more than mine. Occasionally I get jokes from him about him being the breadwinner and implications he should have more say than me on family spending. I remind him I supported him through college and I would be able to make myself a 'career' rather than just have a job if I wasnt looking after our kids most of the time. You really must try and stick up for yourself. Prepare a comprehensive list of what adequate monthly spending would be (including jeans and haircuts which are basics) and dicuss this with him. It's really not fair or nice what he is doing, at all. A marriage should be a partnership. You should have free access to the family money.

You don't feel equal because you are not being treated as an equal. Sadly, I do not for one minute think a man like this will change, so you should probably think about your exit plan. You will have plenty more money when you divorce him.

Oh you poor thing.

Of course the CBT was vital, its your health and happiness at stake.

This thread is really sad. Dh sounds like a cunt.

Cazz try living as an adult, you might enjoy it.

He has a lot of savings - me not so much. He is definitely financially solvent. His family are quite well off and so he also gets some money from them (at Christmas he had £10,000).