To expect to struggle financially as a SAHM?

[Skatingonthinice16]

Dh earns approx £90k a year (before tax) but I have no access to this money. Instead he gives me £600 a month out of which I pay my expenses (petrol, phone, car insurance, some food, clothes, anything for our 2 dc - clothes, clubs etc - and gifts) so it doesn't leave me with much if anything. For example I was down to my last pair of jeans by Christmas as two pairs had ripped in quick succession but couldn't really afford to buy new ones. My mum got me two pairs for Christmas.

My mum says it isn't fair that I struggle whereas dh buys more or less what he wants but I think that I've stayed at home so I should expect not to have very much money. That's the offset of not going to work isn't it? Time with the children but not much money for extras. I don't get child benefit anymore either of course. Dc are 7 and just turned 1. Dh has a stressful job and works hard so he should get the financial benefit.

Aibu?

"I feel guilty that he has all the stress of work. It is his money"

How many times has he told you that so you now believe it?

In the grand scheme though £600 is actually quite a lot, but it is the balance that is wrong rather than the amount.

I hope your half of the bedding is washed regularly and all nice and fresh while his is a bit grubby. It's the trade off of being a wohp sadly.

Sorry OP, you're in a financially abusive relationship. You know you could get twice that amount in child maintenance alone if you divorced him, something to think about.

Ha ha and your invoice for child care fees to your dh is?

Ok, with your new post sounds like he is treating you crap and making you feel inferior.

Does he want you back working. Does he want you both to share that burden?

Are you being fair? Who pays the mortgage? The household bills, home insurance, holidays? Rest of food bills? Who buys Christmas and birthday presents?

Maybe you need to clarify there is no such thing as his money and your money but it is now family mummy. Work out essential spending, put some in savings and then split rest equally- unless he has additional costs such as having to wear suits to work and commuting costs.

Imthink,your mum is stirring trouble and doesn't really understand how much modern family life costs. 90k sounds a lot but really isn't after tax, NI etc are taken out. What does he actually get 50k?

I think issues are lack of clear budget discussions and probably not enough money to pay for the life you want to live. My husband was similar when we first had children- no idea of what being at home cost and not really enough to do everything he thought a young professional couple should do. Talk to your husband about it, not your mother. I suspect if you work it out you'll discover he doesn't have quite as much as you think.

Because it's my car.

I just feel like I'm lucky I've been able to stop at home but the offset to that is that I can't afford things I could have done when I was at work. I do feel anxious about money a lot of the time.

This really isn't normal OP. Your husband is a deeply selfish man. And you're saying if an emergency expense does come up he refuses to give you any more money? That's not the action of a man who loves and respects you.

Sorry I posted that as the first post then my phone crashed.

even if I did I wouldn't be much better off because of the childcare costs.

As people keep saying, the childcare costs shouldn't be all down to you. They're his children too! Nor should you give up working to save these childcare costs and have him not feel that that's something he benefits from too.

Can you get a joint credit card so you both can see exactly where money is going? I don't see another way around it - you have to woman up and face the interrogation and either get a higher monthly allowance, or get full access to his money. If he wont do that then you should leave. He's def abusing you financially

I remember some of your previous threads I think. Is there any family or friend support you can access? You sound dreadfully unhappy and I hope you do find a way out of this miserable marriage.

I'm not sure what you want from this thread. You asked AIBU, everyone has said that your DH is being unfair, but you seem to be determined to defend him. So why ask?

Dh doesn't appreciate the cost of things I think. Like he thought a first class stamp was 21p! Also his petrol / phone bill gets paid for by the company so he never notices these things either.

I don't mind so much for myself but I feel worried when the dc need anything. The one year old it's not so bad but the 7 year old is getting more expensive in terms of clothes and activities.

Are you taking the piss?

Does he reslly not care that you are both living different life styles? Does he actually know you are struggling and going without?

I don't think it's necessarily PND you have but more depression and anxiety because of lack of control over your life due to living with a selfish and inconsiderate partner.

Aww poor DH. He doesn't understand.

Is this a joke?

does he want you staying at home?

You'd get more in maintenance if you separated. I'd look at that as an option tbh

The OP isn't joking or taking the piss. She really isn't.

No... it was just someone upthread talking about spending. Dh doesn't have a clue how much some things are.

I don't know...I guess I feel guilty asking him for anything more because I'm not at work. £600 sounds a lot but after I've taken out petrol, phone bill, around £150 on food and anything for the children it doesn't leave that much.

He is treating you like an unpaid servant! Yes he gives you money for living expenses etc. but you have nothing for yourself! A marriage is supposed to be share all, but he is controlling you with money.
Is the issue that he wants you to go back to work and is not happy that you are not? That might be why he is being funny about money. Have you talked about this at all?

Your replies OP sound like your confidence has been completely squashed.

He didn't want me to go back.