To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

" Oldbutstillgotit

Chipped - how likely is OP's husband to do that?"

His problem. He'll either declare it and pay it, or he won't and he'll be chased for it. In the meantime the op will have it.

You're being treated like some kind of bonded servant, my love. Please try to take on board the replies.

One more question - who actually does this online grocery shop every week or ten days? Is enough being bought, if you're having to use a quarter of your allowance to top up? How would your husband react if for example you asked to buy several extra loaves of bread and 4-pint packs of milk to freeze when you do the online shop, so you can just defrost them instead of having to go out and buy more midweek?

Listen to your mum OP. She has your best interests at heart, unlike your dh. If you don't feel it's right to stand up for yourself, think about the future for your children.

I have never posted on Mumsnet before so please forgive me for lack of etiquette and lurking but this post compelled me to say something.

Firstly, OP... please get in contact if you want any support. Am happy to help in any way I can, even if its just to encourage you. It sounds as if you need some support and encouragement.

Secondly, I had PND after my first (but not after my 2nd) and so I am well versed in the nasty nature of PND and its impact. Again, happy to support and encourage you that there is a light at the end of that tunnel.

Lastly, I am not a SAHM but I work part time whilst my Husband works full time. I contribute less financially but slightly more childcare wise. We both are mutually happy with the set-up. We share everything 50/50. The other ladies here are spot on. You are half of a relationship and you both should have equal say and benefit from your marriage and his salary.
I feel very sad that this man is abusing your good nature.

Please get in touch if you want to.

Big hugs ❤

Monthly take home on £90k is £4,881.51.

I'd be inclined to tell him that you are struggling on £600 and would be looking for a job post haste. You won't be able to do all the chores and school pick ups so draw up a list and split these down the middle.

He needs a short sharp shock.

This is batshit crazy. You are married, you are in an equal partnership where currently you are contributing the family labour and he is contributing the financial labour. It is not 'his' income it is the family income and the fact that you don't even know how much and where its going is quite scary.

If he were genuinely not appreciating how much things cost simply telling him should be enough. Having to go to your parents to be subbed for CBT with a family income of 90k + subs from his family is deeply wrong.

Out of interest - in a job paying that level it would be very normal to get BUPA or similar for family either as part of the package or with the family as a bolt on for modest fees which should cover things like private CBT. Does he not consider this or is it a job where this is not available?

Honestly I'm struggling to see how he is not abusing the situation and using you. Keep telling yourself that income in your situation is family income, not 'his' income, that is the deal when one partner takes the career/financial hit to prop up the other which is exactly what you are doing.

Incidentally I'm saying that having always been the high earner by a very big margin - we are an equal 'business'. Whilst its true I manage the money (because I"m much better at it) there is no restriction on who uses it or 'asking' for money - big purchase decisions are shared, small things are just purchased.

OP. I hope you are reading and listening. Posters are right in what they are saying. You should have access to money and savings, unless there's a history of debt or overspending. I don't blame your parents for being pissed off in subsidising you if he earns that much.

draw up a spreadsheet as suggested and list what the DC cost each week for all expenses plus your own and see what it comes to.

You should protect your pension rights too. If you have young children you can get pension benefits but if you don't claim CB I think you have to fill in a form to still get them. Or claim the CB and let him pay it back in his tax, although I doubt he'd go for that!

Old he can't stop her claiming child benefit. You stated that she can't claim it, that's not true, she can. How he deals with the tax charge isn't actually her problem.

I earn around £4500 more than DH each month and we put every penny into a joint account. We spend equally even though he's at home more. Uour situation sounds awful.

Chipped- I agree with you but I think he would make it a problem. Clearly OP is fragile so not convinced it would help much.

OP I hope you are okay.

The other posters are right and what's happening to you is a form of abuse. You sound like you've really lost your confidence!

Try and listen to the good advice some of the other posters have said, or maybe speak to a level headed friend on how to go about correcting this.

I really hope it gets better for you

You would get £830 if you seperated.

Ludicrous.

Oh and what you do IS an equal job to his. He would not have that income without your contribution.

Be confident that what you do everyday, raising your children, is worth something.

YABU. He doesn't want you to go back to work,. He doesn't want you to buy new jeans.

I know you dont want to hear it. Just read back through what you have written and imagine treating your children like that.

I doubt its a piss take. Was in a very similar situation myself, it becomes your 'normal' to some extent so that even when you are panicking about how on earth you are going to feed your family for the next week because you have finally used up every penny of your own working savings after being made to give up your job, and your husband has 'been too busy' to put the meagre monthly housekeeping money into the account you have access to and you don't dare ask him to sort it, its hard to see the wood for the trees. I finally got out of my marriage and spent a few more years really struggling financially whilst I slowly built up a working life again but now I have more money and freedom than my ex. Its extremely fucking satisfying frankly and I recommend the OP takes a long hard look at what exactly she is getting out of this marriage. Funnily enough ex husbands soon start to realise what family life actually costs when they have to start contributing to it as ordered by the courts and when they have to start doing it on their own at weekends.

Just a note of caution, if that 830 is right she wpuld have to pay rent/mortgage and bills (and food) out of that as well.
I don't think this is really about the amount. Lime many posters I didn't work out exactly what the 600 was to cover and when its all been analysed it's not that bad. However through issue is the begrudging nature, the control, the lack of partnership, recognition of what the op does...

Weirdly I am a SAHM with DH earning similar and he "pays" me £600pcm too. However, he pays the mortgage, all utility bills and living expenses inc food shopping, all car expenses (bar fuel but inc some loan repayment), school dinners, the cleaner, all household running expenses (plumber in to look at dodgy heating etc). He also puts money away each month to save towards holidays, pays into a pension, pays pet insurance x 3 and monthly pet plan policy with the vets for the dog, puts money away each month into the 3 DC's accounts, pays their activities like swimming, Cubs, football, rugby etc. Oh and he also buys most of the kids' Christmas and birthday big ticket presents And he has £400 pcm to spend on what he likes.

Frankly I think I'm spoilt with my £600. Covers my phone, fuel, kids clothes, clothes/makeup etc for me, kids' friends birthday presents, family birthday presents, frivolous stuff for the house/garden, contact lenses, magazine subscriptions, toddler groups... I do have some income from a side job which i use to top up for Christmas and on big purchases for the house like furniture etc. I don't feel hard done by at all. I used to earn similar to him until I gave up work so I have the earning capacity, I just choose not to use it.

The difference is that my DH doesn't care how I spend "my" money and would never dream of interrogating me about it. That's what's wrong about the OP's situation. It's not how much but the manner in which it is presented.

Sorry OP but what are you moaning about? You say you feel he deserves his money so not quite sure what you are asking opinions for coz it seems to me you're happy just the way you are. Oh and btw some people only have £600 per month to live on full stop that's with paying mortgage, rent etc so at a family income of £90K I'd think yourself lucky ! Just saying .

YADBU this is financial abuse as PP have said. My DH is a SAHD and I'm on similar to your (not so D)H. I've just asked him what he thinks if I did that and he wants to know why it's not family money. And he's said he'd walk if I did that to him...not that I ever would.

You're not laying about doing nothing. You not working means no childcare bill unless you both choose to put the children in childcare for other reasons. Bill him for the costs that he saves by having no childcare costs and let him say you don't earn anything or bring anything into the house. It would be far more that £600pm I guarantee it.

Woah. I missed the OP's last post about him having loads is savings and getting £10k for Christmas! What the actual fuck?!? That is not the case here. Is he tightfisted or just nasty? I have tight friends who penny pinch to the highest degree because they don't like spending their pots and pots of money. It is not an admirable trait.

The amount isn't the issue. It's the lack of partnership, the shitty attitude when OP tries to discuss needing more money, his significant savings versus the OP's knackered jeans and having to accept money from her parents to mend her car.

His attitude is piss poor.

Start invoicing him for childcare. Arsehole

From what you've said, it sounds like you would have preferred to keep working and that it was his decision that you be a SAHP which he thinks is such a privilege that you should sacrifice your living conditions for.

Please listen to your mum and consider leaving this financially abusive git.

In the meantime, you need to try and get some of the expenses like the top up shops shifted over to not coming out of your £600. One way to do this would be to decide on a regular weekly slot for groceries - so its always 7 days between deliveries, never 10, so less to top up. And make sure that some items are bulk bought - like milk and bread to last the week.

And try to negotiate the £600 upwards if possible, but also start looking for a job.

Ultimately, he's never going to see you as his equal because he doesn't want to. This set up isn't fair at all and please read up around financial abuse.

Empress you have completely missed the point.

" It's the lack of partnership, the shitty attitude when OP tries to discuss needing more money, his significant savings versus the OP's knackered jeans and having to accept money from her parents to mend her car."

This ^^ is the point.