To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

Well I can't spend anything extra to what I have. So if an unexpected expense comes up (car repairs or something) then I really struggle that month.

If you feel guilty he has all the stress of work then get a job. Be treated as an equal.

Yabu, your situation isnt normal. I don't know any person who only gives their stahp and 2 kids 600.mth to live on.

I feel guilty that he has all the stress of work. It is his money

Wtaf.......?

He pays the mortgage and we online food shop although I buy stuff during the week / ten days between online deliveries.

Your husband is an idiot

You need to get place some worth on being his very cheap housekeeper / childminder

You'd be far, far better off having the stress of work, too. I imagine working can't possibly be as stressful as trying to run a family on a pittance.

I had a job but I've been really really unwell since having dc2. I couldn't go back right now. But even if I did I wouldn't be much better off because of the childcare costs.

I'm so sorry Op but this is not normal. You should not be struggling whilst he lives a comfortable life. He doesn't see you as an equal.

I would take his entire wage and give him '£600' for expenses

You need to tell your DH that you need more money. Why are you hiding that fact from him?

If he gets annoyed when you talk about money for you and the children then that is quite abusive. You should be able to talk about what you need. He's on a good salary, you shouldn't be struggling to buy clothes.

I'll say it again. They are both of your children, so why aren't the childcare cost split?

Sorry, but why would most of YOUR salary be taken up with the childcare costs if you went back to work? Are they not his children, or something??

You and your husband are both working from the starting point that the children are 100% your responsibility and 0% his. Hence even your children's clothes and clubs are paid for out of the fucking pittance he gives you to live on each month.

You and your husband are also both working from the starting point that your contribution to the family unit is worth fuck all.

You need a serious chat. This is financial abuse.

When you go out for a meal does he get lobster and champagne while you have the side salad and tap water?

He was unpleasant about the £600.
He will interrogate me as to why I need it and I will end up backing down. I mean I am managing. It's just I can't afford stuff like haircuts / new shoes but that's the trade off for getting to be at home?

Op when you say you've been seriously unwell if you don't mind me asking have you had depression?

What kind of feelings or respect does he have for you if he is happy to see you go without or struggle whilst he treats himself. Sounds like you might be being a bit of a martyr though.

'What's yours is mine, what's mine is yours'

It's a fundamental of marriage

Don't be so ridiculous. "Trade off"?!?

No its not. Really. The only people who think that are abusive men and downtrodden wives.

Yes PND.

Why are car repairs coming out of your allowance? That's joint surely?

You need your head examined op.

How about you present him with a childcare bill for all the free childcare you're providing for his children, which enables him to earn this £90k?

Would I bugger accept pocket money from DH whilst he spent whatever he wanted.

You can't be serious

Horrible behaviour. My h is on around the same salary, all our money is joint, no questions asked on spending it. He couldn't earn the high salary or put the same effort into his job if I wasn't a sahm - each person's contribution to the family is seen as equal and my h definitely doesn't see it as 'his money'.