To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

I want to repeat what I said earlier that not being in control of my life caused depression, it wasn't deliberate behaviour by my DH , more the demands of his high-flying job (though that was his choice) . Also the pressure from everyone that I was privileged to not have to work. I was privileged but also very lonely and bored and 'felt trapped'in this situation.

Skating I think I recognise you from previous usernames - if I have it right you have been very unwell since the prem birth of your second child and your husband is not only emotionally unsupportive of you and totally not understanding of your mental state, but now also keeping you poor too?

You need to think about what everyone here is saying.... My DH earns just a but more than yours but we've ALWAYS had joint accounts and family money. I wouldn't go out and buy a new iPad or something expensive without discussing it, but I don't need to justify every spend to him. That is not normal and would be exceptionally draining, even for someone without mental health issues.

Have you managed to get proper support for the PND and health anxiety yet?

My ex husband was like this, but I got the odd few coins daily. He was a gambling addict and eventually I divorced him, obviously.

It's no way to live at all. I was a carer for two children as well and I didn't even get that. No, I didn't have to pay anything but there is not much worse than having to ask your husband for a few quid if you want to go meet a friend or just want money. I knew it was wrong right from the start, I was just a young 20 year old who felt trapped.

My husband is a SAHD/disabled and I work in a very low paid job and only 24 hours a week tops but it's a hard job on top of my caring duties. My wage is our money. It all goes into one pot.

OP you must know this is wrong.

whathehellhappened the OP said she shops online and it's just top ups that come out of the £600 like bread and milk. what the OP spends on these between shops is almost as much as I spend on our whole food bill per month.

The £600 also covers petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts

If your husband, who earns £90k won't even buy you a pair of jeans then there is something seriously wrong in your marriage. Please think long and hard about divorce.

I feel like the DH is doing this deliberately to force the OP to leave the marriage.

I'm in a similar position OP & have previously posted on MN about it. In fact it was MNetters who made me realise it is not normal or healthy. Is he quite controlling? It sounds like he might be which can make it quite hard to raise these issues with him?

There is a misconception (I think) that when you are a SAHM you should be grateful that you are able to stay at home. I've found that if you realise you are doing what's best for the family at this time & also supporting DHs career as well running the home etc. your outlook changes which in turn can help raise any issues with DH.

Is this thread real?!

OP, I think I'd divorce him - you might even find yourself better off financially.

@MistressMaisie that is also what I was trying to say!

I'm shocked that your parents are financially supporting your family when your household get 5K a month from your 'D'H

Hi OP I hope you're still reading. I know it can be hard to see people calling the person you married, who lies in your bed at night, kisses you, fathered your children, etc. abusive, when you have sort of justified it in your head. You talk a bit about how you expect to be short of cash in order to be able to stay home with your kids as though it's a payment you personally have to make rather than a family decision you both share the costs and benefits of (even though it sounds like he wanted you to stay home with them too).

I just want to ask have you thought about how you would expect to treat him if your roles were reversed? If you were the one who had a large salary and he was looking after your joint children, would you expect to choose where you go on holiday yourself without him having an equal say? Would you expect to have thousands in the bank while he struggled to maintain the car? Would you expect him to worry about money every month while you spent as you pleased? What would be your expectation there?

Been reading some other threads you've posted on, OP. You sound terribly sad in your marriage. How has today been?

OP? Are you taking any of this in?

Tbh I think SAHM who has no history of reckless spending, accruing debt etc. who does not have access to a joint account, is settling for being treated as less than equal. Wtf is all this shit about "his" money - if he wants to keep "his" money to "his" precious self, then he can fuck off and live a bachelor's life, not that of a husband/partner with a family.