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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

240 replies

Skatingonthinice16 · 11/01/2017 20:52

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 11/01/2017 21:19

We did talk about it. I didn't just decide. Although the decision was kind of made for me in the end I suppose.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 11/01/2017 21:19

The idea that what he earns is his and you have no hand in his ability to earn that is ridiculous. I don't like looking at household finances in this separatist way - I think marriage, on the whole, should make you a unit for stuff like this. But you aren't looking at it that way - the children aren't solely your responsibility. If you worked, childcare (and any household assistance you need to enable you both to work and live your lives equally) should come out of both your salaries, not just yours. And if you want to look at the cost of a job, the extra childcare/household assistance for the two weeks your DH was away should come out of his salary only. On top of that, DH would owe you for the opportunity cost involved in carrying and rearing your joint children. From an economics perspective, when you have children it's almost never possible to fairly suggest each partner should, effectively, keep what they earn.

MrsDustyBusty · 11/01/2017 21:20

Maybe your mum would let you stay for a while to give you space to think? His treatment of you and your children is simply shocking.

HariboFrenzy · 11/01/2017 21:21

Skating no lovely, it isn't a trade off. In your family there is you, your DH and the children. At the moment, you are providing all the childcare which frees up your DH to work without having to worry about or organise domestic stuff. It's a partnership see, or at least a marriage should be.

The £600 should be for general household stuff. If you need extra for any reason, e.g. car repairs, clothes, holiday then this should be in addition to.

I think having been ill your perception is a little bit skewed. Yes, your husband may have work stress, but you are providing full time childcare and domestic chores - that means you are doing an equally important role and the harder one too imo!

DaftJelly · 11/01/2017 21:21

£150 a MONTH on food?

You are living like paupers. That's insane.

FetchezLaVache · 11/01/2017 21:21

I guess I feel guilty asking him for anything more because I'm not at work

You may not be going out to work, but you sure as hell work. You provide wrap-around childcare and are on call 168 hours per week. I'd like to bet he expects the house to be spick and span when he gets in from work and his dinner on the table, too.

And all for just £600/month!

Baylisiana · 11/01/2017 21:22

OP, I am glad you have come on here and asked about this because I think his attitude to you and your depression have combined to give you quite a distorted view of this situation.

The arrangement is not fair, but also it sounds as if your husband is very controlling and nasty questioning you over the money and letting you struggle if incidental expenses arise. He clearly is not a nice and loving partner.

Rather than seeing it as him enabling you to stay home, you can also see it as you enabling him to continue working. Without that he would have to pay childcare and probably also take a lower paid and more flexible job. You are working for your family by staying at home providing childcare.

I wonder how much of your depression would lift if you could see things more clearly, felt able to stand up for yourself and perhaps get away from someone who clearly does not respect you.

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 11/01/2017 21:22

No that's on top of the online food shopping which to be fair he pays for. I end up getting fresh fruit / vegetables / milk / bread and anything i might have forgotten between online food shopping.

OP posts:
MrGrumpy01 · 11/01/2017 21:22

Why is there an extra £150 on food? Why isn't that done with the main shop?

Bambambini · 11/01/2017 21:23

150 on food a month??? Are you serious? What does he do about lunch? What do you do for lunch?

MrGrumpy01 · 11/01/2017 21:24

which to be fair he pays for.

There is no fair about it.

Trifleorbust · 11/01/2017 21:24

It's hard to tell whether you are too downtrodden to stand up for yourself or too obtuse. There is very obviously nothing fair or reasonable about this situation. It is up to you whether you do anything about it.

Lovewineandchocs · 11/01/2017 21:25

He's a selfish, abusive bastard. If you divorced him he'd be in for one hell of a financial shock!

MrsDustyBusty · 11/01/2017 21:25

Has your seven year old asked Dad for money? What happened?

harderandharder2breathe · 11/01/2017 21:25

Yabu well your DH is

How much of his wage would go on childcare if you weren't a sahm? You looking after the children enables him to go to work to earn money for the family. Even if you feel guilty using "his" money on yourself, he should be contributing more for the children's clothes, activities etc.

A family earning £90K shouldn't have to not be able to replace ripped clothes

Original poster
Skatingonthinice16 · 11/01/2017 21:26

Because inevitably there will be something we need or run out of in the week to ten days between online food shops.
Milk, bread, fresh foods etc.
I don't usually eat lunch. If he is at home rather than travelling away he usually has something quick and easy like a sandwich, toastie, soup etc and then I cook something in the evening.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 11/01/2017 21:26

I am constantly surprised at these threads because it never occurred to me that people have kids without being 100% explicit and clear about money, where its coming from and what it will be spent on.

You are right, it his money. And your income is yours. But the children are his as well. He should be contributing as much as possible to their needs and you should feel confident that there is money for the children who look to both of you for support.

You need to present the facts and figures of your costs for what you need, what the children need (e.g. does he know the cost of the clubs) and why £600 is not enough. Similarly, you need to ask why he would not contribute out of his wage to the cost of childcare to let you get back to work when ready.

He is keeping you at arms length and not respecting you. That needs to change.

HelsBels5000 · 11/01/2017 21:27

If it were me I would be trotting off to work full time fairly soon, presenting my 'D'h with the childcare bill to pay each month and keeping every penny of my salary to myself. What a selfish prick you are married to.

MrGrumpy01 · 11/01/2017 21:29

OP in the kindest way possible, the more you post the worse it gets. Are you not eating lunch because you can't afford it?

HardofCleaning · 11/01/2017 21:30

WTF?! He must take home about 4.5k a month and he gives you and the kids £600! That's basically zero for you. I would present him with a bill for 50% of the childcare costs.

travellinglighter · 11/01/2017 21:31

Why not say to him that you are going back to work and you need to work out his share of the childcare in proportion to his wages, same for all the household bills and anything not directly personal to you and when you arrive at a figure, say “Of course if you gave me that much then I wouldn't have to go back to work.”

Or alternatively you just say, “I feel like I’m being financially abused because I never have any money as you keep me on such a tight budget. How much do you think the CSA would award me? Now cough up you tight git?”

Essentially, you should have just as much control of your finances as he does.

Oldraver · 11/01/2017 21:31

Does he walk around in ripped jeans ?

Does he have to forgo haircuts ?

Does he have to think twice about having his car repaired ?

I bet he doesn't and I bet he does know the cost of things that he buys with all his extra pocket money

beargrass · 11/01/2017 21:32

Did I open a door to the past? This is what financial abuse looks like.

NicknameUsed · 11/01/2017 21:33

"I feel guilty that he has all the stress of work. It is his money"

It is family money, not his money.

This really makes me see red. A marriage should be a partnership. Not every party can bring equal things to the partnership. He might be the money earner, but you do everything else. Why don't you have joint finances?

This is financial abuse and very controlling behaviour.

OH earns far more than me, but we share what we both have equally because we have an equal partnership. We have respect and consideration for each other as well as love, something that is clearly lacking in your marriage. Your husband's behaviour is not only unacceptable but cruel.

liz70 · 11/01/2017 21:33

FTS. I'm an SAHM myself. We have a joint account that DH's wages are paid into, that both of us draw from as and when. No way in a million years would I tolerate your situation, OP.

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