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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

240 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 11/01/2017 20:52

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 11/01/2017 21:46

He's supposed to love you and be a partner. This is very wrong.
You are saving him a fortune in childcare, house cleaner, cook, laundry etc.
If you broke up he'd have to pay more than £600 a month to you for the children, you'd actually be better off financially as you'd get child benefit too. Apply for Child benefit it'll be taken from his wages in tax if he's over 60,000 a year and it'll go straight into your account and benefits you for your National insurance contributions towards your Pension.
He's being abusive, time for a big talk about money with him.

Baylisiana · 11/01/2017 21:46

Well, there you are OP. He would not give you 80 pounds for a one off repair to the car that is presumably used to ferry his kids around? How is that reasonable?

Trifleorbust · 11/01/2017 21:46

If it's just for extras that's slightly different, perhaps that's genuinely what's available?

Why should the OP not be able to make financial decisions about 'what's available' for herself?

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 11/01/2017 21:47

This is alien to me. All money is our money. We're raising 4 kids on a 25k salary...there's no way you should be struggling on almost 4 times that and with half the number of children!!!

YorkiesGlasses · 11/01/2017 21:47

I'll just put it out there. You'd be entitled to far more if you left him - and deservedly so.

MrsDustyBusty · 11/01/2017 21:48

Cazz, what was the laughy face for? Hiding what you eat because an adult is monitoring your expenses and what you eat is appalling.

katand2kits · 11/01/2017 21:48

He had ten grand and you couldn't afford a pair of jeans? What the actual fuck? This is not a man who loves you at all. You need to get out. I am sure that if you speak to your parents and tell them all of this that they will also want you to get out and will provide practical support.

streetylight · 11/01/2017 21:48

I've been in a similar situation. So I wrote down everything I spent, kept all receipts and basically stated my case. I was sick of having to justify everything I spent but when you put it down in black & white it can't be denied. If he expects cut backs then cut back on food quality, loo paper quality etc anything that affects him and see if he's happy. You are a human being and expect to be treated as such. If you can't have your hair done and buy clothes you need it will affect your mental health, how you look can really changes how you feel which surely rubs off on every aspect of family life. I've been there and understand how you feel. Your husband is essentially withholding money he should be providing for his family.

DaftJelly · 11/01/2017 21:48

What did he do with his 10k Christmas present?

The more you post the more I agree he's abusive.

poshme · 11/01/2017 21:49

OP, please read carefully what everyone is saying.

You DO contribute. And it is "financial" in that you are much cheaper than childcare.

I was SAHM for 10 years. DH was earning similar to yours. He would give me set amount of cash each month into my bank for spending as and when. Most things I put on a credit card, which he paid off. There was never any questioning of why I'd spent money. If the bill was unusually high we'd probably have a conversation that we needed to be careful the following month.

All our savings are in my name- everything. It means that he didn't have to pay tax on it.

Big financial decisions- car/holidays/ furniture were discussed, with both of us having equal say. Because that is marriage.

It is our money. He earns it, but only because I stay at home and do kids/ house etc.

He is not being fair. You would get far more from him if you were apart. He needs to change his entire mindset.

Please think carefully about how much harder this is going to get if you don't change things now. Children get more expensive. And they are his responsibility as much as yours.

Good luck

happypoobum · 11/01/2017 21:49

Bollocks would I live like this.

Assuming this is genuine, you need to sit down with him and explain that you cannot continue to suffer. It isn't fair. Either he treats you as an equal partner and you have a joint account, or you will consider whether you want to stay married to him.

I imagine you would be far far better off if you split...........

I also think your depression would probably improve, because, as titania said, your husband is indeed a cunt.

PatriciaHolm · 11/01/2017 21:49

Are you actually reading any of the replies?

Are you even beginning to see how abusive he is?

MrsDustyBusty · 11/01/2017 21:50

Instead of doing what streetylight suggested, just leave rather than spending months proving that forcing you to live in penury is wrong to someone who basically doesn't care.

MrsArthurShappey · 11/01/2017 21:51

He had £10,000 for Christmas? What did his parents give you? Or did they think he'd be sharing that?

melj1213 · 11/01/2017 21:51

They've also helped me out with my car once too (about £80 not hundreds). I never ask them, ever - it isn't their job to support me - and it makes me feel like shit that they've had to.

OP, your DH appears to be clearly financially abusive, as I'm pretty sure everyone has agreed on, but say for this example, of needing £80 for the car, I assume there was no money left from your housekeeping allowance, so did you talk to your DH about it first and if so, what was hs response? Or did you not even ask him and go straight to your parents for help?

Whilst your DH appears to be controlling with money, have you actually sat down with him and discussed this? Have you actually talked about how the money you get isn't enough if you also have to cover any emergency costs from it too? If you do incurr emergency costs why aren't you telling him that you need £XX for car repairs? He might be more than aware of your struggling, but equally he might be assuming that since you don't ask for extra money for emergency incidents, you've got it covered with the money he already gives you.

fabulous01 · 11/01/2017 21:52

This is exactly the reason why I work.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 11/01/2017 21:54

This is so sad to read. Sad

Sadly, I think you're aware that this isn't normal and that you're being treated like shit by your husband. I can assure you that you're not alone. But it doesn't make it OK.

I'm sorry about your PND; it's a horrible thing to live with. I can imagine it makes you feel extra vulnerable about all this.

You don't deserve to be treated this way. Not because of your illness, not because you don't work, none of it. I hope you can get to a point to seek real life help to get away from him.

littletike · 11/01/2017 21:54

Whilst I agree with some of the comments about the balance being unfair I can't get past the £150 a month for food on top of the weekly online shop! How the heck do you spend that on milk, bread etc? what are you spending the other £450 on?

StealthPolarBear · 11/01/2017 21:54

Your partner refused to pay for healthcare you needed. Fucker. Does he even claim to love you?

liz70 · 11/01/2017 21:55

Your "D"H sounds like a mean, selfish, penny-pinching tight arse tbh, OP. I can't understand why anyone would put up with that, really I can't. Confused

Babyhiccups · 11/01/2017 21:55

HE has savings because he earns a fuck ton of money and only gives you a small percentage of it. YOU are allowing him to build a huge amount of savings which do not benefit you or the family.

How can a man with over £10k in his savings not allow his wife money for car repairs or clothes? Do you feel like this strain has attributed to your PND?

NicknameUsed · 11/01/2017 21:55

"I don't get a say in anything because I don't contribute financially."

That is utter bollocks.

It seems to me that you have been brainwashed into believing this.

A marriage is not a business partnership where both parties contribute finances equally. A marriage with children should be about sharing. Sharing chores, sharing childcare, sharing finances, sharing everything. If you can't do that it is not what I would call a marriage.

As Yorkies has pointed out, you would be costing him a lot more if you separated.

mowglik · 11/01/2017 21:56

OP you don't sound like you are taking any of the replies on board. And you sound like you have no self worth.

I'm a SAHM but my DH always always told me (had to convince me because I thought similarly to you at first, it's his money etc) when I first gave up to look after dc that it was OUR money, because he couldn't live the life or earn what he was earning or have the same family life without me sacrificing a career while the dc are small.

You keep saying you feel sorry for him having to work, SAHMs make sacrifices too.

Please stand up for yourself. Also your poor children are getting the worst possible example and it doesn't seem like he is treating them as his own, or as his joint responsibility.

MrsDustyBusty · 11/01/2017 21:57

I can't get past the £150 a month for food on top of the weekly online shop! How the heck do you spend that on milk, bread etc? what are you spending the other £450 on?

You've probably met a kid once or twice. They grow, need clothes, school supplies, activities, toys, you know, the things that, when they're missing are indicators of neglect.

wannabestressfree · 11/01/2017 21:57

He had ten grand and you can't get jeans? Your husband should want you to have cbt to get better and pay, it's shameful.

Caz your husband sounds like your dad.